Letter to Ms. Barrier

A few months ago, I read an interesting blog post encouraging veteran teachers to write a letter to their first day, first year of teaching selves.  I wasn't even sure what I would tell that person years ago, but decided to take the challenge.  It resulted in a deep reflection of who I was as a teacher and who I've become.  I encourage all teachers at some point in their career to give it a try.

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Dear Coley,

You're about to become Ms. Barrier.  It will soon be shorten to "Ms. B" and part of you will identify with that more name than your first.  This is mainly because it's all you're going to hear most of your future weeks.  Go ahead and take a deep breath.  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

You are currently a mixed bag of nerves, anxiety, and fear.  Terrified of failure, braced for the unknown.  I'm going to go ahead and tell you...it's going to be like this for awhile.  I'm not trying to scare you or make you worry, but it's inevitable given our personality that you would be anything but those things.  Keep your head up and soldier on...you WILL make it through.

Don't...are you listening to me?...don't constantly compare yourself to others.  Other teachers, other colleagues, other friends...by doing this, you are setting yourself up for failure.  Of course the teacher who has been teaching for 20 years is going to be better than you!!  I think we both know it would be scary if he or she wasn't!  You can't let this fact get to you.  You are a FIRST year teacher.  Even though you should strive for your best, you must also understand that mistakes are part of the learning curve.  You have to make them before you can truly learn.  Learning is the best part of this gig.  You get to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Another "don't" - do not feel like you have to do everything.  You don't have to sponsor a club your first year!  You don't have to be on this or that committee at first!  You don't have to feel like you should go to every sporting event...that's ridiculous.  Yes, you should go to some and show your support, but if you stretch yourself too thin, the results are going to be disastrous.

You have an amazing team of supportive teachers and colleagues working with you.  You shouldn't be afraid to ask for their advice.  They're not going to think you're weak; they're not going to think it makes you a "bad" teacher to ask for help.  That's what they're there for - to make sure you are doing well.  It's not a flaw to need other people, rather look at it as a gift.  These are the people who will shape the future teacher you will soon become.

Your students are going to become so important to you.  You're going to worry about them, be frustrated with them, rely on them to make you smile, and most of all, you're going to learn from them.  They'll teach you so much more than any college class could have.  They're going to NEED you.  That first year you're going to have some "doozies", but those students are few and far between.  Looking back, some of the best students I ever taught, some of the students who taught me the most, were in those 6 classes I taught that first year.

Don't lose your spark or creativity.  Don't procrastinate grading.  Don't give up.

You will feel like throwing in the towel and saying, "SCREW IT!"  You will go home achingly tired.  BUT you will conquer and make it through to the other side.  It's okay to cry and it's okay to call your best friends or family and feel like screaming.  That's what they're there for and what they expect you to do.

This is the best, hardest. most frustratingly rewarding job you will ever know.  It will bring you to your knees in prayer.  It will bring tears to your eyes.  But, most of all, it will make you a better person.  It will help you to grow.  The benefits of this job are innumerable.  Focus on that.

Sitting here in the same classroom, seven and a half years later...it's incredible to think about you.  You being me...that scared teacher.  The kids have changed...the boards have been decorated differently.  The lessons have changed and the responsibilities have grown.  But the love is still there.  The knowledge that this is God's gift for you to use has grown.  Just don't get sucked under the tide...remember this quote:

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

That sums it up.

Best wishes.  Learn.  Love.  Forgive yourself.

You're still here all these years later...

Hugs,
An older, slightly wiser Ms. Barrier

One Month "Weigh in"

It has been a month since I started my diet health improvement plan.  There have been a couple snags, but overall it's been a great experience.  Here are some thoughts on the past month:

• I absolutely could not do this without the support of my friends and family.  Positive messages, texts, and phone calls help me to make it up this upward hill journey.
• I miss soft drinks the most.  I went 20 days straight without one, but decided to "treat" myself with one last Friday night.  I was worried that it would be like "falling off a wagon", but I was satisfied with one and moved on.
• Breakfast is the hardest meal!  Probably because I never give myself enough time to get ready for the day.  By the time I've showered, dressed, fixed my hair and makeup, packed my lunch (which is a challenge of its own), I'm left with only a few minutes to decide on what to eat.  I've figured out some quick options that I try to rotate.  
• I love Quaker's "Weight Control" instant oatmeal (160 calories).  Variety of flavor and super quick!!  
• I also enjoy Carnation's "Essential Breakfast" chocolate mix (130 calories).  It helps get in a lot of vitamins and that needed calcium.  
• I was on a big Raisin Bran kick, but have rotated from that (mainly because fiber + teaching a 90 minute period afterwards = awkwardness).  
• Protein bars - jeez...I've tried just about every brand and every flavor.  I'm always trying new ones and looking for new flavors/options.  My favorite so far have just been the Food Lion and Target brand protein bars.  They're usually 180 calories.
• Fresh fruit is wonderful...when I have time to get it together.  I cut up apples, grapes, strawberries, and mandarin oranges the other morning and it was scrumptious!  However, it does take some extra time...so it's not always an option for me.
• SMOOTHIES!  My newest test...I have tried about 4 different recipes!  I'm still learning.  Yesterday, I made a banana-chocolate-peanut butter protein smoothie that was pretty good!  
• Lunch and dinner have just been a "try it out" kind of thing.  I have found things that keep me full and satisfied for lunch, and then other meals that are light enough for dinner, but still filling.  Dinner is hard because I am so tired by the end of the day.  Trying to make something healthy and nutritious can be a challenge.  I have been pinning all sorts of things to try on Pinterest! 
• Healthy eating can be CRAZY EXPENSIVE!!  My goodness!  The first week I went shopping (granted I needed to get some extra stuff) was over $100!  I was flabbergasted.  However, the past few weeks have been much better.  I have tried to pre-plan my meals for the upcoming week.  This way I'm not buying food I don't need.
• Cheat meal - this is something that I did too early in the game.  I wasn't ready for a lot of food, but this past weekend was better (I usually save my "cheat meal" for the weekend).  This past Sunday I went to my friend's Super Bowl party and allowed myself to indulge a little bit.  It was amazing how lethargic and "yucky" I felt the next day.  I definitely realized how much better I feel by eating healthier.
• My cousin Leah is the best!  I have an advantage of being related to and close friends with a personal trainer and great nutritionist.  Leah has walked me through every step.  I call her with weekly updates and she gives me tips and advice for what to eat, what not to eat, what to watch out for, and tips for working out.  It's been very motivational because I always want to tell her my accomplishments!!
• Exercise is still hit or miss.  I did join the YMCA.  I have been to 4-5 Zumba classes (and LOVE them), swam in the Y's pool, and did some elliptical/bike exercises, but I would like to do more.  Currently (about 4 weeks into joining the Y), I average going 1-2 times a week...which is not a lot.  I give the excuse of work and it being late and blah blah, but I really just need to bite the bullet and GO!!
• THE STUPID SCALE - ugh.  So evil.  It's like this tempting little minx in the corner just calling me over.  Leah has really urged me to only weigh ONCE a week.  She said that some people don't even weigh, rather they measure (which I haven't done yet).  It's still hard, I really want to know every single day, but if I do that, it'll drive me crazy!!

Overall, it's been okay.  It's hard, but I knew it would be.  I'm learning portion control, resisting temptations, and eating new things!!  It's hard coming up with meals and it's hard sticking with a plan, but I'm focused and determined.  

5 Week Weigh in - down 14 lbs

10 Week Weigh in GOAL - 14 (more) lbs (28 total)

Dec/January Books

I haven't posted a book blog in forever!!  I have been reading (I promise), but never think about writing it down and posting.  I hope to make a "Other Books I've Read Over the Past Year" post at some point.  One of my resolutions for the new year and "30 Before 30" entries was to read more.  For 2015, I want to read at least 40 books (3-4 a month is my goal) and then push it to 50 by my 30th birthday (I began counting this in December and I'm on book 8).  I've had a great start!  I'm combining the books I read in both December and January to make a bigger list.  I'm excited to read some great books this year!  I'll share my "Hope to Read" list at the end of the blog.

1. Yes, Please - Amy Poehler

(Source)

Several years ago, I read Bossypants by Tina Fey (if you haven't read it, please go purchase/rent/check it out now).  I love memoirs, and I doubly love funny ones.  When I found out that Amy Poehler had written one, it wasn't even a question of whether I was getting, rather a question of when I could go get it.  I flew through it, laughing, nodding, and noting great quotes from it.  It's honest, hilarious, and just a fun read.  If you're a fan of Amy's or if you love a good, funny book, I highly recommend this one!

Favorite Quotes:
"Great people do things before they're ready.  They do things before they know they can do it.  Doing what you're afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that - that's what life is.  You might be really good.  You might find out something about yourself that's really special and if you're not good, who cares?  You tried something.  Now you know something about yourself."

"The only way we will survive is by being kind.  The only way we can get by in this world is through the help we receive from others.  No one can do it alone, no matter how great the machines are."

2. The Best of Me - Nicholas Sparks

(Source)

So...yes, I am a Sparks girl.  I have grown up reading his books.  I remember reading The Notebook on the school bus in middle school.  There are only a couple of his books I haven't read.  I enjoyed this one.  It wasn't his latest release, but one I had been meaning to read for awhile.  It was pretty typical Sparks, but I am a sucker for him.  Good story line - old loves rekindling their flame.  I will say, I really liked the characters in this story.  And honestly (this probably seems ridiculous), I did not see the ending coming!!  Good beach or lazy day read!

3. Half Broke Horses - Jeannette Walls

(Source)

Wow...that's all I can say about this book.  I am a HUGE Jeannette Walls fan, and I was worried that I wouldn't like Half Broke Horses because of how much I adored The Glass Castle.  I was pleasantly surprised right from the start.  It is a perfect companion to The Glass Castle.  It tells the story of Jeannette's grandmother, Lily Casey Smith.  It's billed as a "True-Life Novel".  Many of the events in the story are surrounded by the actual life that Lily led.  It goes throughout her INCREDIBLE life and has the perfect amount of colloquial dialogue and history.  I think I loved it more because I got to see how Jeannette's mother, Rosemary, grew up.  She plays such a vital role in The Glass Castle.  Lily might be one of my favorite heroines I've read about.  She is gutsy, smart, brave, brilliant, and courageous.  She was a teacher, farmer, maid, mother, wife, daughter, horsewoman, rancher, and all around stunning woman.  I HIGHLY recommend this book, especially if you loved The Glass Castle as much as I did!!

Favorite Quotes:
"The women I know with strong personalities, the ones who might have become generals or the heads of companies if they were men, become teachers.  Teaching is a calling, too.  And I've always thought that teachers in their way are holy--angels leading their flocks out of the darkness."

"You can't prepare for everything life's going to throw at you.  And you can't avoid danger.  It's there.  The world is a dangerous place, and if you sit around wringing your hands about it, you'll miss out on all the adventure."

4-7. The Selection Series: The Selection, The Elite, The One (and other novellas)

(Source)

I always try to keep up with YA literature.  I like to be able to give recommendations to my students and also know what they're reading.  My county has a fantastic source called "Overdrive" that allows me to check out books from our school online.  I was perusing through books and this series caught my eye.  I LOVED IT.  I devoured all of the books in a week!!  The series is set in the future.  Our country as we know it is not there anymore.  There is a monarchy and castes (based on numbers).  Within each caste, you can only do the jobs given to the particular number.  Enter America Singer (I love the name).  She comes from a low-middle caste.  On the Prince's birthday, he must select a queen.  It's like The Hunger Games meets The Bachelor!  The "Selection" is the prince choosing his wife.  There's a lot of other stuff going on within the new country.  Rebels are upset and trying to take over, people are frustrated with the caste system, so on and so forth.  America is entered into the Selection and the series takes off from there.  It's broken up into three main novels and then there are two novellas (actually, there might be four now).  I recently recommended it to a student who is a fellow book lover and she emailed me a couple days later and was engrossed in the series!!  It's really a fantastic (and super easy) read!!  

8. Wild: from Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail - Cheryl Strayed

(Source)

I have wanted to read this book for the longest time.  I finally got motivated to read it when I saw that the movie was coming out.  Again...strict rule...no movie before reading the book.  I will admit that it's taken me a lot longer to get through it than I anticipated.  It's a great book, but parts of the book when she goes into her descriptions of camping and the trail sometimes bored me.  However, the other parts are fantastic.  This is a memoir (which again, I love) written by Cheryl Strayed who decided to hike the PCT (Pacific Crest Trail) after a series of devastating blows in her personal life.  I love that it is her journey.  It had a lot of parallels to Into the Wild, which is another one of my favorite books.  Strayed is an incredible writer.  The imagery and descriptions within the book take the reader to the trail with her.  It's easy to identify with her as she discusses her pain and her need to reflect/revive/refresh her life.  I felt like I was right there on the path with her.  All the setbacks, all the triumphs, from the beginning to the ending...she takes the reader right there with her.  I definitely recommend this book to anyone who is looking for a fresh start.

Favorite Quotes:

"I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey was doomed.  Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told.  I decided I was safe.  I was strong.  I was brave.  Nothing could vanquish me."

"How wild it was, to let it be."

I hope you pick up some of these books!  I really enjoyed all of them.  I'm reading a guilty pleasure series at the moment and then will continue on to the books mentioned below.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on the above or below books!  Happy reading :)

HOPE TO READ IN 2015:

It Was Me All Along - Andie Mitchell

The Girl on the Train - Paula Hawkins

Still Alice - Lisa Genova

The Silver Star - Jeannette Walls

1984 - George Orwell 

Small Victories - Anne Lamott

Missing You - Harlen Coben

This I Know for Sure - Oprah Winfrey (actually about 1/2 way finished with this)

The Shack - William P. Young

Looking for Alaska - John Green

Life of Pi - Yann Martel

Different Seasons (collection of 4 novellas) - Stephen King (also 1/2 way finished with this)

The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger

The Sugar Queen - Sarah Addison Allen 

Week in Pics (1/18-1/25)

This has been quite the week!  My school started our spring semester on Thursday, so I was introduced to 80 something new kiddos!  I'm teaching a prep that I didn't teach last semester, so I'm figuring out some things as I go.  Each semester I try to switch a few things up, but sometimes I find that there's no reason messing with something that works.

When I was blogging so much a couple years ago, I did several "week in pics".  It was a nice way for me to share what I did and also remember for the future.  Here's what happened this week (not really in order)!

Over the long weekend, I went to visit and stay with my sister, her husband, and their son.  I LOVE hanging out with Thad!!  He has the most infectious smile and laughter!

On Saturday, I went to Cowfish and they had fortune cookies.  I always love reading mine...though usually they're a) lame b) never come true.  BUT!  Let's hope this one does!!!  

Meg made the most scrumptious (and beautiful) grilled chicken salad when I visited!

Yesterday (Saturday), I went to visit Kelly, Matt, and their son, Wyatt.  He is SO stinkin' cute!  

GOT A TATTOO!

Mr. Wyatt!

It was a great week.  I'm frustrated with myself because I cheated on my diet with some bad food choices over the weekend, but I'm right back on the healthy train.  Minor detour, just forgetting about it.  I learned that I'm not ready for cheat days and that I need to still be super cautious of where and what I eat.  It's a learning process, I tell you that...

The "30 Before 30" List and Story

Back in November, I traveled to Washington, DC for an English conference.  While there, my friend, Emily, wanted to meet up with one of her friends who lived there.  We had a wonderful dinner.  Her friend, Melanie, had just turned 30 and spoke about doing a "30 Before 30" list.  I fell in love with this idea and instantly started thinking of things I wanted to do.

I edited and changed the list about ten times before I really liked what I had written.  I told several friends my list and they gave suggestions and commented on what they thought.  I was excited to begin this journey, and I knew I only had about a year and a half to accomplish all of it.

I wanted to list things that I had always wanted to do...but within reason.  I marked out skydiving and hot air balloon riding because of the crazy cost to do it, but kept simple things like Zumba and gathering stuff for Goodwill.  As my friend, Lindsey, said...I have a big range of items!

Here's the list:

1. Run a 5k

2. Visit New York City

3. Visit and explore the DC Smithsonian museums

4. Bungee jump

5. Go white water rafting

6. Ride every roller coaster at an amusement park

7. Explore 3 new cities (already one down!)

8. Read 50 books (began on 12/2014 - I'm on my 8th one!!)

9. Take a dance class

10. Write 50 notes of gratitude (2 completed)

11. Bake a cake and pie from SCRATCH

12. Hike a scenic trail

13. Swim through a natural waterfall

14. Have one truly "wild night out"

15. Write and post in personal and educational blog at least 2 times a month (beginning 1/2015)

16. Fill out and complete personal journal (started in 2010 and only 1/2 way through it...finishing that sucker!!!)

17. Perform in a karaoke bar

18. Take a fun class (cake decorating...knitting...scrapbooking...photography?)

19. Read the Bible cover to cover

20. Watch the sunrise over the ocean

21. Take 3 LARGE bags of items to Goodwill

22. Host a dinner party

23. Pay off at least one credit card

24. Go to a Zumba class

25. Attend an awesome concert

26. Visit a psychic

27. Take a multi-state roadtrip

28. Lose 68 lbs

29. Get a tattoo

30. Make a move of some kind!  (not necessarily location, but something different!)

I'll keep you posted.  I'm excited to mark off several items on the list off this summer.  Already have some plans in the works!  Carpe diem!!

The Blackbird Tattoo Story

I don't think anyone really thought I would do it...myself included.

I was sitting in the chair, looking at the needle, stencil drawn on my arm, and thought to myself, "What in the hell have I done?"

There was no backing out at that point.  I said I was going to do it...and I did it.  I got a tattoo.

A couple months ago, I started a "30 Before 30" bucket list and wrote down things that I wanted to do before I turned 30 (post to follow with complete list!!).  For years I've talked about getting a tattoo, but never went through with it.  I found excuses not to get it.  When the new year rolled around and I started making an "improved me" with diet and exercise, I felt empowered and decided to do it.  To really do it.  Go get that tattoo.

I think one of the reasons I waited so long to get a tattoo was because I couldn't decide what I wanted permanently inked on my body.  As my friend Lindsey pointed out (after sending a group text stating I was getting one), "You know that nothing lasts as long as forever, right?"  And I definitely agree.  I had told myself a long time ago that if I were ever to get a tattoo, it would have to be something incredibly meaningful.

I was reading one night and came across the scripture that said, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside of your Father's care. And even the very numbers on your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows" (Matthew 10:29-31).  I love that scripture.  I also love the hymn "His Eyes Are on the Sparrow".  For a long time I decided on a sparrow.

Not completely straying from the bird theme, a couple months later I saw a drawing of 3 blackbirds sitting on a branch.  I was drawn back in memory to one of my all time favorite songs, "Blackbird" by The Beatles.  The Beatles have gotten me through some tough times.  My love for them is deep.  They remind me of my dad and all the times we listened to classic rock when I was young.  I was reminded of the lyrics:

Blackbird singing in the dead of the night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Ahh...love.

I knew then that I wanted a branch of blackbirds.  To symbolize the power of song, the beauty of lyrics, the words that are so perfect for me right now.  Learning to take what's broken in me and fly into positive success.

I decided on four birds to represent my mom, dad, sister, and me.  Always together.  

It was a great experience!!  I went to Golden Spiral Tattoo in Greensboro.  The artist who did my tattoo was super nice, really calm, and totally reassuring with my nerves!!  My friends, Lexie and Lindsey, accompanied me and were supportive as well.  Marked one off the bucket list!!

It's still so weird to look down and see it.  However, each time I look down, I'm reminded of my journey, my family, and my faith in restoring all things broken.  I have absolutely no regrets!

The Weight Story

Looking through baby pictures, I was pretty cute.  Very average.  I had chubby cheeks and a mess of brown hair.  As I grew up, I was the picture of your typical little girl.  Then...puberty hit.

Circa 1988

It hit hard.  It hit me in the typical ways...spots of acne, "becoming a woman", bouts of emotional hysterics (sorry mom), but it also triggered my love affair with food.

Oh food...my friend and my enemy.  The greatest confidante and friend and the worst enemy and villain.  It was probably somewhere in late elementary school or early middle school that my eating heavy began.  I remember rushing home from school to eat a big bowl of cereal in front of the tv.  I got second helpings of my favorite dishes at dinner.  I would sneak food into my room.  Stash away candy for late night eating.  I didn't realize it until I was looking around and everyone looked smaller than me.  Everyone wasn't going back for more food.  And at 16 years old, I tipped the scale at 200 lbs.  I was devastated.

High school is the time when you get to wear ridiculous clothes that show off everything!  High school is when you start to date and have first kisses and dances and all that good teenager stuff.  But because of my weight, I shied away from all of that.  All the food and weight had wrecked my self esteem.  I didn't think highly of how I looked...I felt like a whale in a sea of cute, little, sparkly, skinny fish.

Though I was averagely smart, had a decent personality, made incredible friends...because of the ugliness I felt from weight, I was never going to really stand out for anything worthwhile.  No amount of well meaning compliments or encouraging words could change the way I felt about myself in my head.

Half way through my junior year in high school, I joined Weight Watchers with my mom.  It was really remarkable.  I began to log what I ate.  I started to walk...sometimes even jogging (which I know doesn't sound like a big deal, but was huge for me).  I quickly lost weight.  It was intoxicating.  I lived by the saying I heard in WW - "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."  Oh boy, it felt heavenly.

I went to Spain in April of that year.  I walked a ton and didn't like the food, so when I weighed the week after at WW, I had lost 6 lbs (this was over the course of 2 weeks).  I was thrilled.  I was energized and ready to shed the rest of this plaguing fat.

Then something happened.  I got scared I was going to gain it back.  I had tasted skinny and really liked how it felt.  So I amped up my walking and dragged friends along with me.  I skipped meals.  I only ate chips and salsa at lunch.  I didn't eat breakfast.  I stayed super busy, willing the thoughts of food to go away.  And they did.  The weight left me.  By the time I went into college a year and a half after beginning that diet, I had lost 60 lbs.  I fit into clothes I had only dreamed about.  My prom dress wasn't the size 16 I had to wear my junior year, but a size 10.  I wore a tankini instead of an ugly one piece (not all one pieces are ugly, but let's be real...the "big girl" ones are NOT cute).  I was laying in my bed one night and ran my hand over my stomach.  It was the flattest it had ever been.  I loved the feeling.  Loved it.

Circa 2004

One day during my senior year, one of my best friends looked at me worried and asked, "When is the last time you ate?"  This was after lunch when she asked.  I quietly mumbled, "Maybe yesterday?"  She looked at me with wide eyes and concern etched on her face.  "Coley, this isn't healthy."

But I couldn't go back to the way it was before.  I couldn't feel like that.  I was already emotionally a sinking ship, I couldn't add another couple gallons to it.  I still look back at those pictures and feel so sad that I don't look like that anymore.

College came the next fall.  I was still at my smallest.  But with college came a boatload of emotions that I was not prepared for.  Anxiety and depression knocked on my door and made themselves welcomed without so much as a word. My cousin died from cancer while she was still in her early 30's.  My grades were terrible.  And food, my long lost friend, came back into my life.

And that comforting "friend" stayed.  Held on with tight grasps.  Whispered, "Don't you remember me?  Don't you remember how satisfying and wonderful I am?"  I was lulled by it's carby, fatty, comforting love.  Cheeseballs were hidden under my bed.  Water was replaced with soda.  Late night "Campus Take Out" calls were made at least once a week.  Drives to Wendy's, Bojangles, Cookout, McDonalds, etc. became my usual stomping grounds.  And slowly...the weight came back.

Because I had lost all that weight in such an unhealthy, quick manner, there was no stopping that fat from building back and my weight shot up quickly.  By the end of college, I had packed on 40 lbs.  Then..."adult" life started, and it was not good.

Circa 2011

Teaching added 40 different kinds of new stress and anxiety.  A hurried lifestyle led to lots of fast food dinner choices.  Being constantly tired led to drinking a lot of sodas.  I didn't have time to work out...or rather, I didn't make time to work out.  It was a struggle.  And here I am, 7 years later...11 years from when I first walked into that WW meeting, and I'm the heaviest I've ever been.  100 lbs added to what I lost.

For the past several years, I start out the new year (school or calendar) with promises filled with going to the gym, eating healthier, cooking dinner instead of going out, and all the cliched resolutions that fill everybody's head.  I would last a week...sometimes just a couple days before I feel off the wagon and found myself with a cheeseburger from McDonalds in my hand.  Washed down with a cold Dr. Pepper.  I would go walk and be persistent with exercise and then make up excuses as to why I couldn't or didn't want to.

October of 2014

In recent months, a few of my closest friends and mentors have stopped me in conversation and say, "I'm worried about you."  It took a lot of reflection to realize I was worried about myself.  I was tired of hiding behind my fat and using it as an excuse to not date, go out and socialize, do more in general.  So, I made a change.

I quietly made promises to myself.  I forbid myself from soft drinks.  Downloaded "My Fitness Pal" (so amazing).  I bought the healthiest cart of groceries that had ever packed my fridge and cabinet.  And after a week of sticking to it, I shared my small success with some of my friends.  They were thrilled!  I texted my best friends and told them I had shed 6 lbs that first week.  They were SO encouraging and happy and thrilled!  Seriously...best friends ever.  I called my sister and mom, both of whom were excited.  And I then called my one of a kind, amazing cousin (who also happens to be a personal trainer and health expert).  She talked me through my worries, gave me some suggestions, and said, "Coley, you're doing great."  I felt like I had let her down with all of those previous calls with advice - always ending in a week with bad habits.  I wanted to make her proud.

I'm only a few weeks in.  I've lost almost 12 lbs.  I'm not punishing myself.  Other than the no soda rule, I allow myself little treats.  I went to McDonalds (aka...my arch nemesis) and limited my meal to one cheeseburger and a small fry.  Not the healthiest, but what a change from my usual order of a large fry and Big Mac with a coke to wash it down!  I keep a check of my calories.  I write down successes.  I pin healthy food ideas.  I'm conscious about what I buy at the grocery store.  Bypassing my usual cupcake purchase and head to the apples.  Seriously, apples are like the cupcake of fruits to me.  Little by little I am making positive steps.

Last week, I did something I NEVER thought I would do.  I joined the local YMCA and worked out.  Then on Saturday, I took a Zumba class.  I was amazingly uncoordinated and not very good, but it was so much fun!!

I am not going to lie.  Those little voices of doubt and weight anxiety creep their little heads into my thoughts.  It's tempting to give up or just have that one cupcake at the grocery store...but I try to squish them and make a better decision.

I think this was the longest post ever, but I'm excited to write and share the start of this journey.  And it is just that...a journey.  A hard one that has bumps and rocks and ditches and potholes filled with cake...but with friends lifting me up, family dusting off the frustrations, I will make it.