Forgetting to Swim

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim." ~Tyler Knott Gregson

I came across this quote and instantly gasped at its perfect timing in my life.  Don't you love when that happens?  When you read or see something that you know was meant to be found by you at that exact moment.  That's how I felt as soon as I read this.  Then, I re-read it.  I read it over and over, at least 20 times.  It is exactly how I feel with my job right now.

I've written on my teaching career many times.  I've wanted to be a teacher since I was a wee little girl pretending to "hold class" in my mom's classroom after school at Glen Alpine Elementary.  I felt that I was destined to hold this title.

As the years of teaching have progressed, the challenges have changed.  The burdens a bit heavier.  The expectations a bit higher.  The job has become much more than I had ever expected.  Five years ago, I worried about discipline, my lessons being perfect, whether or not I would be observed, and if my students were getting absolutely anything from my lessons.  Now, don't get me wrong, I still worry about these things, but now I worry if my kids are on Facebook on their Chromebooks, if my observations will hurt my new evaluation created by the state, if my lessons are aligned with the Common Core, pacing guide, EOC, and are 21st century.  Am I going to have time to fit it all in?  Is the club I advise doing enough?  Will I be able to  clean my house this weekend when I have so much to grade?  Am I a good teacher?  Am I a good role model?  Am I a good mentor?  Am I a good colleague, department chair, academic coach, OSTE, advisor, so on and so forth.

Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.

Sinking is what I feel.  Sinking in that beautiful ocean I once loved.  The promise is breaking.  I am treading and losing my grip on swimming in the grandness of teaching.

I called and talked to my mom for a long time last night.  I complained and cried to her that I didn't know how to do it anymore.  All of it.  Feeling so overwhelmed and unappreciated.  Then she said, but you love it. You love this and you are good at it.  You have to realize that the reason you do all of these things is because of your love for teaching.

Sometimes the water gets deep, scary, cold, and uncertain.  That's how teaching feels for me right now.  And sometimes I forget how much I used to love it.  And still do.  I do love this job.  I love my students, the relationships and conversations.  I love that I get to learn every single day with them.  The swimming and magic of it.  I forgot and keep on forgetting how it feels.

So we take a step back.  Marvel at this job and all that comes with it.  Every time I stand in front of the ocean, I am overwhelmed with its majesty.  That's how I feel with teaching.  Overwhelmed.  But, I can't forget that I still love to get in that water.  I still love the swimming.  I still love this job.  I still love teaching.

I can't forget that.