Demons

I don't know that this post will ever see the light of day.  For almost a decade I have battled with the demon called depression.  He likes to add his sidekicks anxiety and doubt to make the party really fun.  It was almost 10 years ago that I went to my doctor with all I could take.  Granted, I had just started college, was beyond homesick, and dealing with facing the harsh news that my cousin was losing her battle with cancer.  She prescribed medicine and for awhile it was okay.

Then I thought, nahhh, I don't need this medicine!  I am way stronger than this.  I relapsed quickly.  There were a lot of dark days.  There are still so many dark days.  Days I don't want to get out of bed.  I don't want to face people.  I don't want to put on the happy face.  Some of my closest friends have been with me when I've had a rough night, day, or week.  Tears, anger, and heartache have all been expressed.  But, like warriors in this battle with me, they cling on and never let go.  For that, I will be forever grateful.

Teaching, surprisingly, has helped to heal me a bit.  I think because I keep my mind so focused and busy, I am able to keep the constant pestering thoughts at bay.  I could silence them by planning, grading, researching, and working hard at school.  Finding something I could pore over helped ease the pain that my heart and head had.  For 90 minutes, three times a day, I can be Ms. Barrier, which is sometimes a lot easier than being Coley.

But, like an unwanted visitor, depression doesn't like to stay away forever.  He likes to come back in and kick off his shoes and stay awhile.  He sees that you're laying in bed and decides to bombard your nightly thoughts with, 'Is this person mad at you?'  'You really could have made that lesson better.' 'You call that giving dieting a try?' 'You are going to be alone forever.'  'Your friends will leave you; your family will leave you; they don't need you.'  This is what I hear every.single.night.

Recently, and after a lot of urging from family and friends, I sought another doctor.  I have seen some progress.  I don't want to post this with a reader thinking that I'm melodramatic or just over reacting - trust me, I can be dramatic, ask my friends, but this is something I would never wish on anyone, or be melodramatic about.  Help is out there.  Different people get help in different ways.  Some find relief in talk therapy, others find ease in prescribed medicine, some walking/physical activity.  At the moment, I'm trying (TRYING) all three.  It's such a long road, a frustrating one, too.  A road that is rocky and filled with twists and turns.

I guess I wanted to write this because I have grown.  Years ago when something wasn't working, I'd give up.  I would stop taking my medicine, and try to take matters into my own hands, but I know now that I can't do that.  HUGE step.  I also know that I need counseling.  This is such a long journey, one I'm not proud of.  BUT, help is out there, and I encourage anyone struggling to get the help that is out there, and know that you're not alone.

I also want to thank my family and friends.  My "Garland Girls" have been with me through every single step of the way.  They call me, comfort me, and encourage me. My mom has cried with me, checked in on me, and always, always loved me, when I haven't been all that lovable.  All my other friends and family have helped, too.  You can't feel like you're alone, I have, but I know that I have a team of people behind me, ready to step in, and always ready to catch me when I fall.