Full Circle

Don't Look Down
Don't feast your eyes on things that are on the ground.
And if it gets hard to focus
When you're traveling almost at the speed of sound
Feeling nowhere bound
Remember what I told you
And don't you dare look down
~David Ryan Harris

It's hard to believe that one year ago I didn't have a job, was in complete panic mode, and was unsure of what the future held. I can go back to the end of May and first of June in 2008 and remember the feelings so vividly. I remember how chaotic my life felt. I remember sitting at the table with one of my 'life mentors' and her telling me to get out of this 'stuck' mode, realize the mountains may not be where God wants me to teach, and send out some more resumes. I remember sitting in church, tears down my face, wondering why God and my plans weren't coinciding. But, I also remember sitting in church and hearing God say, "Trust me, Coley, it's going to work out." It did.

I put the lyrics from "Don't Look Down" by David Ryan Harris because there have been so many times this year when I wanted to look down. I wanted to just give up. Throw in the towel and figure out something else to do with my life. The first couple months of teaching were, without a doubt, 2 of the hardest months of my life. Not only was I thrown in to teaching, I was living by myself for the first time in 22 years, my friends and family were far away, and my students were very challenging. But, like with all things in life, I learned to cope, I prayed a lot, and I realized that, yes, I could do this, and yes, I WILL do this. The lyrics could also be for my students. Having to teach them, not only about English, but also about life. Not giving up or 'looking down', but believing in themselves.

I've had many 'fortunes' this year. I am fortunate for family that cares. Family that sends cards and calls and checks in. I am fortunate for the best friends ever. Fortunate that so many of my best friends are also first year teachers. We've created this web of support. We send daily e-mails of, '...you will never believe what my student just did' or '...I am completely stressed and wish we could all meet for dinner'. We've been there, we've prayed for each other, leaned on each other. I can't thank them enough. I am also fortunate in the fact that I met a new family in the faculty of RCHS. The sweet women in the English Dept. have taken me under their wing and haven't let me fall. Especially that second morning of class when I completely lost it 10 minutes before the bell rang, it wasn't 5 minutes later before Carolyn came in with a lesson plan, a hug, and support that I could do this and would do this. They've been so kind, supportive, and the biggest encouragers I could have asked for.

I had my 'full circle' moment a couple weeks ago. My friend Lindsey came to spend the day with me at school for my birthday. During my planning period I took her around school and showed her everything RCHS had to offer. Telling her about the different buildings, all 2 of them, where the departments were, who did what, and how the school day ran. It was the next day I realized that it had just seemed like yesterday when Heather, another English teacher, had just given ME that tour. She took me under her wing to show me the ropes and now I was able to give the same tour with confidence and ease. I had to smile to myself in realization that I had MADE it! I was finally a teacher. I guess it's silly for a 'tour' to make you feel like a teacher, but it was just the feeling of, I know how this works now. I can do this for 20 some more years.

I still sometimes have ambiguous feelings about education. There are many things I am frustrated with. I still get upset when my students just 'don't care'. I get ill when the government doesn't seem to understand why education is so important. I get irritated when they take money, my HARD earned money, from my paycheck. It is frustrating, but I am slowly understanding that is just another part of this job.

There are SO many things I want to improve on next year. I have a constant list going in my head of things I want to do better next year and I want to try differently. I want to be a stronger disciplinarian, a more challenging teacher. I would be lying if I said at times during this year I wasn't in 'survival' mode. But, I've learned from it all. From the good and bad. I've learned that teaching isn't a one-dimensional job. It has many layers. I am not just a teacher. I am not just a person that pulls out a literature book and says, read, understand, write. I challenge, encourage, motivate, smile, laugh, and tell my students to dig deeper.

I know that at this time next year, I will put more into my book of teaching knowledge. The day I stop learning from this job is the day I don't want to do it anymore. If I'm not learning and challenging myself, what's the point? I don't do this for the money or summer vacation. I do this for the look I get when I see a student 'get it'. I do this because I want to make a difference.

I dedicate this to my teachers. Past and present. Mrs. McKinney, Mrs. Vaughn, Mrs. Rhodes, Miss Ennis, Mrs. Hasty, Carolyn, Sandee, Angela, Heather - I long to be like y'all and hope that my teaching will someday inspire others like y'all have inspired me. My other first year teachers, that I've learned just as much from - Case, Em, Carrie, Kelly - we made it :) (and my other GG's - Linds and Caro, we're all in this together). To Mom, for being my rock and guide in life. And most of all - to God, for sanity, grace, and love.