Forgetting to Swim

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim." ~Tyler Knott Gregson

I came across this quote and instantly gasped at its perfect timing in my life.  Don't you love when that happens?  When you read or see something that you know was meant to be found by you at that exact moment.  That's how I felt as soon as I read this.  Then, I re-read it.  I read it over and over, at least 20 times.  It is exactly how I feel with my job right now.

I've written on my teaching career many times.  I've wanted to be a teacher since I was a wee little girl pretending to "hold class" in my mom's classroom after school at Glen Alpine Elementary.  I felt that I was destined to hold this title.

As the years of teaching have progressed, the challenges have changed.  The burdens a bit heavier.  The expectations a bit higher.  The job has become much more than I had ever expected.  Five years ago, I worried about discipline, my lessons being perfect, whether or not I would be observed, and if my students were getting absolutely anything from my lessons.  Now, don't get me wrong, I still worry about these things, but now I worry if my kids are on Facebook on their Chromebooks, if my observations will hurt my new evaluation created by the state, if my lessons are aligned with the Common Core, pacing guide, EOC, and are 21st century.  Am I going to have time to fit it all in?  Is the club I advise doing enough?  Will I be able to  clean my house this weekend when I have so much to grade?  Am I a good teacher?  Am I a good role model?  Am I a good mentor?  Am I a good colleague, department chair, academic coach, OSTE, advisor, so on and so forth.

Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.

Sinking is what I feel.  Sinking in that beautiful ocean I once loved.  The promise is breaking.  I am treading and losing my grip on swimming in the grandness of teaching.

I called and talked to my mom for a long time last night.  I complained and cried to her that I didn't know how to do it anymore.  All of it.  Feeling so overwhelmed and unappreciated.  Then she said, but you love it. You love this and you are good at it.  You have to realize that the reason you do all of these things is because of your love for teaching.

Sometimes the water gets deep, scary, cold, and uncertain.  That's how teaching feels for me right now.  And sometimes I forget how much I used to love it.  And still do.  I do love this job.  I love my students, the relationships and conversations.  I love that I get to learn every single day with them.  The swimming and magic of it.  I forgot and keep on forgetting how it feels.

So we take a step back.  Marvel at this job and all that comes with it.  Every time I stand in front of the ocean, I am overwhelmed with its majesty.  That's how I feel with teaching.  Overwhelmed.  But, I can't forget that I still love to get in that water.  I still love the swimming.  I still love this job.  I still love teaching.

I can't forget that.

Thoughts on Life...Lately

I always have a lot of thoughts swirling around my mind.  If my mind had a mental recorder, this blog would be filled with tons of posts about the life I lead.  Boring it might be, but I always want to write about my musings on life.

Lately, I've really been "realizing" my age.  I'm 26.  When I look back on the life plan that I thought I would have (granted this was planned in middle school), there are several things that haven't turned out the way I thought.  I thought that I'd be engaged, possibly married by now.  Every time I see a baby, I have a deep longing to be a mother.  It's more of a tug now than ever before.  I have always wanted to be a mother, but was obviously fine with just snuggling with other people's babies.  Now, there is more of a desire to be a mother.  To snuggle with my own child.  Teach morals, values, letters, and books to a small person.  I get to be a mother every day to 90 students, but it'd be nice to have one of my own!

I know that life is planned in a certain way for a certain purpose.  I get that.  I wouldn't want to rush things.  I doubt I could handle a dog at the moment, so why do I think I could handle another little human being?  I know that patience is a virtue, and I'm really trying to "get that" and be okay with it, but boy is it hard sometimes!

In the month of November, I am more aware of all the wonderful things around me.  All the things to be truly thankful for.  My list is overflowing, and I'm happy that I have such a wonderful group of friends, sweet family, and a good job.  There's always something inside me wondering what the next step is.  What should I do next?  But, I'm trying to live in the moment.  Bask in the multitude of thanks that I feel. When it is time to leap onto the next step, I will jump and do it.  I just hope it's an obvious one!

Thoughts

I wrote this for my students.

I chose this week’s current event article with a purpose in mind.  You are a powerful generation, and though you might not realize it, your generation is more powerful than mine is.  You have the means to get your voices out into the world in ways that my generations and the ones that came before only imagined.  You are a generation of technology, awareness, and power.  You might not even realize how powerful all of you together are.

With this power, there comes a certain responsibility.  The cape always carries the weight of difficult decisions.  Though your voices need to be heard, the voice needs to understand what it is saying.

Through my five years of teaching, I have seen students do extraordinarily nice things.  I've seen students give time, money, talents, and love.  I've also seen students do things that brought my heart to a halting beat.  With all the knowledge that this world has given you, why do you still say mean things?  Why do you still speak with intolerance?  Why is there still bullying going on?

My grandparents grew up in a time when they couldn't be friends with black people.  My childhood was filled with children of all different races and colors.  My cousin is now married to a black man and has one of the cutest little girls you will ever meet.

My parents grew up in a time where it was taboo to talk about many of the issues that your generation is packed with.  My adolescence has been overflowing with understanding that there are all kinds of people, and though on the outside we may seem a bit different, we’re all the same inside.

YOU have grown up with people that are different from you.  I’m not asking you to change your beliefs or question your morals.  ALL I want from you is to understand how powerful you are.  How powerful your VOICE is. 

When you talk, though you might not realize it, you are being heard.  When you say slanderous things about someone or something, people are listening.  The power of your voice to harm people is huge.  When you say hurtful things, someone is listening.  How do you know that they aren't being affected by you?

In this class we've learned 200 vocabulary words, parts of speech, sentence, and phrases.  We've written essays, talked about themes and characters.  We've read poems, articles, and discussed a myriad of things.  I want you to leave my class knowing all of these things, but I also want you to have an understanding of the worldly things.  That there is a huge world out there and having awareness of others is one of the best things you can have.

Be Kind.