Ch-Ch-Changes

Go ahead and get that song in your head...thanks Bowie.

This year has brought a lot of ch-ch-changes in my direction.  As posted in an earlier entry, I've been changing lots of things in my life.  I'll let you in on a secret (one that isn't a secret at all to those who know me well)...I FREAKING HATE CHANGE.

That's right.  Hate. It.

I know it's "inevitable".  I know that "we have to do it".  I know it all.  Throw those cliched phrases at me, I've heard them all.

In the past three weeks, I've made the biggest "change" of my life since 2008 (when I began teaching).  For the past seven years, I've been at the same high school.  I've lived within a 30 mile radius of my school.  So, it was a huge decision to leave Rockingham High School.  One that I prayed about.  One that I sill pray about.

But tomorrow, I officially begin my tenure at Mt. Tabor High.  I'm excited and nervous and scared and all sorts of emotions.  I keep on thinking about the movie "Inside Out" and imagine that my emotions are all aflutter and hopping all over the place in my brain!

I can fret and worry and freak out all I want to.  It's not going to stop the tide of change.  The best I can do it learn how to catch the wave and try my best not to get pulled under.  This isn't to say that I'm not going to feel like I'm drowning half the time.  However, I know I have God, my family, and my friends throwing out the lifesavers and helping me swim to shore.

All I can do is learn to embrace it, learn from it, and pray about it.

There's a beautiful quote from the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (side note...this was originally a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, but this particular quote was not in the novel):

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.  There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.  You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.  We can make the best or the worst of it.  I hope you make the best of it.  And I hope you see things that startle you.  I hope you feel things you never felt before.  I hope you meet people with a different point of view.  I hope you live a life you're proud of.  If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

I love this quote because it reminds me to not be afraid of change.  When a person neglects change or when they look the other way, they're missing all the great things that come with that special gift.  It's scary as hell, but it allows a person to experience new things, to meet new people, to learn and grow and see and feel.  It is a good thing.  So I'm going to try to "make the best of it".  I'm going to get to know people "with a different view".  But most of all, I'm going to "live a life I'm proud of."

Cheers to change.

The Ugly Truth

I've been writing this particular post in my head for about a month now.  Though words would continue to stir and try to form into coherent sentences, nothing seemed to formulate.  So, bear with me...I'm not sure if this will make any sense or just be a jumbled stream of conscience that maybe comes together by the end.

Everything started out so well.  I mean, sure, it was hard, but I was kicking some diet booty.  I was so proud of myself.  The willpower was high...the weight was getting low(er).  I was thrilled at how good I was feeling, both physically and emotionally.  I was going to the gym at least twice a week.  Counting calories and portion control was a huge help.  All the support and encouragement was the icing on the (fat free) cake.  I was ecstatic that people were noticing my hard work!  As ridiculous and conceited as that sounds, it was true.  By the beginning of May, I was almost at my FORTY (40!!) pound mark.  Just about 4 lbs from it, to be exact.  My goal was to be 50 down by the beginning, or even middle, of summer.  But then an old friend...that sneaky bastard... came knocking on my door.

Can I blame all of this on depression?  Absolutely not.  I don't.  I do know that for some reason, even though I was exercising, eating well, taking my doctor prescribed meds, going to said doctor, trying to keep an optimistic look on things...depression knocked on my door, threw me to the ground, and took up residence.  And just like that, I was thrown off the positive road I had tried so hard to stay on.

I love (which is such an ironic word to use when writing about depression) when people personify depression.  Making it into a thief stealing life from you.  Turning it into a drug that you can't escape.  It helps to see depression as something tangible.  That's how it feels.  It feels like a thief.  I had a therapist describe it as a large man sitting on your chest...it sounds ridiculous, but it's so true.  No leaving.  No breathing.  Paralyzed to your bed.

In the midst of all this, I was also having to make some pretty big life decisions.  Moving jobs, cities, houses, etc.  Depression mixed with change equals dangerous territory.  And here I was....right smack in the middle of it.

At some point, it felt as if that large man, that thief, that rat bastard had led me to an ocean pier and pushed me off into the dark churning water.  Falling, I heard him yell, "Good luck!"  By the end of May, I had barely made it to the shore.  But all the will power had been taken into the ocean.  I was stripped of my desire to continue on with the diet, exercise, or anything slightly resembling it.

This summer, I've used traveling and no routine as an excuse to not exercise or "get back on the wagon".  And though that is true, the other part is, I'm just angry with myself.  I am so mad I have to start over again.  And here is the ugly truth, because maybe if I type it, it will cement in my head, I've gained half of what I lost back.  HALF.  It's like two steps forward, 15 steps back.

So what's the point of writing all of this?  Well, you, kind reader, have cheered me along.  The positivity and encouragement were the best motivation EVER.  And I feel like I don't really deserve it again, but I do owe a "what just happened?"  4 solid months of work down the drain is what my mind is telling me, but my heart (oh, that precious organ of stubbornness) is telling me to get back on the horse, wagon, bike (ha), and go for it again.

I don't know when I will be back in full "COMMENCE HEALTHY EATING AND LIFESTYLE" mode again.  A lot of things in my life have got to change, namely food and exercise and routine.  But, I've not COMPLETELY given up hope.  Not quite yet.  So, maybe you won't either.  No words of encouragement necessary, just a silent prayer that when I do get back up again, it will be okay.  The motivation will be there.  The strength will come.

Thank you, friends.

Allllllll Over - July in a Nutshell

During the month of July, I was able to visit 6 different states and spend time with lots of loved ones!  I'm going to try to be brief - and also make a longer post out of my DC/PA/NYC trip at some point!

1. Birmingham - I was so excited to fly down and visit my former teacher, mentor, and fabulous friend, Spring McKinney.  She moved down to Bham around this time last year and it's the first time I've been able to visit.  We had a wonderful time!  We shopped around, fixed up her classroom, talked long into the evening, and just spend some excellent quality time together.  I teared up when I she left me at the airport.  It's always hard leaving!

It was also a treat to get to see my sweet little McKinney's!  They're growing up TOO fast!!

2. Barrier Beach Trip - My mom surprised my sister and me with an impromptu beach trip!  We (my mom, dad, sister, and me) haven't been to the Outer Banks together in almost 8 years!!  It was a welcome trip.  The best thing was seeing Thad experience the beach - especially one that is so special to our family.  He loved the water, sand, and birds!  I hope we can go again next summer and continue the tradition. 

3. Georgia on my Mind - One of the trips I always look forward to each summer is the week I spend with Case.  The past several years, I always try to schedule a week or so down visiting and Case is always gracious enough to let me come!  We spent time eating, talking, shopping, decorating, singing, and of course snuggle time with Brooks!!  

4. SHANIA freaking TWAIN - Oh man.  Let me tell you.  I have loved Shania Twain since I was a little girl.  Growing up, my sister and I sang allllll of her songs alllll of the time!  On my birthday, my sister and mom surprised me with SHANIA tickets!  I was absolutely GIDDY and drunk with excitement.  I sang, I danced, I cried, and laughed, and I had a fantastic time.  I am so glad I was able to experience the concert with my mom and sister - it was such a treat!!

5. ROAD TRIP to the NORTH!!  I will just say - it was so much fun!  I'm going to save this for a separate post :)

So many more things and thoughts to post!  But I will end on that...for now!!