Reflections on Two Weeks

I'm sitting here in my classroom...exhausted...and thought I would write while I'm in the "zone".

The past two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster.  I've cried, laughed, yelled, questioned my sanity, and have felt tested in new ways.  I knew going into this new job that there would be aspects that would be hard.  I knew I would miss Rockingham.  I knew I would miss my kids at Rockingham.  I don't think I realized how much I would miss both of them.  It's hard being "the new kid".  You have no "cred" and you have to reestablish yourself in lots of ways.  Not that I'm not up for the challenge, but whew, it's been a lot harder than I expected.

There's always a but...

But, I have learned SO much.  One of the main reasons I decided to leave and start fresh was that I felt I had grown as much as I could at Rockingham.  I'm so thankful for those years, and I wouldn't take them back for the world, but I had reached a point where I knew it was time to challenge myself again.

Today, finally, after about 10 days, I really felt like I connected with my students.  They are loud and they are needy and they are frustrating, but man, I think I love them.  Letting myself get over Rockingham and open myself up to new experiences has been the most rewarding thing about this.  I've met so many wonderful new people.  I'm teaching with two of my best friends.  I'm learning so much about teaching, lesson planning, and myself.

Growing and learning...every.single.day...

**Note: Just found this in my draft list and decided to go ahead and post it...it's a little bit encouraging after writing my latest post.**

Current Life...A Pros and Cons Edition

*tap* *tap* Is this thing on?

It's been awhile since I posted and wrote an update on my blog.  I've been trying to stay afloat with life changes and new jobs and general life stuff.  Here are some pros and cons of life right now.

PROS:

• I am really loving Winston Salem.  I like living in a place that definitely has the city feel, but then also has a small town atmosphere as well.  It's nice to be so close to shops, food, and most importantly, friends!
• Living with one of my best friends = pretty sweet deal.  It's nice to come home and vent to Caro about life...she's heard it all before, but she still listens.  We have an old lady routine down pat.  Local news, national news, E! news...and then I go to bed.  Yes, I have become 70.
• Working with two of my besties is amazing, too!  I just left Em's room where I vented about something that happened today.  Monday morning, Carrie popped by just to say hey.  It's so nice having them here for support and to answer all my questions!
• My boys are growing up on me...is this a pro or con?  They're so amazing, I'm making them a pro.  Thad is hilarious and goofy and such a ham.  It's been hard not living close to them anymore, but each time I do see him (and his parents), it's fantastic.  Brooks is so much fun!  He says animal sounds and has the sweetest grin you've ever seen.  I got to visit with him (and his parents) this past weekend, and I enjoyed every minute!  Wyatt started walking!!  I keep on telling him to slow down with the growing thing, but he's turned a deaf ear to me.  In all seriousness, he's precious and I adore facetiming and seeing him (and his parents).

CONS:

*This is the womp womp portion of this blog...so feel free to just end with the good if you don't want to hear my whining!*

• So...the new job is hard.  I am a perfectionist by nature, so coming into a new setting with new people, new expectations, etc and not being 100% perfect from the get go is hard!  I also didn't realize how much I would miss Rockingham.  I know it's probably because it was what was so familiar, but it's hard to let that go.  I don't have an established presence at my new school, which is also oddly frustrating.  I didn't realize how much I had grown used to that at my old school.  Learning a lot...but, also trying not to sink.  It's a juggling act.
• I don't know if teaching is what I'm meant to do with my life.  Yikes.  Yea, I put it out there.  I have recently been saying this out loud a lot more than I ever used to before.  It's just so hard.  I know that ANY job is going to be hard, but I just feel like I should love it more.   Did I ever love it?  I don't know.  I love my students.  I love reading.  I love the idea of education and changing the lives of students...but I don't even know if that's happening anymore.  I just feel very stuck.  I thought that moving schools would be the answer.  I knew that if I moved schools and I was still unsure of my profession, it might be time to look for something else.  BUT, I have ABSOLUTELY no clue what else I would ever do.  And I have to, at this point in my life, be realistic.  I need a job that has benefits.  I need a job with security.  I need a job that will adequately pay my bills.  I just don't know what that might be.  
• Depression and anxiety have still been lurking around my heart and mind.  They don't like to give up their post.
• My "healthy lifestyle" has not been so great lately.  I blame all the change, but honestly, I just don't want to have to think about one more thing.  Which is easier?  Making dinner and thinking about calories OR popping by Chick fil a?  I know which one is the BETTER choice, but alas, that choice hasn't been the one I've been picking lately.

All of this to say...there's good and there's bad.  I think that's just life.  I have a lot on my heart right now, so if you're of the praying persuasion, send one up for me.  Thankful for my bounty of blessings and all the family and friends that make my life rich.  

Ch-Ch-Changes

Go ahead and get that song in your head...thanks Bowie.

This year has brought a lot of ch-ch-changes in my direction.  As posted in an earlier entry, I've been changing lots of things in my life.  I'll let you in on a secret (one that isn't a secret at all to those who know me well)...I FREAKING HATE CHANGE.

That's right.  Hate. It.

I know it's "inevitable".  I know that "we have to do it".  I know it all.  Throw those cliched phrases at me, I've heard them all.

In the past three weeks, I've made the biggest "change" of my life since 2008 (when I began teaching).  For the past seven years, I've been at the same high school.  I've lived within a 30 mile radius of my school.  So, it was a huge decision to leave Rockingham High School.  One that I prayed about.  One that I sill pray about.

But tomorrow, I officially begin my tenure at Mt. Tabor High.  I'm excited and nervous and scared and all sorts of emotions.  I keep on thinking about the movie "Inside Out" and imagine that my emotions are all aflutter and hopping all over the place in my brain!

I can fret and worry and freak out all I want to.  It's not going to stop the tide of change.  The best I can do it learn how to catch the wave and try my best not to get pulled under.  This isn't to say that I'm not going to feel like I'm drowning half the time.  However, I know I have God, my family, and my friends throwing out the lifesavers and helping me swim to shore.

All I can do is learn to embrace it, learn from it, and pray about it.

There's a beautiful quote from the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (side note...this was originally a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, but this particular quote was not in the novel):

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.  There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.  You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.  We can make the best or the worst of it.  I hope you make the best of it.  And I hope you see things that startle you.  I hope you feel things you never felt before.  I hope you meet people with a different point of view.  I hope you live a life you're proud of.  If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

I love this quote because it reminds me to not be afraid of change.  When a person neglects change or when they look the other way, they're missing all the great things that come with that special gift.  It's scary as hell, but it allows a person to experience new things, to meet new people, to learn and grow and see and feel.  It is a good thing.  So I'm going to try to "make the best of it".  I'm going to get to know people "with a different view".  But most of all, I'm going to "live a life I'm proud of."

Cheers to change.

The Ugly Truth

I've been writing this particular post in my head for about a month now.  Though words would continue to stir and try to form into coherent sentences, nothing seemed to formulate.  So, bear with me...I'm not sure if this will make any sense or just be a jumbled stream of conscience that maybe comes together by the end.

Everything started out so well.  I mean, sure, it was hard, but I was kicking some diet booty.  I was so proud of myself.  The willpower was high...the weight was getting low(er).  I was thrilled at how good I was feeling, both physically and emotionally.  I was going to the gym at least twice a week.  Counting calories and portion control was a huge help.  All the support and encouragement was the icing on the (fat free) cake.  I was ecstatic that people were noticing my hard work!  As ridiculous and conceited as that sounds, it was true.  By the beginning of May, I was almost at my FORTY (40!!) pound mark.  Just about 4 lbs from it, to be exact.  My goal was to be 50 down by the beginning, or even middle, of summer.  But then an old friend...that sneaky bastard... came knocking on my door.

Can I blame all of this on depression?  Absolutely not.  I don't.  I do know that for some reason, even though I was exercising, eating well, taking my doctor prescribed meds, going to said doctor, trying to keep an optimistic look on things...depression knocked on my door, threw me to the ground, and took up residence.  And just like that, I was thrown off the positive road I had tried so hard to stay on.

I love (which is such an ironic word to use when writing about depression) when people personify depression.  Making it into a thief stealing life from you.  Turning it into a drug that you can't escape.  It helps to see depression as something tangible.  That's how it feels.  It feels like a thief.  I had a therapist describe it as a large man sitting on your chest...it sounds ridiculous, but it's so true.  No leaving.  No breathing.  Paralyzed to your bed.

In the midst of all this, I was also having to make some pretty big life decisions.  Moving jobs, cities, houses, etc.  Depression mixed with change equals dangerous territory.  And here I was....right smack in the middle of it.

At some point, it felt as if that large man, that thief, that rat bastard had led me to an ocean pier and pushed me off into the dark churning water.  Falling, I heard him yell, "Good luck!"  By the end of May, I had barely made it to the shore.  But all the will power had been taken into the ocean.  I was stripped of my desire to continue on with the diet, exercise, or anything slightly resembling it.

This summer, I've used traveling and no routine as an excuse to not exercise or "get back on the wagon".  And though that is true, the other part is, I'm just angry with myself.  I am so mad I have to start over again.  And here is the ugly truth, because maybe if I type it, it will cement in my head, I've gained half of what I lost back.  HALF.  It's like two steps forward, 15 steps back.

So what's the point of writing all of this?  Well, you, kind reader, have cheered me along.  The positivity and encouragement were the best motivation EVER.  And I feel like I don't really deserve it again, but I do owe a "what just happened?"  4 solid months of work down the drain is what my mind is telling me, but my heart (oh, that precious organ of stubbornness) is telling me to get back on the horse, wagon, bike (ha), and go for it again.

I don't know when I will be back in full "COMMENCE HEALTHY EATING AND LIFESTYLE" mode again.  A lot of things in my life have got to change, namely food and exercise and routine.  But, I've not COMPLETELY given up hope.  Not quite yet.  So, maybe you won't either.  No words of encouragement necessary, just a silent prayer that when I do get back up again, it will be okay.  The motivation will be there.  The strength will come.

Thank you, friends.

Allllllll Over - July in a Nutshell

During the month of July, I was able to visit 6 different states and spend time with lots of loved ones!  I'm going to try to be brief - and also make a longer post out of my DC/PA/NYC trip at some point!

1. Birmingham - I was so excited to fly down and visit my former teacher, mentor, and fabulous friend, Spring McKinney.  She moved down to Bham around this time last year and it's the first time I've been able to visit.  We had a wonderful time!  We shopped around, fixed up her classroom, talked long into the evening, and just spend some excellent quality time together.  I teared up when I she left me at the airport.  It's always hard leaving!

It was also a treat to get to see my sweet little McKinney's!  They're growing up TOO fast!!

2. Barrier Beach Trip - My mom surprised my sister and me with an impromptu beach trip!  We (my mom, dad, sister, and me) haven't been to the Outer Banks together in almost 8 years!!  It was a welcome trip.  The best thing was seeing Thad experience the beach - especially one that is so special to our family.  He loved the water, sand, and birds!  I hope we can go again next summer and continue the tradition. 

3. Georgia on my Mind - One of the trips I always look forward to each summer is the week I spend with Case.  The past several years, I always try to schedule a week or so down visiting and Case is always gracious enough to let me come!  We spent time eating, talking, shopping, decorating, singing, and of course snuggle time with Brooks!!  

4. SHANIA freaking TWAIN - Oh man.  Let me tell you.  I have loved Shania Twain since I was a little girl.  Growing up, my sister and I sang allllll of her songs alllll of the time!  On my birthday, my sister and mom surprised me with SHANIA tickets!  I was absolutely GIDDY and drunk with excitement.  I sang, I danced, I cried, and laughed, and I had a fantastic time.  I am so glad I was able to experience the concert with my mom and sister - it was such a treat!!

5. ROAD TRIP to the NORTH!!  I will just say - it was so much fun!  I'm going to save this for a separate post :)

So many more things and thoughts to post!  But I will end on that...for now!!

Late June Update

Since I wrote last, I've began summer, watched sweet students graduate, celebrated two little nephews' birthdays, been to the beach, said goodbye to my RCHS classroom, moved all my teaching stuff into my new classroom, driven here and there and here, finalized summer plans, baked 2 two-tiered cakes and my first officially purchased cake, and welcomed the newest member of our family! WHEW.  Let's break it down...

1. RCHS Class of 2015 Graduates - This was an especially bittersweet graduation because I knew it would be my last one as a faculty member of RCHS.  It was also special because this group holds a large chunk of my heart.  Every class is special to me for one reason or another, but there were several kids in this class that wrangled my heart in and never let go.  It was a beautiful, albeit HOT, day.  The kids were great and it was a wonderful celebration of all their accomplishments and hard work.  I pray that they always show God's love and He goes with them in all of their many different directions.

2. BIRTHDAY FUN! - June is starting to become the BIRTHDAY MONTH!  Two of my cousins, two of my nephews, and we just added another new date to celebrate with Saylir being born!

On the 20th, we partied and had a great time celebrating Thad turning TWO!  His birthday was actually the 21st, but we got to partay a day early.  Megan did a fantastic job with getting everything together.  Thad had a jungle themed party and it was super cute!  He ran around, splashed in the pool, opened tons of gifts, and enjoyed the sunshine!

This past weekend, I was able to help celebrate one of my other "nephews", Wyatt.  His first birthday was a huge success!  He is precious.  My favorite part was his "smash cake".  Because of some digestive issues, Matt and Kelly decided to make a non-dairy whip cream substitute.  He loved it!  It's been so much fun to see him grow and learn over the past year!

3. CAKES - I was honored to make both Thad and Wyatt's birthday cakes for their parties this year.  I took a Wilton class back in February and liked it so much, I decided to take another one in May.  It's been a lot of fun!  I enjoy being creative and looking for new ideas.  I will say that it's a hard thing to do with being a perfectionist!  I think both cakes turned out cute!

In addition to those cakes, one of my former students contacted me about making a cake for her daughter's birthday.  So I've had my first official paid cake!!  I hope that sweet Ky likes it next weekend!

4. Moving Classes - During the last week of school, in the midst of testing and wrapping up usual school stuff, I packed up almost all of my classroom.  One never realizes how much stuff...and by stuff, I mean crap...that they accumulate over the span of seven years.  I threw away two HUGE bags of trash and still had a full truck and car load.

It was, again, bittersweet.  Sifting through papers, projects, lessons, notes, and pictures from the past seven years.  It reinforced how wonderful the first part of my career has been.  I've enjoyed Rockingham so much and adore all the people who have blessed and enriched my life.

Walking into my new room was exciting!  However, there are so many things to do to get ready for this upcoming school year.  I pray for calm nerves as I begin this new journey!

5. Family Beach Trip (#1) - The Barrier's and the Outer Banks go together like sea and sand.  We've been going there since I was 2.  Which...is a long time.  My aunt and uncle rented a house a couple weeks ago and were kind enough to ask if I would like to come stay!  I was thrilled.  I hadn't been to Cape Hatteras in several years.  It hasn't changed.  Beautiful.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  The house was perfect and right on the beach.  No shark attacks...but we were on high alert!!

6. Saylir Raine Roland - Our family has been blessed again!  My sweet cousin, Katy, had her third daughter yesterday (6/27/15).  Saylir is beautiful!  I haven't gotten to meet her yet, but from her pictures, she is an absolute doll baby!  I'm so thankful for a safe delivery and for Saylir to grow up in such a wonderful home!  I haven't met Saylir yet, so I don't have pics to share, but I will have and post some soon :)

Anticipating a very busy July.  Trips to Alabama, back to the Outer Banks, Georgia, DC, Philly, and NY!  Not to mention, packing up my current residence and moving to Winston!!  It's going to be a busy, but fun summer.

Goodbye, Rockingham

As I peeked into the room, I was overwhelmed with the possibilities that were awaiting me.  I was giddy at the thought of all the cute bulletin boards, desk arrangements, projects, students, discussions, and learning that would be taking place in room 104.

I was a fresh teacher.  A little green behind the ear as they say.  I had just been hired for my very first teaching job and I was nervous, excited, and thrilled all rolled into one.

Seven years later...I can't believe I'm closing the door on that same classroom.

To begin this story, we need to go back to January.  Sitting in a booth with my mentor, former teacher, and dear friend, Mrs. McKinney, she looked at me just like she did seven years earlier and said, "You're stuck...you need to move."  She encouraged me to at least TRY to send out a resume.  So, speed up to.....

A couple weeks ago, I got a text from one of my best friends telling me that there might be a position opened in her county at her school.  I have been hemming and hawing over what to do as far as moving for awhile now.  I had all but decided just to stay where I'm comfortable and slyly ignore Mrs. McKinney's advice, but something told me to at least send a resume.

I made sure all my resume and cover letter ducks were in a row, and I emailed the principal.  I truly left it up to God.  I told myself that if it was in His plan for me to move, then He would open that door.  A couple weeks later, the door swung open.

I received a call from that school's principal asking if I could come in for an interview the following day.  That was a Tuesday.  On Wednesday, I nervously drove to Winston-Salem and tried desperately to coax myself into believing I could do this...that it was the right thing...that I wasn't going to throw up in my car...the usual.  The interview went well and at the end of it, the principal said he wanted to hire me.   I think my jaw hit the floor.

I walked into Em's room and was introduced as the newest member of the English department at Mt. Tabor High School!  She bounced up and down and yelled and whooped and was overall pretty ecstatic!  I was able to walk around and see what will be my new classroom.  It was surreal!

The next day, I was officially offered and subsequently accepted the job.  I was excited, terrified, freaked out, and about a million different emotions!  I went into school and began the extremely difficult process of telling my administrators, co-workers, and students.  Whew...that was hard.

I'm still in shock.  On Monday, I began taking down my room.  The room that has been my second home for the past seven years.  I feel like I'm peeling away memories every time I take down a poster, picture, project, note, or post-it.  It's really been the first time it's sunk in and became real.  It's hard to imagine myself not at Rockingham.  This was, and will always be, my first job.  My first taste of the "real world".  I have so many colleagues and students who have changed my life.

I keep on stopping and looking around my room as I pack up.  Every picture I take down, I smile.  Every post it I take down, I laugh.  Every part of this room means something to me.  I remember where I stood the very first day I taught here.  I remember where I was when I met my first student teacher.  I remember so many students' faces filling up these desks.  Their bright personalities filling up the space.  Their lives filling up my heart.

The people here make Rockingham.  I remember someone telling me, "It's like a family."  They were right.  It is.  In the past week, since people people have found out I'm moving, I've had so many people come up to me with kind words and sincere wishes for the best as I move on.  It's a hard move.  It's one I've prayed about for a long time.  A lot of that is because of this family at RCHS.

It is with an anxious, but excited heart that I leave these doors, however, I'm excited for this new journey and pray God continues to be with me as I go into this new adventure!

For Spring

As soon as I walked into her classroom, I felt at home.  I'm not sure if it was the bright colors coming from the markers on the board - in gorgeous font - or the Mary Englebreit (whom I adore) posters adorning the walls.  I quickly sat down with three of my friends and was welcomed into the classroom that would convince me I wanted to be a high school English teacher.

There were a few things I already knew about one Spring McKinney.  She was adopting a baby girl from China, she assigned a big quilt project, and she had impeccable style.  I loved English, and I had hopes that my love would only grow from this class and experience.

I've heard a lot of my students whine and say, "We learn the same things every year in English!"  I agree that there is a typical run down of vocabulary, grammar, and reading comprehension, but when I was in Mrs. McKinney's classroom, it didn't feel that way.  She took teaching and shaped it in her hands, making the outcome always exciting and different.  I started looking at stories a new way.  I fell in love with so many short stories and books.  My life was altered by reading The Awakening and Welcome to the World, Baby Girl!  These still are two of my absolute favorite books of all time.

I loved that I was able to start my day off in Mrs. McKinney's room.  I loved taking literature and making it mine.  Really owning it and analyzing the fine details.  I wrote essays on quotes and symbols and authors...and I didn't mind doing it.  I think that's the sign of an incredible teacher.  The student becomes so immersed in the material, the richness of the class, the details of the language, that they don't even know they're learning.  They're just living.

Much like I remember the first day I walked into Mrs. McKinney's room, I remember her telling me she was going to leave it.  My friend, Caroline, and I were sitting in our Earth Science class when she asked to see us outside.  She calmly told us she was moving to Birmingham, AL.  Her husband had found an incredible job opportunity and took it.  She promised to keep in touch and told us we could visit anytime we wanted to.

I was heartbroken, but Mrs. McKinney kept her promise.  We exchanged letters, emails, phone calls, and then in the fall after she moved, Caroline and I were able to go out and visit her.  Before I knew it, she had news that she was moving back.  I was elated.

For several years, anytime I was home, I tried to visit Mrs. McKinney.  I could tell her anything.  I could ask her anything.  Our bond from student/teacher had grown to a close friend/mentor-ship.  Then, she up and moved on me again.  I definitely cried that time.

I started this post a couple weeks ago during "Teacher Appreciation Week".  I wanted to somehow thank the woman who has shaped my life and helped to mold me.  I could tell you a million different stories about the times she has pushed me, helped me, supported me, taught me, and inspired me.  I still call her to tease out my problems, ask advice, and get her opinion.  She never lets me down.  The mark she has left on my life is one that will forever shape me...because she believes in me...I believe in myself.

There's a quote from Tuesdays with Morrie that always reminds me of Mrs. McKinney...so I close with those words:

"Have you ever really had a teacher?  One who saw you as a raw but precious thing; a jewel that, with wisdom, could be polished to a proud shine?"  (I have...)
~Mitch Albom

4 Month Weight Check In

There is a small canvas on my bedroom dresser that reads, "She Believed She Could, So She Did."  My friends Emily and Carrie gave it to me years ago.  Last September, my friend, Casey, gave me a set of three rings with the inscription reading the same words.  Those words have been my mantra for the past four months.  It's been a long, long, long journey...and I know it's just the beginning of the marathon.  I'm just warming up.  Because I believe I can...so I'm going to do it.

April was overall successful.  There is something about the spring time that fills me with a sense of renewed hope.  I embrace the warm weather and love feeling the sun on my skin.  I think starting a diet...healthy lifestyle...in January is good - start of the year and all - but it's so depressing with the cold weather.  I was eagerly anticipating this change of season.

I hit a MAJOR milestone this month with reaching the THIRTY POUND MARK.  When I stepped on the scale and saw that number...I was relieved.  Honestly.  More than excited, I was just relieved that I was able to get to that mark.  It gave me a sense of hope that I could continue to soldier on.  I am overall 6 lbs down this month.  I'm happy with the number, though I wanted it to be closer to 10.  I know that I'm at the point where I'm probably not going to be hitting the "big" numbers each month.  In the beginning, losing 12 lbs in a month was incredible, but I am realistic that those numbers are not going to be here every month.

Some Thoughts:

• I still love yoga.  It's a lot easier than it used to be.  I was able to hit this one pose that I had been working on a couple weeks ago and was pretty stoked.
• After yoga, the Y usually has a class called "P20".  It's 20 minutes cardio, 20 minutes weights, and 20 minutes core work.  It is intense.  Like, what have I done to myself intense.  BUT, I love the feeling afterwards.  It's a rush to make it through the whole class!
• I anticipate trying to walk a little more this month outside.  It's finally pretty and warm again. There's been so much rain the past few weeks that walking really hasn't been an option, but as the sun stays out, hopefully I will too.
• Smaller portions have been something I've focused on.  Not necessarily on cheat day (ha!), but throughout the week.  
• The network of support I've gained in this journey has been incredible.  Living in a small community, several of my students have been in my workout classes.  Where as that might be a little awkward to some, I embrace it and let them cheer me on as I sweat it out!

Hopefully May will continue to be a good month.  I really want to reach my 40 lb goal by the end of the month!  Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting me, and thank you for all your kind words of love and encouragement!

WEIGHT LOSS THIS MONTH: 6 lbs

OVERALL WEIGHT LOSS: 32 lbs

GOAL FOR MAY: 8 lbs (overall 40)

I don't usually take pictures of myself.  I had a hard time finding a "before" pic that showed how heavy I felt before this journey.  The picture on the left is from my sister's wedding in October.  The picture on the right is one I snapped before prom a week ago.  I think I can finally see a little bit of a difference! 

10 Years

I'll never forget the sky that night.  It was this remarkable painting of oranges, pinks, purples, and golds.  The kind of sky that only God can be responsible for.  I sat in the driver's seat of my car and looked up in wonder.  Tears brimming my eyes, I knew that I had just said goodbye to my cousin.

Before my sister was born, I was the "baby" of my mom's side of the family.  My two older cousins were both 10+ years older than me.  I was so fascinated by them and their teenage lives.  Melissa, my oldest cousin, had already gone to college by the time I had sleepovers at my aunt's house.  I knew the bedroom at the end of the hall was her room.  She was away at Western Carolina finishing her degree in elementary education.  My year as a first grader was her first year as a first grade teacher.  I remember visiting her classroom and thinking that it would be "cool" to be like her when I grew up.

Melissa had a wicked sense of humor.  We would cut up and make each other laugh whenever we were together.  She gave me my first babysitting job and always treated me like an adult - which I adored.  She let me come swim in her family's pool during the summer.  Sitting under the umbrella'ed table, I remember smiling as she told me stories about growing up with my other cousin and my aunt.

Her diagnosis was a huge blow to our family.  Cancer isn't suppose to happen to young mothers who just finished their master's degree.  Cancer isn't suppose to wreck the body of a woman in her third decade of life.  Cancer isn't suppose to happen period, but certainly not to someone as young and vivacious as my cousin.

There were rounds of treatments, lots of doctor's opinions, and the overall impression that she would make it through this.  By the time I left for college in the late summer of 2004, the prognosis had taken a grim turn.

During that first semester of college, I remember coming home one weekend and going over to see her.  She was lying in bed when I dropped by.  She weakly woke up and smiled.  Trying to have a conversation, I was shocked by how small she looked.  At that point, she had to have oxygen and the whole set up just devastated me.  To see someone who had only two years before been so full of life...I couldn't quite comprehend the situation.

I don't think I quite realized that we were spending the "lasts" with her.  The last birthday or last Christmas as a complete family.  I didn't know she wouldn't see me graduate college or have my first classroom.  I didn't know then that I wouldn't get to come home and tell her all the funny stories that teaching had given me.  I didn't know...or perhaps, I just didn't want to know.

On April 14th, 2005, I received a call from my mom that things had taken a turn for the worse and that I should come home.  I cried and paced and hollered so loud that my dorm hall neighbor came by to check on me.  I was lost.  My friend Kelly met me at UNCG and quickly helped me pack my car to go home.  She kept on asking if she should drive, but I stubbornly said no.  I just needed to get home.

I dropped Kelly off and quickly went to the hospital...dread and anticipation creeping up in my throat.  Climbing the floors in that elevator, a quiet calm had taken over my body.  I walked down the hall to her room.  There were all sorts of people fluttering around.  My mom hugged me and said that I should go in and speak to her. She looked so frail and small in the bed.  I tried to brightly say hello, and she quietly thanked me for coming.  I answered that of course I would have come.  We exchanged, "Love you's" and I weakly smiled and backed out of the room.  I couldn't handle the look of everyone's faces.  They all knew...we all knew.

Sitting in my car that night, I was shell shocked that this was happening.  When my dad came in the kitchen to tell me she had passed away, I just shrugged my shoulders and nodded in acceptance.  There was a chill numb that came over me and stayed for several hours.

It took me a long time to come to terms with her death.  It took me a really long time to forgive God.  I was angry at Him for a long time.  Peace didn't come for several months and even after that, it was still hard.  Family Christmas was weird for several years after that...only in the recent years have they returned to some sense of normal.

Ten years later, I still think about her often.  I will occasionally dream about her smile.  I think about her every time I see an evening sky that takes my breath.  I think about her every time I see her children and how grown up they are. I know she's laughing and having a ball in heaven.  Breathing with new life and a renewed body.

I hope that she knows how much I love her and miss her.  Life isn't the same.  But, how can it be after a loss like that?

The grace in all of this is that I've learned not to take life for granted - cliched as that sounds.  It's true though.

I will forever remember her smile, her love of her kids and family, and her devotion to education - which I try to honor in her memory every day.

I can't wait to see you again, my sweet cousin.

Melissa Seitz Copeland
1969-2005

Weight Check In #3

As of yesterday, I've been on this health journey for three months...and some days, it feels more like three years.  However, I've been overwhelmed with love and support.  For that, I am so thankful.  I am encompassed with kind words of encouragement and letters/texts with confidence boosters.  I couldn't do this without my incredible circle of support.

I didn't quite reach my 8 lb goal this month, which frustrates me, but I'm trying to channel that frustration into determination.  This month, I'm going to set my goal at 6 lbs and hope for more like 8 lbs.

Quick notes from the third month:

• I've been a little more adventurous in my workout routine.  I've tried a couple classes that I would have been terrified of before!  I took at "Cardio Interval" class where I thought I might die.  Then, I took a "Butts and Guts" class and was positive I was going to die.  BUT, I did not.  Good news, people.  I still LOVE yoga and Zumba.  I go to each of those once a week and really enjoy it.  I've also done the elliptical/treadmill thing...I just get so bored!  I prefer classes way more than just stationary machines.  
• I've been SLIGHTLY more adventurous with eating and trying things.  Still enjoy a salad with chicken at lunch and chicken breast is a staple most weeks.  
• CHEAT MEAL IS LIFE.  I was cautious when I talked about cheat meals with my cousin...personal trainer...life coach.  When you've been addicted to food, you worry about not just falling off the wagon, but jumping off and getting trampled.  However, I've learned not to go crazy, but enjoy the treats that accompany cheat day.  I will say, sometimes it is NOT worth it.  There have been a couple Saturdays where my stomach rebelled against the treats and retaliated in a not-so-kind way.
• I'm still frustrated that I haven't gone down a pants size, my hips are holding strong.  UGH.
• However, it has been nice for other clothes to feel loose.  That's super duper nice.
• Anxiety is still a staple in my weight life.  "Is this going to make me gain all my weight back?"  "Should I eat this?"  "Do they see a difference?" "Am I working out enough?" "Will I ever fit into those jeans?"  So on and so forth.  I'm trying to squish the thoughts with positivity, but sometimes they win.  I just try to close my ears to those little buggers and not listen so closely.
• One of the greatest accomplishments was crossing the finish line in my first 5K.  Now, I certainly did not run it, but I briskly walked and was happy I made it through and that was great for me!

WEIGHT LOSS FOR MONTH - 4 lbs

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS (3 months) - 26 lbs

GOAL FOR MONTH - 6 lbs (32 lbs)

Month 2 Weigh In

First of all, I really can't express my sincerest gratitude for all of the comments, likes, and love that all of you have left on Facebook and the blog.  It means more than you know.  The support, prayers, and positive thinking is what is getting me through this sometimes frustrating journey.

With all the being said, month 2 is in the books!!  I didn't quite reach my goal of 14 lbs lost, but I'm not quite at 10 weeks.  I decided just to focus on 2 months.  I am (in total) 22 lbs down!  It's still just a chip in the whole block of weight, but it's definitely a start.

THE GOOD - 

• I'm still enjoying going to the YMCA.  I am only logging in 2-3 times a week, which I would like to be more, but it's still better than nothing!
• I took my first yoga class a couple weeks ago.  Yesterday, I did my 3rd class and it still is extremely challenging!  I feel limbs stretching that haven't been stretched in a very long time!  I used to think I was really limber...full disclosure, I might have been 6....but, at 28, I am not so much anymore!  
• I'm getting more adventurous in the food category!  I'm making more and trying different recipes.  Some have gone over really well, some have not.  I'm enjoying making and testing foods.  My recent favorite (thanks to my aunt, Angie) is this lime cilantro vinaigrette.  I am a HUGE fan of cilantro, so this was right up my alley.  I've eaten with my salad for the past two days and can't get enough!!
• Smoothies are delicious.  I am NOT a morning person (just ask my mom), so it's hard for me to want to get up early and make breakfast.  Smoothies have helped this problem.  My favorite is a simple strawberry/banana smoothie (with Greek yogurt and Almond Milk), but I've tried a couple other recipes.  I've gotten making it down to an art!
• Some of my clothes are fitting a little better!  A lot of people ask, "Can you tell in your clothes?"  A great question and one of the things I want desperately.  And overall, meh, not a super huge amount.  Clothes are more comfortable...and that is nice :)
• Food Favorites: Dasani Lemon Sparkling Water (mmm), La Croix Orange, cilantro, chicken over spinach and feta, smoothies, baked potatoes, fresh fruit (strawberries, grapes, and apples are my faves), Essential Chocolate Drink (for bfast), mushroom pita pizza (another thanks to Angie for this amazing recipe). 

THE BAD - 

• There's no sugar coating it (both literally and figuratively), dieting sometimes sucks.  Working out sucks.  Thinking CONSTANTLY about what I am putting in my mouth sucks.  Not seeing results every week sucks.  I have to keep myself focused and positive to outweigh these sucky things!!
• Addiction - I strongly believe that eating is an addiction.  Just like alcohol, cigarettes, running, or anything else, eating overtakes you.  It was a struggle to not stop at McDonald's when I passed it the other day.  It was a struggle not to lick the bowl of icing that I made for my cake class.  It was a BIG struggle to give up my daily sodas.  My body so desperately wanted it.  Not just my body, but my mind.  It was an internal struggle to say no.  To tell myself I didn't need it.  And in all honesty, sometimes the addiction won.  Not many times, but sometimes.  It's hard.  It's a process. It's an uphill battle.
• Social Media - I have been a member of Facebook since its first year in 2004 (yea, I'm old).  As soon as Instagram was available for Droids (which I had at the time), I was all over it like cake.  And I still love it.  However, it can also be a place where I feel shame and unworthiness.  Seeing skinny people in clothes that are beautiful is hard.  Seeing someone talk about exercise and loving it is hard.  I don't feel skinny and I sure as hell don't love to exercise.  I've had to do a lot of reflection and realization with this.   Understanding that I can't compare myself to others.  I can't constantly look at others and think it's how I'm suppose to be.  It is ridiculous.  But, it's hard.

THE UGLY - 

• MENTAL GAME - just like anything else, dieting and exercising are both mental games.  Learning to enjoy healthy foods and exercise is a challenge I constantly face.  I'm hard on myself.  I've had to learn to give myself a break when I don't see the pounds come off as fast as I want them to.  
• HOLY MONEY! - I mentioned this before, but eating healthy is hella expensive.  I mean, dang!  The other night I went in the store and bought cilantro, cheese, organic milk, sparkling water, and something I can't think of right now, and it was over $30!!  Blargh.

The good always outweighs the bad and the ugly.  It's all trial and error at this point.  Giving myself a cheat day has helped MAJORLY.  I'm anticipating warmer weather so I can mix up the YMCA with walking.  Not weighing on Monday morning is really helpful (as my friend, Kelly, pointed out).  The best part of all this is getting to really understand food.  The good, bad, and ugly of it.  It's hard work for me to eat healthy.  I know there are people who love it, who enjoy it, who have found their niche with it, but I am still learning.

Thanks again for the support and love!  Please let me know if you have any favorite recipes for a super picky eater trying to eat healthy or any great blogs with recipes!  A HUGE thanks again to my amazingly awesome, wonderful, patient cousin, Leah.  Couldn't do it without you!!

WEIGHT LOSS FOR MONTH 2 : 8 lbs

TOTAL WEIGHT LOSS (2 MONTHS IN): 22 lbs

GOAL FOR MONTH 3: 8 lbs (total of 30 lbs)

Big 'Ole Photo Dump...Catching up (Late Jan and February)

I seriously have no excuses for not blogging since I was out ALL of last week with snow.  Elsa and I are going to have some words.  I'm all for snow and no school, but not when it messes with my spring and summer breaks!  I'm trying to be GRATEFUL and enjoy the rest that all this snow and weird weather is awarding me, so I will not complain.

With all that said, I am going to try to catch everything up in the next few days, and I'm starting with the blog!  I have a couple posts I'm still editing, but until they get wrapped up, here is my past month in pics!

Weekend in Winston

I was able to spend the weekend with my friend, Carrie.  We hung out, snuggled with her pups, and ate some yummy food with Caro!

Superbowl

My friend, Lexie, hosted a Superbowl party.  It was a lot of fun!  I also got to see one of my former students, Emily!  She was in one of the classes I student taught eight years ago!!  She happens to be a good friend of Lexie's, so it was great to be able to see her and catch up!

Cake Decorating Class

I am LOVING my cake decorating class!!  I'm learning lots and having a ton of fun.  I've baked 3 cakes (the one above was the first), and I feel like I'm getting better with each one!

Hair with Hannah

It is a precious thing to see how your students thrive and succeed in their post high school life.  I taught Hannah my second and third year of teaching.  I love this girl!  She's so full of life and is always a joy to visit with!  She also happens to be a skilled hair stylist!  I was feeling bored with my hair, so I set up an appointment with Hannah on a whim.  She fit me in and we were able to chat and catch up!  We treated ourselves to a little mani/pedi when she finished up!

Steven and Katy's Gender Reveal!

I was SOOOO excited to make a quick trip home and find out what my cousin, Katy, was having!  She is pregnant with her third child, and I was SURE it was going to be another girl (she already has two adorably precious daughters).  I was right!  I wish I had gotten a pic with Katy and her cute little bump!  Above is Katy's oldest daughter and Leah, my cousin (and Katy's sister).

Valentine's Day Weekend

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't really looking forward to Valentine's Day.  Rarely do I look forward to this mushy, sentimental, Hallmark holiday.  With all that in mind, I decided to babysit for my friends Kelly and Matt.  However, we ended up having a friend weekend!  Caro and Carrie came for the weekend.  It was so much fun!  We snuggled with Wyatt, I made my second cake, we enjoyed a delicious lunch and dinner, and played Cards Against Humanity.  I am thankful for precious friends who make me feel loved!

Drummer Boy

I love this set of pics!  Thad LOVES playing his dad's drums!  He makes a TON of noise and has the best smile as he does it :)

On the Sunday after Valentine's, I helped my brother-in-law out with babysitting while he took my sister on a surprise date!  I always enjoy my Thad time, so I was more than happy to help.

Cake #3

After a week of almost going stir crazy with cabin fever, I was able to make a cake on Thursday.  A wonderful colleague (who teaches at the high school across town) was leaving to pursue another career, so I baked a cake for the occasion. 

Lent and Gratitude 

I struggle every year with trying to figure out what I want to do for Lent.  It is such a special season and has always been an important time for my spiritual community.  Because of giving up a lot for my diet, I wanted to take on something instead.  I decided to keep a daily "gratitude" journal.  I force myself to really think about the random daily things that happen.  The little things that occur spontaneously that leave my heart happy and thankful.  It's really been a great reflection piece to add to my nightly "quiet time".

Dog Sitting (and visiting the Steven's)

My sis and brother-in-law asked me to watch their dog, Lois Lane, while they visited family.  I was happy to do it.  I got their a little early so I can visit with Meg and Thad.  We enjoyed lunch and ran some errands.  Love this kid!

Evidently, the snow is not over.  We are expecting somewhere around 5 inches tonight here in northern NC.  I am just going with the flow at this point!  Got a big ole check list and plan on marking some things off!  Hope everyone stays warm!!