A Letter

As I wrap up the last few weeks in my 20's, I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned these past 10 years.  What I would change.  What I enjoyed.  What I wish I had known.  What follows is a letter to the younger version of myself.  Now to find a time machine to actually give it to that girl.

Dear 20 year old Coley,

Ah, youth.  You're so young, but you feel like you're not.  You feel lost and confused and not sure where your life is going.  You know that you want to teach.  You are feeling slightly more confidant in your college career...a lot better than this time last year.  It will take another semester for you to really like it.  You're going to live with Em and Carrie next year and you will finally, finally love where you live during college.

This past year was hard.  The last couple of years in your teens were really hard.  Losing yourself.  Trying to find yourself again.  Learning how to swim in the dark waters of depression and anxiety.  Losing your cousin.  Seeing your family grapple with that loss.  It was hard.  It's still hard.  But, coming from the other side of this decade, you get through it.  You learn to cope.  You learn what you need to help you.  I wish you had known that sooner.

Your 20's are going to be full of ups and downs and all arounds.  Sometimes it'll feel like you're on a rollercoaster that doesn't stop.  You'll feel those nerves as it climbs the hill and the deep fear as it reaches and goes over.  You'll graduate from college and have your heart set on moving back home.  This won't happen.  And your heart will be sad.  But, don't freeze up.  Listen to the sage of the people around you.  Don't be afraid to venture out.  There will be people who come into your life and change it forever...and that never would have happened if you didn't take a chance on moving to some tiny town you had never heard of.

Teaching.  Man, what a crazy ride.  You'll love it, truly.  However, it might take you some time to get to that point of love.  And that. is. okay.  Do you hear me?  You DO. NOT. HAVE. TO. BE. PERFECT.  I can tell you (my past self) and me (my present self) this til I'm blue in the face and ultimately, I don't think I will listen, but it is true.  You can only be yourself.  That's all.  Please, please learn that doing that is enough.

Listen (please), don't be too hard on yourself.  Treat your body with more care.  Learn to exercise and enjoy it.  I wish that I could tell you we are at our "goal size", we're not.  However, that is one thing I wish I could go back and change.  Learning to love YOU will take years...I don't think even I'm there yet.  I hope if I write a letter to my 30 year old self, that will actually be a reality.

Enjoy this life.  Enjoy traveling every chance you get.  It'll eat up your bank account, but you're going to see some cool places.  Take your passport to Mexico.  Splash in the ocean.  Jump in the deep end.  Don't worry about what people think.  Take lots of pictures (and don't wait so long to put them in albums).  Do things that scare you.  Those times make the best memories.  Stay up late walking through San Francisco.  Take in the sights of New York City.  Breathe in the salty air of the coast.  Step back and enjoy this beautiful world that God has made.

Your friends will be your lifeline.  They will pick you and your broken pieces up off the floor so many times.  They will hold you when you're falling apart.  They will cheer you up when you feel so down.  They will be the ones who convince you that life is joyous and full of laughter.  You will be in their weddings and hold their babies.  You will laugh and cry and smile and share a huge mix of emotions.  Enjoy every second with them.  And when you go to Nashville, please try to enjoy it.  It's going to be hot.  And y'all will get on each other's nerves, but it'll be okay.  The stories you tell later will make you all laugh.

Here's something I want you to do.  Go visit Granny every single chance you get.  Call her, visit her, talk to her, hug her, and just be there with her.  You think right now she is invincible, and I know it seems that way.  You'll learn that she isn't.  The pain that comes with that realization is terrible.  It will hurt you and break your heart in a million pieces.  Just be there.  Hold her hands and watch her cook.  Rest your head on her shoulder and ask her to tell you stories.  Just take her in and love her and soak her up in every morsel of your memory.

Your family will have lots of surprises.  Most are lovely, happy, sweet surprises that will open your heart up in ways you never knew.  Know that life holds lots of changes, but change is good.  Change is how you know you and those around you are alive.  Enjoy every holiday, every Sunday lunch, every chance you get to visit and talk with Megan.  She is going to give you the best gift ever when she gives birth to Thaddeus.  He is this bright, beaming light in your life.

Life goes on.  Don't worry so much about what other people think, but rather think about what makes you happy.  There will be lots of moves and upsets, but you'll learn and grow from each.  Laugh with your friends.  Talk to your family.  Ask lots of questions.  Try to learn from each student you teach.  Be present in the moment.

With love,
An ALMOST 30 year old Coley