Disclaimer: I have never climbed a mountain...I kind of doubt that I ever will. This is just a mere comparison, so I hope I don't offend anyone who has climbed a mountain - I'm sure it's way more intense. Really, this is my anxiety kicking in and don't want to offend anyone.
As many English majors do, I tend to make comparisons/analogies to help explain my feelings and current state of being/mind. As I was testing a group of kids the other day, I realized that teaching is kind of like climbing a really big mountain.
Let me explain.
At the peak of this glorious, beautiful mountain is a spot of beauty called "Retirement" and "The Land of Grateful, Well-Taught Students". It takes many years to reach this important milestone and the journey is long, hard, and treacherous. I think I might have frostbite.
For seven years, I was climbing the mountain pretty steadily. A rough wind here, some rain there, but overall, making good progress. I even hit some awesome posts. Taught an AP class, worked as department chair and county lead teacher for English, sponsored a club, and attended wonderful conference/workshops. The views were breathtaking and there were even a few moments where I felt "on top of the world".
But, as I was traveling up the mountain, I got a little too comfortable with the trek. I kept on pondering, "Is there another route that might challenge me in a different way?" Ever the anxious traveller, I pushed these thoughts aside for a few years and continued my journey on the path I knew well.
I came to a standstill. Two routes were suddenly displayed. One, my current path, was what I was comfortable with and knew. The other was a new. One that looked more challenging. There would be many more obstacles if I chose that one, but the view would be new...and maybe even more rewarding.
I was surprised when my mind didn't hesitate to head toward the new path. I was shocked that I was so confident in this decision. Part of me wanted to say, "Stop! That looks way too different and harder! Why don't we just stay on this path that we know, this path that offers comfort and stability?"
Alas, I chose the new trek. And, in the beginning, it was nice. New views, new people greeted me on the way, offering their hands in support. A few branches here and there to avoid, but overall, I thought, "Ok, this is going to be good!"
Then I hit a snag. While traveling up the mountain this semester, I seemed to have hit some rough patches. It seemed as though all the progress I had made over the past years had been erased. I was suddenly pushed off the mountain and thrust back to where I started on the path.
Year one. All over again.
All the sudden, the path was filled with new obstacles, unfamiliar territory, and a path that wasn't so clear. It was frustrating to feel like all my previous work from the past 7 years would have to be re-established and refreshed.
At different points during last semester, I wanted off the mountain all together. I was so frustrated that I couldn't navigate this route as well as I used to. I was angry at myself and felt like I wasn't cut out for this profession. Teaching is a job that, for some, really messes with your self esteem. A lot of teachers are able to overcome this and not be bothered by it, but for someone like me, who has anxiety issues and the confidence of a fish in a sea of sharks...it can be rough.
Nonetheless, I trudged on. I would not turn back and be defeated. There were times where I felt like I was simply crawling up the mountain. Knees skinned, hands raw, feet blistered...but I continued on. You have to.
Luckily for me, I had an entourage of supporters at school, friends, and family who bandaged my wounds, lifted me up when I fell, and encouraged me to go on.
I know this sounds dramatic, and I want to assure you that it really has nothing to do with my school, my colleagues, my administration, or the students I taught. My journey was tough because I wasn't sure of how to climb this new trail. I didn't know where to go...and sometimes I was afraid to ask for help...or too proud.
Here's the thing...obviously I'm no where near the top. I'm still struggling on this path I'm on. But at the end of the semester, I felt like I had conquered something really big. I completed a path that wasn't "the easy route". I went out of my comfort zone and tried new things. It was hard and scary and frustrating, but I did it.
I know that this path will continue to have bumps and rough patches. I think it would have even if I had stayed at my old school. The state of education (especially in NC) is a rough mountain to be on no matter where your path is. But we mountain climbers (teachers, administrators, assistants, etc) trudge on and continue to climb. We know that the students we help bolster on their own journeys make ours worthwhile. When we help a kid reach their potential, cross their finish lines, reach the peaks of their mountains...it makes our steep climb worth it.
So I will keep on climbing.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
ReGrouping...30 before 30
Almost a year ago I wrote a post entitled "The Thirty before Thirty List". Around this time, I had decided (with the big 3-0 looming over my head) to complete several things that had always been nagging me. I have adjusted and maneuvered and switched a little from the original list, but tried to keep the "big" things.
I have just a little under 5 months to complete all of these things! Some are just a continuation of thing things I've started, some are finished, and some will probably be finished right on the cusp of me turning 30.
Here's the list (a few stories with it). I put it in order of the things I've done, things I'm in the middle of, and things that I haven't gotten to yet.
1. Participate in a 5k - CHECK!
I ran the Color Run back in March (2015) with my cousin's wife, Kelsey. It was a little messy, but A LOT of fun! I was sooooo happy when I finished. Even though I didn't really run, I walked briskly and jogged. It really is a great race - I recommend to anyone who just wants to have some fun, get some good exercise, and doesn't mind coming out of the race looking like a colorful powder ball.
2. Visit and Explore NYC - CHECK!
This past summer, I traveled up north to visit my friend Courtney, who lives in Philly. One of my best friends, Caro came with me and we decided to make a roadtrip out of it! After DC, and Philly, we ended up in NY. SO MUCH FUN. I loved it. We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, had "real Brooklyn" pizza, walked through Central Park (side note - I was also able to stand in Strawberry Fields and it was magical), visited the Statue of Liberty, and walked around Ellis Island. We saw the whole city on "top of the rock" at Rockefeller Center. Another stand out was visiting the 9/11 Memorial Museum - one of the most powerful places I've ever been to.
3. See a Play on Broadway in NYC - CHECK!
Caroline and I knew we wanted to go see a play while we were in the city. After looking through several options of shows playing, we decided to see Jim Parsons in "Act of God" - it was hilarious. Parsons plays God and goes through some history and current events. He was spot on and hilarious. It left me thinking and pondering about life. Highly recommend if you ever get the chance to see it!
4. Watch the Sun Rise over the Ocean - CHECK!
I went to the beach in June with my family and woke up early on a couple different mornings to catch the beautiful sunrises that are somehow extra magnificent over the Outer Banks. Watching the day come to life, while listening to the soft waves makes for a magical moment. The closest I feel to God is when I'm sitting in the morning and watching Him paint the sky. Seeing which colors will show up and which shades will be used. The sound of the morning, the smell of the sea, the sight of the sky and ocean...it's pure magic.
5. Get Rid of THREE BIG BAGS of Clothes, Crap, and Random - CHECK!
I moved earlier this year from a house that I had been in for 4 years. I knew I had accumulated a lot of stuff, but holy crap. I swear my stuff up in the upstairs bonus room had mated and made little piles of new crap. I went through and piled and threw and got it all into 3 huge bags.
(Note: no picture because, I mean...piles of clothes and bags...)
6. Explore DC: Museums and Monuments - CHECK!
The first stop on the "2015 Summer Roadtrip" was DC. Caroline lived in DC for a year right after college, so it was really nice to have someone who "knew the ropes". We walked all around DC, saw all the monuments, toured museums (Holocaust Museum is another place I'll never forget), and enjoyed the city!
7 & 8. Take a Zumba AND Yoga Class - CHECK and CHECK!
One of the best things I did in 2015 was join the YMCA. I was terrified at first, but ended up really enjoying the experience. This was mainly because of taking these two classes. For most of February, March, and April, I went to both of these classes each week. LOVED them. It is something I never really saw myself doing, but totally embraced and enjoyed it!
(Again, sorry no picture of me sweating and looking rough)
9. Attend THREE Awesome Concerts! - CHECK!
Because 30 might be a little too ambitious. In 2015, I saw Shania Twain, Lady Antebellum, and Chase Rice in concert...not all together, though that would be an epic show! All were fantastic - especially Shania...took me straight back to 1999 and singing "Honey I'm Home" in my childhood bedroom.
10. Get a TATTOO - CHECK!
Already wrote about this in a previous post, but this the first thing I did off the list. I still love it and have absolutely no regrets about getting my tattoo. Not sure if I'll get another one...it took me almost 30 years to decide on this one...but, you never know :)
11. Take a Creative Class and Learn a New Skill - CHECK!
In February, I took a Wilton Cake Class and ended up taking another course as well in May. It was so much fun! I had a little experience before going in, but learned a lot of other techniques and skills. I've since made several cakes for family and friends. Definitely a skill that I will continue to use.
12. Make a MOVE (cities and jobs) - CHECK!
This was probably the BIGGEST thing I checked off the list. In June, I accepted a new teaching position and then in August, I officially moved to Winston Salem. It was a huge decision, probably the biggest I've made since leaving college. Lots of ups and downs, but that goes with the territory of change!
13. Take a Multi-State Roadtrip - CHECK!
This was mentioned in two previous list items! In July, Caro and I drove up to DC - explored for a couple days; hopped on a bus for Philly - explored for a couple days; hopped on another bus for NYC - explored for a couple days; hopped on yet another bus back to DC and then finally drove home!! It was a ton of fun, I saw a ton of places I'd always wanted to see, AND Caro and I survived each other (which is a good thing because it was kind of a trial run to see if the whole roommate thing was going to work out...).
14. Host a Dinner Party - CHECK!
I wasn't sure when or how I was going to do this, but it presented itself when several of my students were graduating last June. I had about 12 of my students who were graduating over for dinner. I was a little nervous about cooking for that many people, but a few of my sweet girls came over early and helped. It was a ton of fun and turned out really well!!
15. Bake, Decorate, and Present Cakes - CHECK!
This piggybacks off of my "learn a new skill" entry. Again, had a lot of fun with this last year. My two favorite cakes were for two of my favorite little men's birthday parties. I did a "jungle" cake for Thad's 2nd birthday and a "monkey" teal/red one for Wyatt's 1st birthday! I think they turned out cute!
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16. Take a Solo Weekend Trip
17. Bake a Cheesecake
18. Finish 2010 Personal Journal
19. Sing at a Karaoke Bar
20. Run (at least jog) a Mile
21. Hike a Scenic Trail
22. Visit a Psychic
23. Take a Salsa Dancing Class
24. Go off Facebook for 30 Days (March)
25. Lose 30 lbs (from 1/2016 to 5/2016)
26. Complete a 30 Day Photo Challenge (April)
27. Complete 30 Blog Entries (from 1/2016 to Bday)
28. (Finish) 30 Notes of Gratitude
29. (Continue to) Read and FINISH 30 Novels (begin 1/2015 to end of May)
*At the end of 2015, I'm at 16 - I'm only counting NEW books I've never read. I re-read books all the time for school and memory sake, but wanted to keep this list for "fresh" books*
30. CELEBRATE my 30th in VEGAS
I have just a little under 5 months to complete all of these things! Some are just a continuation of thing things I've started, some are finished, and some will probably be finished right on the cusp of me turning 30.
Here's the list (a few stories with it). I put it in order of the things I've done, things I'm in the middle of, and things that I haven't gotten to yet.
1. Participate in a 5k - CHECK!
I ran the Color Run back in March (2015) with my cousin's wife, Kelsey. It was a little messy, but A LOT of fun! I was sooooo happy when I finished. Even though I didn't really run, I walked briskly and jogged. It really is a great race - I recommend to anyone who just wants to have some fun, get some good exercise, and doesn't mind coming out of the race looking like a colorful powder ball.
2. Visit and Explore NYC - CHECK!
This past summer, I traveled up north to visit my friend Courtney, who lives in Philly. One of my best friends, Caro came with me and we decided to make a roadtrip out of it! After DC, and Philly, we ended up in NY. SO MUCH FUN. I loved it. We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, had "real Brooklyn" pizza, walked through Central Park (side note - I was also able to stand in Strawberry Fields and it was magical), visited the Statue of Liberty, and walked around Ellis Island. We saw the whole city on "top of the rock" at Rockefeller Center. Another stand out was visiting the 9/11 Memorial Museum - one of the most powerful places I've ever been to.
3. See a Play on Broadway in NYC - CHECK!
Caroline and I knew we wanted to go see a play while we were in the city. After looking through several options of shows playing, we decided to see Jim Parsons in "Act of God" - it was hilarious. Parsons plays God and goes through some history and current events. He was spot on and hilarious. It left me thinking and pondering about life. Highly recommend if you ever get the chance to see it!
4. Watch the Sun Rise over the Ocean - CHECK!
I went to the beach in June with my family and woke up early on a couple different mornings to catch the beautiful sunrises that are somehow extra magnificent over the Outer Banks. Watching the day come to life, while listening to the soft waves makes for a magical moment. The closest I feel to God is when I'm sitting in the morning and watching Him paint the sky. Seeing which colors will show up and which shades will be used. The sound of the morning, the smell of the sea, the sight of the sky and ocean...it's pure magic.
5. Get Rid of THREE BIG BAGS of Clothes, Crap, and Random - CHECK!
I moved earlier this year from a house that I had been in for 4 years. I knew I had accumulated a lot of stuff, but holy crap. I swear my stuff up in the upstairs bonus room had mated and made little piles of new crap. I went through and piled and threw and got it all into 3 huge bags.
(Note: no picture because, I mean...piles of clothes and bags...)
6. Explore DC: Museums and Monuments - CHECK!
The first stop on the "2015 Summer Roadtrip" was DC. Caroline lived in DC for a year right after college, so it was really nice to have someone who "knew the ropes". We walked all around DC, saw all the monuments, toured museums (Holocaust Museum is another place I'll never forget), and enjoyed the city!
7 & 8. Take a Zumba AND Yoga Class - CHECK and CHECK!
One of the best things I did in 2015 was join the YMCA. I was terrified at first, but ended up really enjoying the experience. This was mainly because of taking these two classes. For most of February, March, and April, I went to both of these classes each week. LOVED them. It is something I never really saw myself doing, but totally embraced and enjoyed it!
(Again, sorry no picture of me sweating and looking rough)
9. Attend THREE Awesome Concerts! - CHECK!
Because 30 might be a little too ambitious. In 2015, I saw Shania Twain, Lady Antebellum, and Chase Rice in concert...not all together, though that would be an epic show! All were fantastic - especially Shania...took me straight back to 1999 and singing "Honey I'm Home" in my childhood bedroom.
(Mom, me, and Meg at the Shania Twain concert)
10. Get a TATTOO - CHECK!
Already wrote about this in a previous post, but this the first thing I did off the list. I still love it and have absolutely no regrets about getting my tattoo. Not sure if I'll get another one...it took me almost 30 years to decide on this one...but, you never know :)
11. Take a Creative Class and Learn a New Skill - CHECK!
In February, I took a Wilton Cake Class and ended up taking another course as well in May. It was so much fun! I had a little experience before going in, but learned a lot of other techniques and skills. I've since made several cakes for family and friends. Definitely a skill that I will continue to use.
12. Make a MOVE (cities and jobs) - CHECK!
This was probably the BIGGEST thing I checked off the list. In June, I accepted a new teaching position and then in August, I officially moved to Winston Salem. It was a huge decision, probably the biggest I've made since leaving college. Lots of ups and downs, but that goes with the territory of change!
13. Take a Multi-State Roadtrip - CHECK!
This was mentioned in two previous list items! In July, Caro and I drove up to DC - explored for a couple days; hopped on a bus for Philly - explored for a couple days; hopped on another bus for NYC - explored for a couple days; hopped on yet another bus back to DC and then finally drove home!! It was a ton of fun, I saw a ton of places I'd always wanted to see, AND Caro and I survived each other (which is a good thing because it was kind of a trial run to see if the whole roommate thing was going to work out...).
14. Host a Dinner Party - CHECK!
I wasn't sure when or how I was going to do this, but it presented itself when several of my students were graduating last June. I had about 12 of my students who were graduating over for dinner. I was a little nervous about cooking for that many people, but a few of my sweet girls came over early and helped. It was a ton of fun and turned out really well!!
15. Bake, Decorate, and Present Cakes - CHECK!
This piggybacks off of my "learn a new skill" entry. Again, had a lot of fun with this last year. My two favorite cakes were for two of my favorite little men's birthday parties. I did a "jungle" cake for Thad's 2nd birthday and a "monkey" teal/red one for Wyatt's 1st birthday! I think they turned out cute!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
16. Take a Solo Weekend Trip
17. Bake a Cheesecake
18. Finish 2010 Personal Journal
19. Sing at a Karaoke Bar
20. Run (at least jog) a Mile
21. Hike a Scenic Trail
22. Visit a Psychic
23. Take a Salsa Dancing Class
24. Go off Facebook for 30 Days (March)
25. Lose 30 lbs (from 1/2016 to 5/2016)
26. Complete a 30 Day Photo Challenge (April)
27. Complete 30 Blog Entries (from 1/2016 to Bday)
28. (Finish) 30 Notes of Gratitude
29. (Continue to) Read and FINISH 30 Novels (begin 1/2015 to end of May)
*At the end of 2015, I'm at 16 - I'm only counting NEW books I've never read. I re-read books all the time for school and memory sake, but wanted to keep this list for "fresh" books*
30. CELEBRATE my 30th in VEGAS
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Reflections on Two Weeks
I'm sitting here in my classroom...exhausted...and thought I would write while I'm in the "zone".
The past two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I've cried, laughed, yelled, questioned my sanity, and have felt tested in new ways. I knew going into this new job that there would be aspects that would be hard. I knew I would miss Rockingham. I knew I would miss my kids at Rockingham. I don't think I realized how much I would miss both of them. It's hard being "the new kid". You have no "cred" and you have to reestablish yourself in lots of ways. Not that I'm not up for the challenge, but whew, it's been a lot harder than I expected.
There's always a but...
But, I have learned SO much. One of the main reasons I decided to leave and start fresh was that I felt I had grown as much as I could at Rockingham. I'm so thankful for those years, and I wouldn't take them back for the world, but I had reached a point where I knew it was time to challenge myself again.
Today, finally, after about 10 days, I really felt like I connected with my students. They are loud and they are needy and they are frustrating, but man, I think I love them. Letting myself get over Rockingham and open myself up to new experiences has been the most rewarding thing about this. I've met so many wonderful new people. I'm teaching with two of my best friends. I'm learning so much about teaching, lesson planning, and myself.
Growing and learning...every.single.day...
**Note: Just found this in my draft list and decided to go ahead and post it...it's a little bit encouraging after writing my latest post.**
The past two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I've cried, laughed, yelled, questioned my sanity, and have felt tested in new ways. I knew going into this new job that there would be aspects that would be hard. I knew I would miss Rockingham. I knew I would miss my kids at Rockingham. I don't think I realized how much I would miss both of them. It's hard being "the new kid". You have no "cred" and you have to reestablish yourself in lots of ways. Not that I'm not up for the challenge, but whew, it's been a lot harder than I expected.
There's always a but...
But, I have learned SO much. One of the main reasons I decided to leave and start fresh was that I felt I had grown as much as I could at Rockingham. I'm so thankful for those years, and I wouldn't take them back for the world, but I had reached a point where I knew it was time to challenge myself again.
Today, finally, after about 10 days, I really felt like I connected with my students. They are loud and they are needy and they are frustrating, but man, I think I love them. Letting myself get over Rockingham and open myself up to new experiences has been the most rewarding thing about this. I've met so many wonderful new people. I'm teaching with two of my best friends. I'm learning so much about teaching, lesson planning, and myself.
Growing and learning...every.single.day...
**Note: Just found this in my draft list and decided to go ahead and post it...it's a little bit encouraging after writing my latest post.**
Current Life...A Pros and Cons Edition
*tap* *tap* Is this thing on?
It's been awhile since I posted and wrote an update on my blog. I've been trying to stay afloat with life changes and new jobs and general life stuff. Here are some pros and cons of life right now.
PROS:
It's been awhile since I posted and wrote an update on my blog. I've been trying to stay afloat with life changes and new jobs and general life stuff. Here are some pros and cons of life right now.
PROS:
- I am really loving Winston Salem. I like living in a place that definitely has the city feel, but then also has a small town atmosphere as well. It's nice to be so close to shops, food, and most importantly, friends!
- Living with one of my best friends = pretty sweet deal. It's nice to come home and vent to Caro about life...she's heard it all before, but she still listens. We have an old lady routine down pat. Local news, national news, E! news...and then I go to bed. Yes, I have become 70.
- Working with two of my besties is amazing, too! I just left Em's room where I vented about something that happened today. Monday morning, Carrie popped by just to say hey. It's so nice having them here for support and to answer all my questions!
- My boys are growing up on me...is this a pro or con? They're so amazing, I'm making them a pro. Thad is hilarious and goofy and such a ham. It's been hard not living close to them anymore, but each time I do see him (and his parents), it's fantastic. Brooks is so much fun! He says animal sounds and has the sweetest grin you've ever seen. I got to visit with him (and his parents) this past weekend, and I enjoyed every minute! Wyatt started walking!! I keep on telling him to slow down with the growing thing, but he's turned a deaf ear to me. In all seriousness, he's precious and I adore facetiming and seeing him (and his parents).
CONS:
*This is the womp womp portion of this blog...so feel free to just end with the good if you don't want to hear my whining!*
- So...the new job is hard. I am a perfectionist by nature, so coming into a new setting with new people, new expectations, etc and not being 100% perfect from the get go is hard! I also didn't realize how much I would miss Rockingham. I know it's probably because it was what was so familiar, but it's hard to let that go. I don't have an established presence at my new school, which is also oddly frustrating. I didn't realize how much I had grown used to that at my old school. Learning a lot...but, also trying not to sink. It's a juggling act.
- I don't know if teaching is what I'm meant to do with my life. Yikes. Yea, I put it out there. I have recently been saying this out loud a lot more than I ever used to before. It's just so hard. I know that ANY job is going to be hard, but I just feel like I should love it more. Did I ever love it? I don't know. I love my students. I love reading. I love the idea of education and changing the lives of students...but I don't even know if that's happening anymore. I just feel very stuck. I thought that moving schools would be the answer. I knew that if I moved schools and I was still unsure of my profession, it might be time to look for something else. BUT, I have ABSOLUTELY no clue what else I would ever do. And I have to, at this point in my life, be realistic. I need a job that has benefits. I need a job with security. I need a job that will adequately pay my bills. I just don't know what that might be.
- Depression and anxiety have still been lurking around my heart and mind. They don't like to give up their post.
- My "healthy lifestyle" has not been so great lately. I blame all the change, but honestly, I just don't want to have to think about one more thing. Which is easier? Making dinner and thinking about calories OR popping by Chick fil a? I know which one is the BETTER choice, but alas, that choice hasn't been the one I've been picking lately.
All of this to say...there's good and there's bad. I think that's just life. I have a lot on my heart right now, so if you're of the praying persuasion, send one up for me. Thankful for my bounty of blessings and all the family and friends that make my life rich.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Ch-Ch-Changes
Go ahead and get that song in your head...thanks Bowie.
This year has brought a lot of ch-ch-changes in my direction. As posted in an earlier entry, I've been changing lots of things in my life. I'll let you in on a secret (one that isn't a secret at all to those who know me well)...I FREAKING HATE CHANGE.
That's right. Hate. It.
I know it's "inevitable". I know that "we have to do it". I know it all. Throw those cliched phrases at me, I've heard them all.
In the past three weeks, I've made the biggest "change" of my life since 2008 (when I began teaching). For the past seven years, I've been at the same high school. I've lived within a 30 mile radius of my school. So, it was a huge decision to leave Rockingham High School. One that I prayed about. One that I sill pray about.
But tomorrow, I officially begin my tenure at Mt. Tabor High. I'm excited and nervous and scared and all sorts of emotions. I keep on thinking about the movie "Inside Out" and imagine that my emotions are all aflutter and hopping all over the place in my brain!
I can fret and worry and freak out all I want to. It's not going to stop the tide of change. The best I can do it learn how to catch the wave and try my best not to get pulled under. This isn't to say that I'm not going to feel like I'm drowning half the time. However, I know I have God, my family, and my friends throwing out the lifesavers and helping me swim to shore.
All I can do is learn to embrace it, learn from it, and pray about it.
There's a beautiful quote from the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (side note...this was originally a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, but this particular quote was not in the novel):
"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."
I love this quote because it reminds me to not be afraid of change. When a person neglects change or when they look the other way, they're missing all the great things that come with that special gift. It's scary as hell, but it allows a person to experience new things, to meet new people, to learn and grow and see and feel. It is a good thing. So I'm going to try to "make the best of it". I'm going to get to know people "with a different view". But most of all, I'm going to "live a life I'm proud of."
Cheers to change.
This year has brought a lot of ch-ch-changes in my direction. As posted in an earlier entry, I've been changing lots of things in my life. I'll let you in on a secret (one that isn't a secret at all to those who know me well)...I FREAKING HATE CHANGE.
That's right. Hate. It.
I know it's "inevitable". I know that "we have to do it". I know it all. Throw those cliched phrases at me, I've heard them all.
In the past three weeks, I've made the biggest "change" of my life since 2008 (when I began teaching). For the past seven years, I've been at the same high school. I've lived within a 30 mile radius of my school. So, it was a huge decision to leave Rockingham High School. One that I prayed about. One that I sill pray about.
But tomorrow, I officially begin my tenure at Mt. Tabor High. I'm excited and nervous and scared and all sorts of emotions. I keep on thinking about the movie "Inside Out" and imagine that my emotions are all aflutter and hopping all over the place in my brain!
I can fret and worry and freak out all I want to. It's not going to stop the tide of change. The best I can do it learn how to catch the wave and try my best not to get pulled under. This isn't to say that I'm not going to feel like I'm drowning half the time. However, I know I have God, my family, and my friends throwing out the lifesavers and helping me swim to shore.
All I can do is learn to embrace it, learn from it, and pray about it.
There's a beautiful quote from the film "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" (side note...this was originally a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, but this particular quote was not in the novel):
"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."
I love this quote because it reminds me to not be afraid of change. When a person neglects change or when they look the other way, they're missing all the great things that come with that special gift. It's scary as hell, but it allows a person to experience new things, to meet new people, to learn and grow and see and feel. It is a good thing. So I'm going to try to "make the best of it". I'm going to get to know people "with a different view". But most of all, I'm going to "live a life I'm proud of."
Cheers to change.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
The Ugly Truth
I've been writing this particular post in my head for about a month now. Though words would continue to stir and try to form into coherent sentences, nothing seemed to formulate. So, bear with me...I'm not sure if this will make any sense or just be a jumbled stream of conscience that maybe comes together by the end.
Everything started out so well. I mean, sure, it was hard, but I was kicking some diet booty. I was so proud of myself. The willpower was high...the weight was getting low(er). I was thrilled at how good I was feeling, both physically and emotionally. I was going to the gym at least twice a week. Counting calories and portion control was a huge help. All the support and encouragement was the icing on the (fat free) cake. I was ecstatic that people were noticing my hard work! As ridiculous and conceited as that sounds, it was true. By the beginning of May, I was almost at my FORTY (40!!) pound mark. Just about 4 lbs from it, to be exact. My goal was to be 50 down by the beginning, or even middle, of summer. But then an old friend...that sneaky bastard... came knocking on my door.
Can I blame all of this on depression? Absolutely not. I don't. I do know that for some reason, even though I was exercising, eating well, taking my doctor prescribed meds, going to said doctor, trying to keep an optimistic look on things...depression knocked on my door, threw me to the ground, and took up residence. And just like that, I was thrown off the positive road I had tried so hard to stay on.
I love (which is such an ironic word to use when writing about depression) when people personify depression. Making it into a thief stealing life from you. Turning it into a drug that you can't escape. It helps to see depression as something tangible. That's how it feels. It feels like a thief. I had a therapist describe it as a large man sitting on your chest...it sounds ridiculous, but it's so true. No leaving. No breathing. Paralyzed to your bed.
In the midst of all this, I was also having to make some pretty big life decisions. Moving jobs, cities, houses, etc. Depression mixed with change equals dangerous territory. And here I was....right smack in the middle of it.
At some point, it felt as if that large man, that thief, that rat bastard had led me to an ocean pier and pushed me off into the dark churning water. Falling, I heard him yell, "Good luck!" By the end of May, I had barely made it to the shore. But all the will power had been taken into the ocean. I was stripped of my desire to continue on with the diet, exercise, or anything slightly resembling it.
This summer, I've used traveling and no routine as an excuse to not exercise or "get back on the wagon". And though that is true, the other part is, I'm just angry with myself. I am so mad I have to start over again. And here is the ugly truth, because maybe if I type it, it will cement in my head, I've gained half of what I lost back. HALF. It's like two steps forward, 15 steps back.
So what's the point of writing all of this? Well, you, kind reader, have cheered me along. The positivity and encouragement were the best motivation EVER. And I feel like I don't really deserve it again, but I do owe a "what just happened?" 4 solid months of work down the drain is what my mind is telling me, but my heart (oh, that precious organ of stubbornness) is telling me to get back on the horse, wagon, bike (ha), and go for it again.
I don't know when I will be back in full "COMMENCE HEALTHY EATING AND LIFESTYLE" mode again. A lot of things in my life have got to change, namely food and exercise and routine. But, I've not COMPLETELY given up hope. Not quite yet. So, maybe you won't either. No words of encouragement necessary, just a silent prayer that when I do get back up again, it will be okay. The motivation will be there. The strength will come.
Thank you, friends.
Everything started out so well. I mean, sure, it was hard, but I was kicking some diet booty. I was so proud of myself. The willpower was high...the weight was getting low(er). I was thrilled at how good I was feeling, both physically and emotionally. I was going to the gym at least twice a week. Counting calories and portion control was a huge help. All the support and encouragement was the icing on the (fat free) cake. I was ecstatic that people were noticing my hard work! As ridiculous and conceited as that sounds, it was true. By the beginning of May, I was almost at my FORTY (40!!) pound mark. Just about 4 lbs from it, to be exact. My goal was to be 50 down by the beginning, or even middle, of summer. But then an old friend...that sneaky bastard... came knocking on my door.
Can I blame all of this on depression? Absolutely not. I don't. I do know that for some reason, even though I was exercising, eating well, taking my doctor prescribed meds, going to said doctor, trying to keep an optimistic look on things...depression knocked on my door, threw me to the ground, and took up residence. And just like that, I was thrown off the positive road I had tried so hard to stay on.
I love (which is such an ironic word to use when writing about depression) when people personify depression. Making it into a thief stealing life from you. Turning it into a drug that you can't escape. It helps to see depression as something tangible. That's how it feels. It feels like a thief. I had a therapist describe it as a large man sitting on your chest...it sounds ridiculous, but it's so true. No leaving. No breathing. Paralyzed to your bed.
In the midst of all this, I was also having to make some pretty big life decisions. Moving jobs, cities, houses, etc. Depression mixed with change equals dangerous territory. And here I was....right smack in the middle of it.
At some point, it felt as if that large man, that thief, that rat bastard had led me to an ocean pier and pushed me off into the dark churning water. Falling, I heard him yell, "Good luck!" By the end of May, I had barely made it to the shore. But all the will power had been taken into the ocean. I was stripped of my desire to continue on with the diet, exercise, or anything slightly resembling it.
This summer, I've used traveling and no routine as an excuse to not exercise or "get back on the wagon". And though that is true, the other part is, I'm just angry with myself. I am so mad I have to start over again. And here is the ugly truth, because maybe if I type it, it will cement in my head, I've gained half of what I lost back. HALF. It's like two steps forward, 15 steps back.
So what's the point of writing all of this? Well, you, kind reader, have cheered me along. The positivity and encouragement were the best motivation EVER. And I feel like I don't really deserve it again, but I do owe a "what just happened?" 4 solid months of work down the drain is what my mind is telling me, but my heart (oh, that precious organ of stubbornness) is telling me to get back on the horse, wagon, bike (ha), and go for it again.
I don't know when I will be back in full "COMMENCE HEALTHY EATING AND LIFESTYLE" mode again. A lot of things in my life have got to change, namely food and exercise and routine. But, I've not COMPLETELY given up hope. Not quite yet. So, maybe you won't either. No words of encouragement necessary, just a silent prayer that when I do get back up again, it will be okay. The motivation will be there. The strength will come.
Thank you, friends.
Allllllll Over - July in a Nutshell
During the month of July, I was able to visit 6 different states and spend time with lots of loved ones! I'm going to try to be brief - and also make a longer post out of my DC/PA/NYC trip at some point!
1. Birmingham - I was so excited to fly down and visit my former teacher, mentor, and fabulous friend, Spring McKinney. She moved down to Bham around this time last year and it's the first time I've been able to visit. We had a wonderful time! We shopped around, fixed up her classroom, talked long into the evening, and just spend some excellent quality time together. I teared up when I she left me at the airport. It's always hard leaving!
1. Birmingham - I was so excited to fly down and visit my former teacher, mentor, and fabulous friend, Spring McKinney. She moved down to Bham around this time last year and it's the first time I've been able to visit. We had a wonderful time! We shopped around, fixed up her classroom, talked long into the evening, and just spend some excellent quality time together. I teared up when I she left me at the airport. It's always hard leaving!
It was also a treat to get to see my sweet little McKinney's! They're growing up TOO fast!!
2. Barrier Beach Trip - My mom surprised my sister and me with an impromptu beach trip! We (my mom, dad, sister, and me) haven't been to the Outer Banks together in almost 8 years!! It was a welcome trip. The best thing was seeing Thad experience the beach - especially one that is so special to our family. He loved the water, sand, and birds! I hope we can go again next summer and continue the tradition.
3. Georgia on my Mind - One of the trips I always look forward to each summer is the week I spend with Case. The past several years, I always try to schedule a week or so down visiting and Case is always gracious enough to let me come! We spent time eating, talking, shopping, decorating, singing, and of course snuggle time with Brooks!!
4. SHANIA freaking TWAIN - Oh man. Let me tell you. I have loved Shania Twain since I was a little girl. Growing up, my sister and I sang allllll of her songs alllll of the time! On my birthday, my sister and mom surprised me with SHANIA tickets! I was absolutely GIDDY and drunk with excitement. I sang, I danced, I cried, and laughed, and I had a fantastic time. I am so glad I was able to experience the concert with my mom and sister - it was such a treat!!
5. ROAD TRIP to the NORTH!! I will just say - it was so much fun! I'm going to save this for a separate post :)
So many more things and thoughts to post! But I will end on that...for now!!
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