Reflection #9

*Old post found in the drafts...from June 2017*

I've spent the better part of the past two years wondering if I made the right decision to leave Rockingham.  I try to remember why I left.  Why was it important in that moment to move?  The things I left behind (status, students knowing me, clubs, department responsibilities, faculty, etc).  Why was I ready to leave?  I think, at the time, I felt like I had hit a wall or rut or something.  Like Thoreau walking to and from his house at Walden Lake - there was this routine and I felt I needed something else.

There were, of course, several other factors that came into play.  I wanted to be closer to my family, I needed a stronger social life with people my age, I needed out of the small town where there was very little going on.  Basically, I needed an overhaul.  A change.

When the opportunity to teach at Mt. Tabor came, I didn't feel like I could turn it down.  It came at an opportune time in my life to welcome change and act on it. It meant moving to a bigger town, teaching with two of my best friends, working at a well-known school, working for an enthusiastic principal who made me feel at home from the moment I interviewed with him.  Did I give it enough thought?  I don't know.  I don't regret one moment of it.  I was closer to Morganton when everything with Granny went down.  I was able to teach with Em and Carrie.  I was forced to grow in my teaching and change the way I taught.  I met students who challenged me.  Yet, most of the time...it was hard.  It was really hard.  Dealing with the emotions of Granny's illness and death on top of really difficult students was, at times, more than I could handle. So, once again, this opportunity to move back home stuck in my head.  Had it been eight years previous, there wouldn't have been a hesitation.  But moving meant starting over...again.

Moving back to Freedom?  Moving back home?  Living in Granny's house?  Moving away from the city and my friends?  Moving away from something I was just getting used to?  These all kept me wondering whether it was the right decision to move.  Of course, there were positives.  But I was again in a position of having to make a BIG decision.

I prayed and talked to friends and family.  I decided to at least make an attempt and go from there.  After an interview that felt like it went well and walking around my old alma mater and feeling like it might be a good fit...the limbo and waiting set in.  And then the call came and the ball was officially rolling.

Reality set in.  I was going to have to learn a new school and students and faculty...again.  Moving...again.  Finding my place in my old town and school.  These daunting thoughts kept me grounded in the land of doubt, fret, anxiety, and fear (granted, I stay in that land 80% of the time).

August rolled in and moving was finally over.  House was on its way of becoming my home.  The classroom was set up.  Now to really begin...again.

The year started off well.  I really, really love the English department at FHS.  They're kind, supportive, hilarious, and incredible at what they do.  I also found other faculty members who welcomed me and took me under their wing.  Teaching all freshmen was something brand new.  I've taught freshmen before, but three back to back to back classes..whew.  Discovering ways to help my kids plus figuring out other programs the county has in place forced me into even more learning.  If you ever think you've been enlightened on everything that there is to learn in teaching you're crazy.

Even in my 9th year of this profession, I found so many errors.  I know perfection never happens in teaching - nor should it!  If you're not learning from your craft, something is wrong.  I'm hard on myself.  I find the errors and it grounds me and frustrates me into thinking that I'm not a good teacher.  I had to quickly get over that.

This year has, again, been challenging.  I expect (in some way or another) every year to be challenging.  Last year was challenging...which leads me back to my original question...why did I leave Rockingham?  Why didn't I just move from Ruffin to Greensboro?  Just bought a cute condo or townhouse?  Commute 25 minutes - continue teaching my classes I was used to and really build the new programs I had started there.

Why?

Because it's God's plan and not mine.  Because I needed Caroline when I got the news that my grandmother wasn't doing well.  Because I needed and trusted Em and Carrie to take care of my classes when I wasn't there, and I needed them to catch me when I fell apart in those next few weeks.  I needed that hour closer to Morganton.  I needed to learn how to quickly break up a fight.  Because God knew where I was needed.  Because maybe I helped a few kids that year at Tabor.  He knew and He knows even when I don't.  (I feel like sometimes He is using an old worn out map instead of Google Maps.)

Working at FHS this year has been a hard transition.  Learning new things, learning how to not completely lose my temper when 30 freshmen push every button you have.  But being here has been such a treat, too.  Working with amazing teachers.  Working with friends.  Laughing til it hurts at lunch and making new connections.  Teaching kids who make me laugh and make me cry and make me scream (internally) and make me remember why I teach.

God knows where I'm supposed to be.  I love the people I work with.  I love making Granny's home into my home.  I love being close to my family.  I love that I'm not too far from any of my friends.

I don't doubt His plan.  I still (and always will) miss Rockingham.  But it's not where I'm meant to be right now at this point in my life.  The grass isn't always greener, but with sunshine, water, and love, you can reminisce and think about the other side while learning to love and grow where you are - and love making memories on both.

Pieces of Poetry

At the heart of vulnerability lies my poetry.  But, in the spirit of sharing, I'm throwing some of it down. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never wavering, I still lose touch

He keeps me in His hand

But I feel it's not enough

My child, why are you restless?

My child, why can't you see?

I've never lost faith in you,

Why do you in me?

CB 11/9/17

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guided only by the dark, 

She slowly crawls from

One cliff to the next.

The only thing that connects

is a worn bridge. 

The bridge is weathered

Torn, bashed, falling apart.

Underneath the dark waters rush.

Foot in front of foot

She makes her way

But the wind

But the dark

But the isolation

It slows her down. 

It swings in the air

It buckles under the weight

It creaks in stubborn anger

It will not hold

Can I make it?

Is the light on the other side?

Can I hold on?

CB 12/11/17

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In my mind

I write every day

All the things I want to say

In my mind 

The words just pour

Out into the bowl, given a stir

In my mind 

The flow is easy

Nothing but cool air, nice and breezy

In my mind 

Everything comes out

Screaming with a shout:

These are my words

This is my truth

Won't keep it in

Around and around, the words...they spin. 

CB 7/5/19

On the 33rd Year...

I have never been early, not even for my birth
Mom labored and labored to no avail
Finally, after the decision to open up the womb was made
The doctor pulled me out of the warm comfort
And I've been a little lost and cold ever since

I look back in wonder...
How did I get to a place where I say, "I'm in my 30's"
That one lyric from "Strawberry Wine" - "I still remember...when 30 was old..."
Her biggest fear was September, mine is just the cold

Everyone says youth is wasted on the young.
As I continue to creep into my middle years...
I see myself saying, "Back when I was young" and "Kids these days"
I relate to the statement more and more...

I have wasted so much time in worry doubt, self-abuse, and frustration.
I have not loved and held on to the moments when I should have.
Written down the precious seconds and minutes that took my breath away

Never have regrets "they" say (who are they anyway)
I imagine "they" are the ones who have an idea of what life is on the other side...

The guilt consumes as the anxiety is in a constant ebb and flow-
Depression, their dear friend, older brother, and comrade in battle hold their hands
All housed in a comfy little corner in my head.
Sly whispers are constantly churning from their mouth as they group up in arms
"You aren't good enough"
"They don't need you"
"Why are you even trying?"
"You'll never find the light"

The sunshine of friends and family should be bright enough to eclipse the dark
The warmth of those beams should lift the shade
But, at times, the black night prevails
The shadow lingers
The doubt holds my hand

Where do I go from here?
What do I do as I wade through the choppy waters of life?
Hang onto the lifesavers...
Latch onto the lighthouses...

Cling to the precious buoys that keep me afloat.

CB 5/21/19