#6

Every year, about this time, I'm thrust into moments of deep reflection.  I think about the past year of teaching, what I learned, who I learned it from, why it was important for me to learn, so on and so forth.

The first semester of this school year was the most challenging semester I've had in my six years of teaching.  I taught AP English Language and Composition for the first time.  A course that is challenging in many ways: writing, reading, discussing, and vocabulary.  Coming into the class for the first time, I knew there would be hardships, but I didn't expect them to affect me the way they did.

It wasn't until I was standing in front of my third period class sobbing over a mispronounced vocabulary word, that I knew it was hindering my teaching.  With tears streaming down my face, I quickly exited the class and ran to my friend Angela's classroom.  I cried to her, "I didn't know it was going to be this hard!  Why can't I do this?  I'm not smart enough for this!"  She gently assured me that it would indeed be okay.  This was a challenging course to teach, but I would make it through.  And I did...barely.  I'm not going to lie, I definitely had periods of time when I wanted to give up.  I felt stupid, unequipped in knowledge, and just inadequate.  I felt that I was hurting my students and their learning.  How in the world would I ever learn from a mess like this?

But...per usual...at some point, I realized that I could do this, I would push through, and defeat was simply not an option.

One of the reasons I think I struggled so much - other than the high level of class and feeling inadequate 95% of the time - was that I was also juggling several other balls.  I felt so stretched thin - which is the only time I can use the adjective thin to describe me.  I felt that I didn't know what to do.  I didn't feel like I was doing anything well.  I think, in reflection, I had to go through that.  I had to see that it is impossible for me to do everything perfectly.  Everything in life, especially in a career, takes time and practice.  My nagging sense of perfection gets in the way A LOT.

But, I'm learning.

Learning to say no.
Learning perfection doesn't exist.
Learning that I can only do what I can do.
Learning that it's more than teaching.
Learning that being there for my students is also important.
Learning that sometimes I can't do everything.
Learning that it's okay to feel inadequate sometimes.
Learning.

The second semester was a blessing from God.  I think He knew that I would quit teaching if I had another semester like the first one.  My classes during the second semester were ones I was comfortable with, ones I have taught again and again.  My students were well behaved and tried hard.  I finally had a chance to come up for air from the ocean that was drowning me during first semester.

Life teaches us lessons in a thousand different ways. We just have to be willing to learn.  And...I am.