What They Don't Teach You

I’ve been in some form of education for 20 years. I mean, if we want to go back to pre-school we can tack on a couple more years. Education has in some way has become a central part of my life. Even during my summers, some part of my brain is back in the classroom. It’s my second home. We don’t always love home…but it is just that, home.

However, there are some things that education didn’t teach me. In all my years of experience, college, education, practice, teaching, and internships…some questions were left unanswered. What? You spend all that time and money and you don’t have questions answered?! What the crap?

What am I suppose to tell the kid that comes from a bad home situation?

What do I do when the copier won’t work and you have to print a test for 3 classes?

How are you suppose to keep a smile on your face when all you really want to do is scream at the top of your lungs.

There are times and moments I love what I do. Explaining a poem that my students finally “get”. Helping a student edit an essay. Watching a student I had forever ago graduate and make it to the next step in life. Seeing a student cheer and look up from the field and smile big because they know you’re supporting them. Advising a student to do the right thing. Reading a novel that speaks not only to me, but to them. Laughing with co-workers. Helping a colleague when they need something. I love that I am able to help. I love that I am able to encourage. I love that I am needed. I love my job for these reasons.

There are moments I don’t like my job. Moments like when I’m frustrated that my students don’t understand a concept because I don’t completely understand the concept myself. When a student doesn’t listen to me. When a student has such apathy that no matter what the motivation or how long I try to work with them…they just don’t care. How do you make them care? When you are underpaid, have other issues in your (heaven forbid) personal life.

No one ever said this would be easy. No one ever told me that this would be a dream job. I certainly didn’t get into this job for the money or respect. It’s a tough time to be in education. It’s hard to be a teacher right now. I can’t say I don’t love it. There is a part of me that can’t see me doing anything else. I define myself sometimes by being a teacher. But, it’s hard. It’s really hard sometimes. Some days I would like to find something new to do. I would like to run away and become an actress that is loved, adored, and paid tons of money. But I’m not. I’m not going to be.

So we make do with the cards that are dealt to us. I try to find the good in what I do…even though it’s sometimes hard. I look to the students that do care and that do appreciate my hard work. I do this for the students that will take my class with them after graduation. I do it to put the smile on their faces when I do something goofy. I do it to see that light bulb go off. I’m just going to try to remind myself of all those things when I am frustrated like I will inevitably will be some days. There is a reason I am here.

Reflections on the Third Year

As I sit down to write this yearly reflection, I’m reminded of a quote that I love. It was written by one of my favorite authors, Ralph Waldo Emerson. I love his simple outlook on the world. He constantly encourages people to live a simpler, yet fuller life. The quote says, “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely…” This sums up my third year perfectly.

It’s hard to believe that three years ago I was in a state of pure panic. I was frustrated and scared. I, by this time, had interviewed for a couple schools, sent out what seemed like 50 other resumes, and hadn’t heard anything. I was battling the frustration and not doing a very good job at it. It was also around this time that Mrs. McKinney gave me the nudge to put myself out there. I did, and by the end of June, I would have my job at Rockingham Co. High School.

I left the interview not thinking I had gotten the job. I didn’t think the principal that had interviewed me was impressed and even though he gave me a mini-tour of the building, I left thinking, “Well, at least it was good practice!” About a week later I was offered the job.

Three years, in some ways, has flown by. I hardly remember that interview, I hardly remember the summer of preparation. I remember the fear and anxiety, but specific moments fail me. Starting the job, however, was a different story. I remember everything. I remember the fear, the worry, and the panic. But, I also remember being done with my first year and being more proud of myself than I had been even graduating from college!

And here we are three years later. The reason I started this entry with the Emerson quote is because the past three years I’ve had some moments when I know I’ve taught kids well. But, I’ve also had moments where I knew I could’ve done better and I knew I could’ve done the lesson differently. Teachers can’t dwell on those moments. We finish the day. We have to be done with it. Though I’m finished with the year and I know there are tons of things I could’ve done different, some ‘blunders and absurdities’ most definitely ‘crept in’, but I’m finished with it and I have to move on. Next year is a new year and I will just try to work harder to fix mistakes I have made.

This year I taught all four English levels. I taught freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors. I saw sweet, little freshmen come in and I also saw my juniors mature into seniors. I taught the EOC. I graded what seemed like 3,344 research papers. I organized, technoligized (I know that’s not a word, but trust me, it should be), I learned new things, and I tried to take everything in.

Most importantly, I got to see my students grow. The students that are getting ready to become seniors were just coming in as freshmen when I was coming into my first year of teaching. I feel like we’ve grown together. We’ve finally made it to what seems to be a very established setting in our lives. I’m so proud of them, I already have mixed emotions about when they walk across that stage next year. I also, for what feels like the true first time, got to really mentor and advise a couple students. Develop a bond that I know Mrs. McKinney must have felt when I was in high school. I know that when these girls leave, I will still keep in touch and want to know what is going on. I am so sad, and yet so proud to see them move on.

I love my job on most days. I love my school on most days. But, I can’t lie and say I haven’t wanted to just up and leave. I have felt more frustration this year than I ever did my first or second year, I think that must be expected. But, again, like Emerson said…I taught, and I must move on. I will move on to my next year with new challenges and changes and welcome them anew.

Hello, summer…I’ve missed you.

Quarter Down

I’m turning 25 in a couple of days. I never dread birthdays, in fact, usually I embrace them. My best friends will be the first people to say how much I adore my birthday. Why wouldn’t a person? It’s a day to celebrate you! However, this birthday, for some reason, meant something bigger. 25 sounds like such a grown up age. I sat down for lunch today with my mentor and friend, Angela, and I was telling her about my fears about turning the big 2-5. She agreed that it was a big number. No more juvenile moves. It’s a legit number. I was beginning to feel a little anxious about it.

I think some of my friends just took it as nerves mixed with me being my usual melodramatic self (if I could only get on Broadway and work this out), but I really was starting to feel a little nervous about it all. I then did what all people in this day and age do when they’re curious about something…I wikipedia’ed it! In my results I found out that I did have the classic symptoms of a ‘quarter life crisis’. If you’re curious about the symptoms, you can search them, but they fit, not all…but a lot.

When I discussed this with my friend Caroline, she explained to me that to even have a quarter life crisis meant that I was somewhat established in my life. I have a status to question and reason to ponder. Not all “almost” 25 year olds have this. I am fortunate to have held a job for 3 years. That’s quite a miracle. It was during all this I had several moments of clarity. Turning 25 is such a beautiful thing, not something to be freaked out about.

Looking back a decade, I’ve graduated high school, college, celebrated being a teacher for 3 years. I’ve lived by myself, moved back to a city, I’ve made life-long friends. In the past several years I’ve made major milestones. Milestones I can be proud of. I think, though, that I always imagined something more. A little part of me imagined that I would have been in a relationship by now, I would be completely happy at where I am, but these things haven’t happened quite yet. However, these are all exciting things to look forward to. I’m still growing even though I’m officially a ‘grown up’. 10 years ago I knew I’d be a teacher, I’d be somewhere in life, and in those respects…I have been successful.

I guess that the big 2-5 isn’t anything too crazy. It’s a nice number. Quarter down, a couple more (I hope) to go. I look forward to the next 25. I hope to live even more and make more memories.

I leave you with a picture from long ago. I think this was my 2nd birthday. What would I tell this little girl? Never grow up? Nah, but I would tell her to enjoy every moment of growing. Take the time to grow and learn from everyone and everything around you. Take more pictures, opportunities to travel, and fall asleep in Nana’s lap a few more times. I would tell her to dream big and be happy. Just be happy.

My Brother's Keeper

When I was reading my devotional today, the scripture was Philippians 1:1-11. It states, "I thank my God every time I remember you, constantly praying with joy in every one of my prayers for you." When I pray every night, it's almost gotten into a chant-like prayer because I pray for some people in every single prayer. Of course, with every night there are new additions, but without hesitation, I always ask God to watch over my family and friends.

I'm writing all of this because this past week at school I've talked with teachers and witnessed some students that have really bad situations. Home life is rough, no support, living on their own, bad backgrounds, I'm sure you understand. I see this and have seen this since I began teaching. My county has some poor spots, economically, students come from a range of backgrounds. Some students have situations where they don't have anywhere to go.

As I was praying the other night I had a profound moment of blessing and felt humbled. How fortunate am I to have so many people to pray for? I don't know what it is to be turned away from a home. I don't know what it is to not have any friends. I wouldn't know what to do if I were in a situation like that. Even in my 'new home' in Rockingham County, I know that I have people to turn to. What would it be like to not have this?

I remember my mom becoming so attached to some of her students. Many of them didn't have a steady home. Some were in foster care or at a group home. I couldn't understand why she felt so devoted to these kids. She already had 2, why did she feel the need to take on more? But, I think she knew how important it was to show these students and kids what is was like to have a home. She always taught me that I was no better than anyone else on this Earth and I needed to take care of other people. I take that with me when I teach.

Therefore, my prayers have evolved. Though I feel so blessed to have people to pray for and know that there are people that pray for me, I open up my blessings and prayers to those who don't. My students that need a maternal figure. Even if it's just for 90 minutes. I try to emulate my mom and all that she has taught me about life. Take care of others. Be not only your sister's keeper (literally), but your brother's keeper. It isn't the easiest thing for us to do, but it's the best thing.

Paradise

I wish I was better at this blog thing. Honestly, I just don't think that my life is that interesting. I have moments where I think about things or have fun at events and think, 'Ah! I need to blog this!'...but, that's about as far as it goes. I teach...I sleep...and repeat, haha. There is a good...ahem...wonderful thing coming up, I'm going to my favorite place on earth.

Cape Hatteras entered my life at the young age of 3...maybe even before. There are pictures of a very cute little Coley sporting a bikini (prob for the first and last time in my life) on the steps in the sand with the famous lighthouse in the distance. According to my parents, they wanted to take a little vacation and that's where they ended up. Shortly after it became an annual vacation with family and friends. There are pictures of my cousin Leah and me playing in the sand and smiling with our buckets. One trip, my mom and aunt were pregnant with Megan and Katy (respectively) and somehow the truck got stuck while driving on the beach...Granny ended shoveling sand from the tires with Leah and my little kiddie shovels. I mean, that memory alone is priceless. There are so many more memories that take me back to that beautiful piece of heaven.

Cape Hatteras also holds a special place in my heart because it gave me peace when I needed it most. A couple months after my cousin Melissa died, my family took one of our last trips to Hatteras. It had been a rough couple of months for my family. Lots of changes, tears, and grief that I hadn't quite come to terms with. I was angry at God for letting this happen. I was angry at myself for not being able to deal with it. I had just finished my first year of college and it was one that was really rough. Basically...I was lost. The good news was that I had come home.

While spending our week at the beach, I snuck off for a walk. I took the walk in hopes that I could catch the sunset over the sound. Truly one of the most beautiful sights in the world. I made it to the sound just in time. I found a spot and just sat and watched it. The sky turned into an array of magical colors. Oranges, purples, pinks, and yellows swirled together to make a sky that only God could create. That's when it hit me. A God that can make such a beautiful sky, that could create babies, bless my life with wonderful family and friends has to know what He's doing. Even when I don't understand it (and rarely I do), He knows what He's doing it.

It would take another year or two to have complete peace with the situation, but that was the first huge step. I had felt peace and I savored it. Ever since, Cape Hatteras represents peace to me. I love it. It is a place where I can truly be myself and have complete harmony with the world.

Earlier this month my mom asked if I wanted to spend a few days on the coast over Spring Break. It was a complete spontaneous trip, and usually I don't like things like that, but when Hatteras is in the cards, I will always be up for it.

I hear the waves and seagulls calling...I can't wait.

This is a fitting date to publish this post. 6 years ago today (as I put this on here on 4-14-11), I lost my cousin, Melissa, to cancer. She was a beautiful person with a beautiful spirit. I remember her in the best way, in my mind I am a little girl in her wedding, and she is happy and smiling. I think that's how she would want it, so that is how I choose to remember her. Miss you Melissa.

Update on Life

Well I have really let the blog go! Besides uber random stories that happen every once and awhile, I never think about writing. …Or I do, but I think too much about it. I want it to be this elaborate post that encompasses everything in my life in beautiful words. Well precious…that just isn’t happenin’ at the moment!

Let’s just call a spade a spade and say I’ve been a slacker to the 10^th degree! So let me get you caught up! Last semester (cause my years go by school semesters…) was pretty hectic! Besides teaching a new grade level, 2 of my best friends got married!! I was pretty busy there for awhile.Case got married in October and Linds got married in December. Both of the weddings were beautiful and I am so thrilled that they have been able to start such an important part of their lives. I also feel blessed that they allowed me to be apart of it.

In the middle of showers, bachelorette parties, dress fittings, and lots of laughter, I also took on a new grade level. At this moment in time…I have taught all 4 grade levels of high school in 3 years! I’m glad to have them all under my belt, but it also caused a little bit of anxiety and frustration. I survived though and made it though. This semester I’m back to the basics and teaching my two loves: World Lit (English II) and American Lit (English III). Classes are either way talkative or not at all. Finding the balance and learning all my new kids is what is currently on the agenda.

I took some time to travel to see all my friends last semester. Trips to Raleigh, Greenville, Winston, and of course Morganton. While in Morganton in September, I got to visit with my cousin Katy and her daughter Stevie. They were home for a week visiting and I adored catching up and seeing them. Even better, now I have Skype and can video chat with them! Ahh technology :)

I’ll end with some pics and a hopeful wish that’ll I’ll keep more in touch with the blog world. I’m absolutely captivated by other people’s blogs and have a whole list! I need to stop reading and write some more...

For whatever reason, I already put my pics of Case's

wedding on a flashkey and took them off my computer :(

So until I get some (and I have about 400) pics, I'll leave you with

a pic from our GG shower! It was a wonderful day with

sweet friends and beautiful scenery :)

Beautiful Linds on her wedding day!

The Barrier Cousins enjoying a cookout for Stevie's 2nd birthday

Sweet Stevie :)

Coley's Adventures in Laundry

I thought I'd include this story.

I e-mailed my best friends this story on Friday morning...as in 12:30am. Anywho...here it goes:

This story starts about 2 hours ago and I'm not sure when it is going to end. A smart person would have started laundry earlier. A smarter person would not have watched The Vampire Diaries and Grey's Anatomy, but would have done laundry. Actually...a really smarter person would've taken their laundry somewhere else. Alas...I am not.

I decided at 10:15 to do laundry. When I went in there a weird couple was in there. The man looked high and the woman drunk. This was not going to be a good evening. There were only 2 washers working and my hope was slowly draining. I loaded the washers and decided to wait my 28 minutes in my apartment. I went back in 25 minutes and there was still 14 minutes on the washer...um...what? Then it went on "spin" cycle and it sounded like the lid was going to come off and my clothes were going to fly out.

I THOUGHT I had enough money. I thought...well, after 1.25 for 2 washes...I was down to 3.00. That was enough for 1 dry. Y'all...the last time I did laundry was before Case's wedding...I'm pretty sure they're working on their one month anniversary. So, I put them all in one and decided to go get some money. Well...easier said than freakin' done.

First thought: Go to the Harris Teeter and get money back. Get in my car. Go to the Teeter. The 24 hour Teeter. Get out of my car. They're closed for maintenance. Really. So then I go to the other Teeter. Get out...and haven't even thought about what to freakin' buy. So I get soup. Go check out. Cash back? Yes please. Put in the amnt. Woman says...no cash back after 10. WHAT THE HELL. So then I go to the Cash Points. At this point I've made a HUGE circle. I get out $20. I don't want to put that much in...so I go to Wendy's.

Finally get back to the laundry building. I can't get in. It's locked. I'm just over it. So I see if I can get around the pool to it. I have to walk past crazy lady and man. I still have NO idea what they're doing or why they're there. Get my laundry in the dryer. Separate the 1 big load to two small loads. I haven't gone back to see if I can get in. I'm honestly a little worried. Not sure what will happen from this point on.

I'll keep you posted.

Coley

PS...I'm asking for a washer and dryer for Christmas.

PPS...I think I'm calling in sick tomorrow.

PPPS...I'm sorry if you're still reading this.