Forgetting to Swim

"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim." ~Tyler Knott Gregson

I came across this quote and instantly gasped at its perfect timing in my life.  Don't you love when that happens?  When you read or see something that you know was meant to be found by you at that exact moment.  That's how I felt as soon as I read this.  Then, I re-read it.  I read it over and over, at least 20 times.  It is exactly how I feel with my job right now.

I've written on my teaching career many times.  I've wanted to be a teacher since I was a wee little girl pretending to "hold class" in my mom's classroom after school at Glen Alpine Elementary.  I felt that I was destined to hold this title.

As the years of teaching have progressed, the challenges have changed.  The burdens a bit heavier.  The expectations a bit higher.  The job has become much more than I had ever expected.  Five years ago, I worried about discipline, my lessons being perfect, whether or not I would be observed, and if my students were getting absolutely anything from my lessons.  Now, don't get me wrong, I still worry about these things, but now I worry if my kids are on Facebook on their Chromebooks, if my observations will hurt my new evaluation created by the state, if my lessons are aligned with the Common Core, pacing guide, EOC, and are 21st century.  Am I going to have time to fit it all in?  Is the club I advise doing enough?  Will I be able to  clean my house this weekend when I have so much to grade?  Am I a good teacher?  Am I a good role model?  Am I a good mentor?  Am I a good colleague, department chair, academic coach, OSTE, advisor, so on and so forth.

Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.

Sinking is what I feel.  Sinking in that beautiful ocean I once loved.  The promise is breaking.  I am treading and losing my grip on swimming in the grandness of teaching.

I called and talked to my mom for a long time last night.  I complained and cried to her that I didn't know how to do it anymore.  All of it.  Feeling so overwhelmed and unappreciated.  Then she said, but you love it. You love this and you are good at it.  You have to realize that the reason you do all of these things is because of your love for teaching.

Sometimes the water gets deep, scary, cold, and uncertain.  That's how teaching feels for me right now.  And sometimes I forget how much I used to love it.  And still do.  I do love this job.  I love my students, the relationships and conversations.  I love that I get to learn every single day with them.  The swimming and magic of it.  I forgot and keep on forgetting how it feels.

So we take a step back.  Marvel at this job and all that comes with it.  Every time I stand in front of the ocean, I am overwhelmed with its majesty.  That's how I feel with teaching.  Overwhelmed.  But, I can't forget that I still love to get in that water.  I still love the swimming.  I still love this job.  I still love teaching.

I can't forget that.

Thoughts on Life...Lately

I always have a lot of thoughts swirling around my mind.  If my mind had a mental recorder, this blog would be filled with tons of posts about the life I lead.  Boring it might be, but I always want to write about my musings on life.

Lately, I've really been "realizing" my age.  I'm 26.  When I look back on the life plan that I thought I would have (granted this was planned in middle school), there are several things that haven't turned out the way I thought.  I thought that I'd be engaged, possibly married by now.  Every time I see a baby, I have a deep longing to be a mother.  It's more of a tug now than ever before.  I have always wanted to be a mother, but was obviously fine with just snuggling with other people's babies.  Now, there is more of a desire to be a mother.  To snuggle with my own child.  Teach morals, values, letters, and books to a small person.  I get to be a mother every day to 90 students, but it'd be nice to have one of my own!

I know that life is planned in a certain way for a certain purpose.  I get that.  I wouldn't want to rush things.  I doubt I could handle a dog at the moment, so why do I think I could handle another little human being?  I know that patience is a virtue, and I'm really trying to "get that" and be okay with it, but boy is it hard sometimes!

In the month of November, I am more aware of all the wonderful things around me.  All the things to be truly thankful for.  My list is overflowing, and I'm happy that I have such a wonderful group of friends, sweet family, and a good job.  There's always something inside me wondering what the next step is.  What should I do next?  But, I'm trying to live in the moment.  Bask in the multitude of thanks that I feel. When it is time to leap onto the next step, I will jump and do it.  I just hope it's an obvious one!

Thoughts

I wrote this for my students.

I chose this week’s current event article with a purpose in mind.  You are a powerful generation, and though you might not realize it, your generation is more powerful than mine is.  You have the means to get your voices out into the world in ways that my generations and the ones that came before only imagined.  You are a generation of technology, awareness, and power.  You might not even realize how powerful all of you together are.

With this power, there comes a certain responsibility.  The cape always carries the weight of difficult decisions.  Though your voices need to be heard, the voice needs to understand what it is saying.

Through my five years of teaching, I have seen students do extraordinarily nice things.  I've seen students give time, money, talents, and love.  I've also seen students do things that brought my heart to a halting beat.  With all the knowledge that this world has given you, why do you still say mean things?  Why do you still speak with intolerance?  Why is there still bullying going on?

My grandparents grew up in a time when they couldn't be friends with black people.  My childhood was filled with children of all different races and colors.  My cousin is now married to a black man and has one of the cutest little girls you will ever meet.

My parents grew up in a time where it was taboo to talk about many of the issues that your generation is packed with.  My adolescence has been overflowing with understanding that there are all kinds of people, and though on the outside we may seem a bit different, we’re all the same inside.

YOU have grown up with people that are different from you.  I’m not asking you to change your beliefs or question your morals.  ALL I want from you is to understand how powerful you are.  How powerful your VOICE is. 

When you talk, though you might not realize it, you are being heard.  When you say slanderous things about someone or something, people are listening.  The power of your voice to harm people is huge.  When you say hurtful things, someone is listening.  How do you know that they aren't being affected by you?

In this class we've learned 200 vocabulary words, parts of speech, sentence, and phrases.  We've written essays, talked about themes and characters.  We've read poems, articles, and discussed a myriad of things.  I want you to leave my class knowing all of these things, but I also want you to have an understanding of the worldly things.  That there is a huge world out there and having awareness of others is one of the best things you can have.

Be Kind.

Spring Break 2012

I had a lovely Spring Break...it's hard to be back in the 'real' world.  Thank goodness I was able to 'ease' into the week with a workday.  I am taking a break from research papers to think back to a more relaxing time!

I began my week in Morganton.  Even though I didn't do a lot, I really enjoyed sleeping in, visiting my family, and just relaxing.  Last Monday I went to my grandmother's and got to see and spend time with my cousin. We went for a walk around the neighborhood.  My home church has recently purchased more land and for Easter they placed a HUGE cross on the lot.  You can see it from the road!

Dogwood flower - Granny explained the significance of this beautiful tree

Large cross on the church's lot - if you're in Motown, you should check it out!

Dogwood tree at my grandmother's house

 After a few days in Motown, I headed down to Pickens, SC to visit Casey.  I really tried to grade...I promise!  However, Hank wouldn't have it!

We headed down to Atlanta to visit Emory and check out the city.  We had a really good time!  I hadn't been to Atlanta in 10 years.  We stayed in a little suburb of Atlanta that was very retro and cool.  Cool?  I feel like I'm in middle school...I'm tapped out of other adjectives!!  The next day we checked out the city and campus.  Emory has a very unique (not in a bad way!) campus that was a mix of old school/modern/sleek.  I am really bombing with adjectives today...way to go English teacher!  None the less, just take my word for it, it was great!

Exploring Virginia Highlands and enjoying drinks!

A-town

Emory

Case at her future school?

 When we got back to Pickens, Casey's family was there to spend the weekend with her for Easter.  I got to spend some time with them.  Casey's sister has a precious daughter!  We had a fun time with sidewalk chalk, dying Easter eggs, reading, and even fit some shopping in!

I finished my week in Motown.  I went to church for Easter service and it was fantastic. The sermon was perfect, the flowers were beautiful,  and the music inspiring.  Granny had a rockin' lunch and then I went to see my mom's family.  All in all...a great ending to a perfect week.

I guess it's back to the 'grind' tomorrow!  I (strangely enough) have missed my students!  Not necessarily teaching itself or all the grading, notes, lessons, work...but, I have really enjoyed my students this semester.  As we enter the last 6 weeks, they'll be bittersweet!  I'm anxiously awaiting summer though!!

I Should Be Grading...

Wow, almost 3 blogs in a week...someone is on vacation!  I am enjoying my sweet spring break. I really haven't done too much of anything, but that's what I like best about a break.  It is so tantalizing and just mocks and says, "Summer break is almost here...but you have to still go back to work for 6 more weeks!"

I spent the first half of my SB in Motown and am now down in SC visiting Casey (and Hank).  Hank is currently my grading buddy as he likes to distract me with his cuteness.  If you aren't sure by now, Hank is Casey (and Clay's) German Shorthaired Pointer.  We've been BFF's since he was a wee little thing.

Tomorrow Case and I are heading down to Atlanta to visit Emory.  She was recently accepted to nursing school there and is going to check it out.  I feel like we're seniors in high school again!  Visiting colleges, taking tours, and making big decisions.  It's fun to be able to see where she might be spending the next couple of years.  I don't really like to think about the fact it's 6 hours away from Reidsville, so I focus on the positives.  New adventures in Atlanta!

As the post title mentioned, I should be grading, but it's a bit depressing and daunting when there are way better things I rather be doing with my time...like blogging, facebooking, looking outside, running around the living room with Hank, really anything...

Alas, back I go...

Thoughts on Being Home...

I've only been here for a couple days, but Motown has helped me regain a sense of calm and peacefulness.  There are a few places that do that for me, but there's just something about this small town that captures my heart and gives me calm like no other.  If you've never been to Morganton (gasp, the thought!), I recommend a visit!  However, I imagine that it is special to me for different reasons.

I blogged last about the 'stresses' of work and all that comes with that gig.  I fully expected to find my 'zen' and welcome peace and Morganton didn't disappoint.  It's not that I've done that much...I've only left my parent's house twice in the past 2 days...but, I've loved just being at home and doing nothing!

The moments that have been special are the ordinary ones.  Talking to my mom.  Spending time with my grandmother.  Going to my childhood church.  Hugging the older women that have watched me grow since I was little. Finally getting a chance to read something that doesn't have to do with a lesson for school. Feeling safe under my parent's roof.

I've also enjoyed talking to my mom and grandmother about everything going on.  My favorite piece of advice came from Granny.  We were talking about how it seems like there is no pleasing some people.  She said, "Look at Jesus, He was perfect and people still didn't like him!  So true.

I am anticipating more visits sprinkled throughout the week with more family and friends.  I also have a fun jaunt planned with Case.  We're going to Atlanta to visit a potential college she might be going to.  We love an excuse for a road trip and a chance to catch up on singing duets!

I'm relishing in the mundane.  Loving the small, quiet moments, the..dare I say...delicious ambiguity of life.  I'm also enjoying my parents cooking for me...added bonus.  Happy Spring Break!

Juggling

“Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls...are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.”  ~James Patterson, Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas

This quote is from one of my favorite novels, Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas.  I'll never forget reading it.  One of my best friends, Case, told me about it when we were seniors in high school.  It's a touching story and I won't go into detail, but I definitely recommend if you've never read it.  I read it in one day...make sure you have hankies.

At the time I initially read the book, this quote didn't really mean a lot to me.  I mean, I didn't understand the full implications of it.  At 17 a person doesn't really have a full idea of what 'work' is, nor do they understand the precious importance their family and friends have in their life, at least I didn't really.  I certainly didn't understand what it meant to 'juggle' everything around.  Oh, I thought I did.  I thought that it was all I could do to make it through all my responsibilities as a high school student...how young I was.  

But like life usually does, it took hold of my hand and away we went!  Life has that tendency to not care whether you are comfortable.  It doesn't ask you if you're all buckled in and have everything in order, it just takes off, and all a person can do is pray that they're ready to go.

I have felt this way all year (school year, that is).  In the past year I have taken on a lot of responsibility within my job.  Don't get me wrong, I've loved new roles, new tasks,  and learning new things.  However, I've often stopped and the lyrics from "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads has seeped into my brain..."You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?"

How did I get here?  How did I get to the place where I grade at school 'til 6:00?  How did I get to the place where I forget to call my mom?? And that's when it hit me, I have been treating work like a glass ball.  I have for the past semester been thinking that there is nothing in the world except my job and I have to do a great job at it or it will go away! ...but it won't...but it doesn't...and that's when I remembered this quote.

My friends and family have always taken the front seat in my life's journey.  I've always tried to make time for them and let them know how important they are to me.  The past year I've gotten lost in the grind of work.  I've lost myself in worries over whether I'm doing this right, or planning that lesson, or grading this, e-mailing that.  Somehow, my friends and family slipped to the backseat.

All of this hit me when I realized tonight that I hadn't talked to my mom in a week.  My granny (whom I adore) called me a couple weeks ago and I have yet to call her back.  How did this happen?  Again, how did I get here?  I have to stop and take a step back.  Work is a rubber ball.  It will always be there, it will always bounce back.  I'm the person that has to be the best at what I do.  I want to give 100% and know that what I'm doing is right.  When you're in that mind set, it's hard to stop and realize what materials make those precious spheres.  

Next week is Spring Break and I hope recalculate and re-evaluate where the path has gotten a little off.  I love my students and my job, but I also need to realize that there are things in life that need to take the front seat.  I need to stop and understand that the job is a job.  It's not going anywhere, but my time with my family, my friends, my health, this is precious stuff!


One of my dearest friends at school has a daughter who was in an accident this past summer.  It was very touch and go for awhile.  She is truly a walking miracle.  She's back at school and living her normal life now.  There have been times my friend has looked at me and said, "Don't let it take something huge to make you re-evaluate life."  She doesn't stay at school as long.  She has fully realized the priorities in life.  Though she handled the situation with an abundant amount of grace, she also did what some people forget to do...she learned and took from the lessons that life handed her.


I don't want something drastic to happen for me to stop and do the cliched smelling of the roses.  I want to live in the moment.  Learn to juggle and do the best at my job, but also make more of an effort to call my family, check in with my friends, and enjoy life.  Those are the objects I don't want to break, scuff, or hurt.  My job, though so very important, will always find away into my life...the rubber is resilient, the glass is not.