I have been meaning to write and catch up on the summer and a few of the books I've enjoyed over the past few months, but haven't been able to gather my thoughts and sit down long enough to type. I will get to those posts, but first....
I wanted to write today because as I was perusing my blog the other day, I realized that I wrote my very first post EIGHT YEARS AGO TODAY! Where does the time go?
It was so weird to read that post. Eight years ago, I was moving into my little apartment in Eden and starting my very first teaching job. Since then, I've lived in 4 (going on 5) different places and cities and taught at 2 (going on 3) different schools. OHHH WHAT I COULD TELL LITTLE COLEY.
I won't bore you with all the coulda woulda shouldas....but from reading that old post, I do see that I have grown from that scared 22 year old to the slightly more "with it" 30 year old. (PS - when you write out the numbers, it makes you really see your age...jjjjeeeeezzzzzz).
Here are 8 things I've learned in the past 8 years:
1. Even when life gets scary and hard, learning how to roll with the punches is a must. There have been several times when I've been at my wit's end and I've had to let go of my insecurities, anxieties, and frustrations, and just go with the flow. SIDE NOTE: this doesn't always mean I do this....
2. The time I have spent with family and friends is invaluable. I will never ever take that time for granted. These people....my people...have held me up, cushioned my falls, and pulled me into their arms when I felt that I was falling apart.
3. Teaching has produced some of the hardest times in the past eight years, but the lessons I have gained are so important to me. I am thankful for all my time in the classroom even if it has resulted in several gray hairs.
4. I've learned that sometimes you need to turn off the computer and tv and just read or write. This is actually something I want to get better at, but there's still some years to work on that.
5. Tiny humans have made my heart double...no, triple in size. My sister's son, my best friends' sons, my cousin's daughters have all brought such light, joy, and love into my heart.
6. Pictures are phenomenal ways to document the memories you make in life, but at the same time...sometimes you have to just live in the moment (another thing I'm still working on).
7. TRAVEL - traveling has been one of the best things I've been forturnate enough to do. I love visiting new places, sight seeing, people watching, trying new things, immersing myself in new places is something I hope I always get to do. So many more places to go....
8. Life is short. Enjoy it.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Here We Go Again...
2016 has been quite a year. It's been a big year of unexpected change. Lots of unplanned events that I didn't ask for, nor was prepared for. However, with unexpected change comes opportunities for growth.
When my grandmother died almost 4 months ago, all of my family looked at each other and had this unspoken question of...well, what happens to our main homestead? Granny's home was where everything took place: holidays, lunches, gatherings, etc. I don't think any of us could fathom the thought of someone else living there.
In the midst of all this, we kind of wondered...what about Coley? At first, I told them I didn't think it was a possibility. I came up with this mental list: I didn't have a job in Morganton, I was happy in Winston, I already had a big "move" change last year, a house is a HUGE responsibility, yada, yada.
But the thought in my head wouldn't let go.
I, on a whim, texted a good friend of mine who also happens to teach within Burke County. I simply asked her to keep her ears open and let me know whether she heard anything about a possible job opening at one of the schools. Thinking she would reply with, "I'll keep them open!" I kept my optimism on low. I know that sounds bad, but I didn't want to get any hopes up (especially at that early stage). However, within a couple minutes, she replied saying, "Actually, I think there might be one." Say what?! I couldn't help but feel like Granny was nudging me home.
Even with that response, I wasn't 100% sure. The weeks that followed were really hard. I was still dealing with the death of my grandmother, I was finishing my year of teaching, I wasn't sure I was ready to move again, I felt this calling to go back, I felt this calling to stay...bottom line....I was just kind of hanging out in this hellish limbo.
So, I did what I always do when I'm not sure, I prayed. I tried my best to listen. I talked to friends, I talked to family, and I talked some more to God. I decided that I would send in my resume and an email to the two high schools I would like to teach at within Burke County. If I heard something, wonderful, and if I didn't, I was happy staying where I was in Winston.
About a week after that, I got an email asking if I'd like to come in for an interview. I said yes and went in.
The next month was the longest month of my life. School systems still have to go through a lengthy hiring process, so even though I interviewed, and even though I thought it went well, I knew I wouldn't knew anything FOR SURE for awhile.
Not to sound dramatic, but, IT WAS AWFUL.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to hope for. I began to doubt EVERYTHING. I didn't know if this was maybe a sign to stay or maybe just to forget the whole thing... I ended my year at Tabor and still didn't know what the following school year would hold. I couldn't say anything to anyone because again, I didn't know.
I'll save you the melancholy Coley blabber. I will say that doubt is an anxiety-ridden person's worst enemy...and ole doubt was creeping into every crevice of my life.
Anywho, about two weeks ago, I was sitting at my sister's house and got THE call. THE call I had been waiting for...I was officially offered the job at my alma mater, Freedom High School. And even with that call, I was still a ball of emotions! As all of it has settled a bit, I am back on the excited track.
I know a lot of this pain and confusion was related to Granny. I know a lot of it was related to my mixed emotions about leaving Tabor and Winston. When I left Rockingham, I knew it was time to move on. I knew I had "run my course" there and was ready to see what else there was "out there". But, only being at Tabor a year, there were a TON of mixed emotions! I truly enjoyed teaching there. I learned so so so so much from my colleagues and students. It's an incredible place.
There's still a lot of "technical" stuff to work out (hence why I haven't posted or said anything on social media). I am excited though. It means being closer to my family and working at the place that first made me want to be a high school teacher!
All this to say, this was an incredibly hard decision, BUT...at the end of the day, the BIGGEST thing that has kept me from ditching the whole idea is the peace that living in Granny's house brings me. And I will never be able to argue with that.
As the great Dr. Meredith Grey once said:
"When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it? A weight lifts. The sun shines a little brighter and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace."
When my grandmother died almost 4 months ago, all of my family looked at each other and had this unspoken question of...well, what happens to our main homestead? Granny's home was where everything took place: holidays, lunches, gatherings, etc. I don't think any of us could fathom the thought of someone else living there.
In the midst of all this, we kind of wondered...what about Coley? At first, I told them I didn't think it was a possibility. I came up with this mental list: I didn't have a job in Morganton, I was happy in Winston, I already had a big "move" change last year, a house is a HUGE responsibility, yada, yada.
But the thought in my head wouldn't let go.
I, on a whim, texted a good friend of mine who also happens to teach within Burke County. I simply asked her to keep her ears open and let me know whether she heard anything about a possible job opening at one of the schools. Thinking she would reply with, "I'll keep them open!" I kept my optimism on low. I know that sounds bad, but I didn't want to get any hopes up (especially at that early stage). However, within a couple minutes, she replied saying, "Actually, I think there might be one." Say what?! I couldn't help but feel like Granny was nudging me home.
Even with that response, I wasn't 100% sure. The weeks that followed were really hard. I was still dealing with the death of my grandmother, I was finishing my year of teaching, I wasn't sure I was ready to move again, I felt this calling to go back, I felt this calling to stay...bottom line....I was just kind of hanging out in this hellish limbo.
So, I did what I always do when I'm not sure, I prayed. I tried my best to listen. I talked to friends, I talked to family, and I talked some more to God. I decided that I would send in my resume and an email to the two high schools I would like to teach at within Burke County. If I heard something, wonderful, and if I didn't, I was happy staying where I was in Winston.
About a week after that, I got an email asking if I'd like to come in for an interview. I said yes and went in.
The next month was the longest month of my life. School systems still have to go through a lengthy hiring process, so even though I interviewed, and even though I thought it went well, I knew I wouldn't knew anything FOR SURE for awhile.
Not to sound dramatic, but, IT WAS AWFUL.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to hope for. I began to doubt EVERYTHING. I didn't know if this was maybe a sign to stay or maybe just to forget the whole thing... I ended my year at Tabor and still didn't know what the following school year would hold. I couldn't say anything to anyone because again, I didn't know.
I'll save you the melancholy Coley blabber. I will say that doubt is an anxiety-ridden person's worst enemy...and ole doubt was creeping into every crevice of my life.
Anywho, about two weeks ago, I was sitting at my sister's house and got THE call. THE call I had been waiting for...I was officially offered the job at my alma mater, Freedom High School. And even with that call, I was still a ball of emotions! As all of it has settled a bit, I am back on the excited track.
I know a lot of this pain and confusion was related to Granny. I know a lot of it was related to my mixed emotions about leaving Tabor and Winston. When I left Rockingham, I knew it was time to move on. I knew I had "run my course" there and was ready to see what else there was "out there". But, only being at Tabor a year, there were a TON of mixed emotions! I truly enjoyed teaching there. I learned so so so so much from my colleagues and students. It's an incredible place.
There's still a lot of "technical" stuff to work out (hence why I haven't posted or said anything on social media). I am excited though. It means being closer to my family and working at the place that first made me want to be a high school teacher!
All this to say, this was an incredibly hard decision, BUT...at the end of the day, the BIGGEST thing that has kept me from ditching the whole idea is the peace that living in Granny's house brings me. And I will never be able to argue with that.
As the great Dr. Meredith Grey once said:
"When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it's funny isn't it? A weight lifts. The sun shines a little brighter and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace."
Friday, June 10, 2016
End of Year 8
My Timehop showed me that I wrote my "Goodbye to Rockingham" post a year ago today. It's crazy to think that one year ago I was leaving Rockingham and getting ready for a new adventure at a brand new school. It's even harder (for me) to believe that it's the end of my first year at that new school. Oh what a year it has been!
It was a terribly hard decision for me to leave Rockingham. It was the first (and only) school I taught at. It was where I first cut my teaching teeth. So many wonderful colleagues and students who taught me incredible lessons. Truth be told, as wonderful as my colleagues were, my students were the reason I couldn't leave there. Every year I would tell myself that THIS was the year I could leave. THIS is the year it will be okay to venture out away from RCHS. But, it took eight years, hundreds of students, and a lot of praying later...I finally decided it was okay to leave. Bonus that I had an incredible opportunity to teach at Mt. Tabor High School in Winston Salem.
Fast forward a year. I sit in my empty classroom at Tabor and marvel that somehow I've made it through to the other side. I knew that it would be difficult to transition to a new school. I knew it would be hard to figure out my place. A place where I had only visited a few times. A place that held so, so, so many new faces. But, I made it.
This year has felt, at times, like I was pushed (or shoved) back to year one of teaching. The feeling of not knowing, not having a place, not having any status, not knowing any students, and not knowing if this teaching gig was right for me. I was climbing the mountain all over again...a mountain that I thought I had made pretty good progress on.
My first semester of classes presented several challenges. The makeup of Tabor is more city-based, where as Rockingham was a rural county. I was teaching a grade level I hadn't taught in a few years. I broke up fights in my classroom. I had students who spoke languages I had never heard of. I had students who were so needy. I had students who I wanted to wrap up and take home with me. Tell them it would be okay, that the world wasn't the shitty place they had grown to believe it was. I figured out that some of my students were not used to structure, and even though they protested, I think they found that they needed it. I learned that I needed to go back to the basics. I learned that some of my students felt school was their "safe place". But, I also had students who had a HUGE chip on their shoulder. I faced apathy, anger, frustration, and rudeness from many students. There were days that I sat at my desk in the afternoon, head in hands, and thought, "What have I done?" I was positive that at any point, my principal would come in and say, "Um, I think I've made a mistake."
At some point, I got my footing and figured out how to better help my students. I thanked God every single night that I was teaching with two of my best friends. I could not have made it this year without them. They encouraged me, had pep talks with me, taught me new skills, and held out their arms in support when I broke down.
I don't have a single regret about this move. It was the right time to move. I needed this change, this shake up, this new adventure. I have learned more this year than the last half of my years of teaching put together. I have learned to let certain things go, while holding onto others. I've met so many incredible educators. I've had the privilege of working for an AMAZING set of administrators.
I know this is where God wanted me to be this year. When Granny got sick and I needed to be there, being an hour closer to home was wonderful. Only being an hour away from her hospital towards the end was a blessing. And when she was called home, having my friends and department take care of everything was just the biggest blessing ever.
I sit here at my desk looking at my empty desks. I'm thinking about the 150 some students who filled them. Some of them made me want to pull out my hair. Some of them turned some of my other hair gray. Some of them made me question why I became a teacher. And some of them showed me why. No regrets.
I leave this year with so many ideas. New lessons in mind. New thoughts on how to be a better teacher. So many lessons learned. So many mistakes to correct. So many memories - good and bad.
I missed Rockingham County High School so much this year. There were times I'd be lying if I didn't say I wondered what it would have been like if I'd just stayed there in the comfortable routine I'd become accustomed to. It is a place that will forever be seared on my heart. But I know it was the right time to leave. I know that Tabor is where God wanted me to be.
As I close year 8, I anticipate (both with excitement and anxiety) the future years. Still so many lessons to teach and so many students to meet.
8 down...22 more to go.
It was a terribly hard decision for me to leave Rockingham. It was the first (and only) school I taught at. It was where I first cut my teaching teeth. So many wonderful colleagues and students who taught me incredible lessons. Truth be told, as wonderful as my colleagues were, my students were the reason I couldn't leave there. Every year I would tell myself that THIS was the year I could leave. THIS is the year it will be okay to venture out away from RCHS. But, it took eight years, hundreds of students, and a lot of praying later...I finally decided it was okay to leave. Bonus that I had an incredible opportunity to teach at Mt. Tabor High School in Winston Salem.
Fast forward a year. I sit in my empty classroom at Tabor and marvel that somehow I've made it through to the other side. I knew that it would be difficult to transition to a new school. I knew it would be hard to figure out my place. A place where I had only visited a few times. A place that held so, so, so many new faces. But, I made it.
This year has felt, at times, like I was pushed (or shoved) back to year one of teaching. The feeling of not knowing, not having a place, not having any status, not knowing any students, and not knowing if this teaching gig was right for me. I was climbing the mountain all over again...a mountain that I thought I had made pretty good progress on.
My first semester of classes presented several challenges. The makeup of Tabor is more city-based, where as Rockingham was a rural county. I was teaching a grade level I hadn't taught in a few years. I broke up fights in my classroom. I had students who spoke languages I had never heard of. I had students who were so needy. I had students who I wanted to wrap up and take home with me. Tell them it would be okay, that the world wasn't the shitty place they had grown to believe it was. I figured out that some of my students were not used to structure, and even though they protested, I think they found that they needed it. I learned that I needed to go back to the basics. I learned that some of my students felt school was their "safe place". But, I also had students who had a HUGE chip on their shoulder. I faced apathy, anger, frustration, and rudeness from many students. There were days that I sat at my desk in the afternoon, head in hands, and thought, "What have I done?" I was positive that at any point, my principal would come in and say, "Um, I think I've made a mistake."
At some point, I got my footing and figured out how to better help my students. I thanked God every single night that I was teaching with two of my best friends. I could not have made it this year without them. They encouraged me, had pep talks with me, taught me new skills, and held out their arms in support when I broke down.
I don't have a single regret about this move. It was the right time to move. I needed this change, this shake up, this new adventure. I have learned more this year than the last half of my years of teaching put together. I have learned to let certain things go, while holding onto others. I've met so many incredible educators. I've had the privilege of working for an AMAZING set of administrators.
I know this is where God wanted me to be this year. When Granny got sick and I needed to be there, being an hour closer to home was wonderful. Only being an hour away from her hospital towards the end was a blessing. And when she was called home, having my friends and department take care of everything was just the biggest blessing ever.
I sit here at my desk looking at my empty desks. I'm thinking about the 150 some students who filled them. Some of them made me want to pull out my hair. Some of them turned some of my other hair gray. Some of them made me question why I became a teacher. And some of them showed me why. No regrets.
I leave this year with so many ideas. New lessons in mind. New thoughts on how to be a better teacher. So many lessons learned. So many mistakes to correct. So many memories - good and bad.
I missed Rockingham County High School so much this year. There were times I'd be lying if I didn't say I wondered what it would have been like if I'd just stayed there in the comfortable routine I'd become accustomed to. It is a place that will forever be seared on my heart. But I know it was the right time to leave. I know that Tabor is where God wanted me to be.
As I close year 8, I anticipate (both with excitement and anxiety) the future years. Still so many lessons to teach and so many students to meet.
8 down...22 more to go.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Teacher Appreciation
This is actually part of a post I wrote several years ago. I wanted to add to it and spruce it up a little in honor of National Teacher Appreciation Week. If you know a teacher, thank him/her. If you love a teacher (or live with one), bless your heart - you probably have to live with the crazy. Here is part of the original post, but with a bit of an update/change here and there.
In honor of those who taught me, loved me, and put up with me....
Teachers are some of the most important people who have passed through my life. When you stop and think about it, students spend more time with their teachers than they do with their family on any given day. My teachers had a crucial role in shaping the person that I am today. I still count many of my past teachers as my confidants, mentors, and role models today. Sometimes, I don't think teachers realize the immense impact they have on their students' lives.
I wonder...
Does Mrs. Hairfield know that I still remember her "Pound Puppy" curtains and the way she made me feel calm after I got lost on my first day of kindergarten? Does she know she was the one who first taught me to love learning and to share with others? Two of the most important things ever...and two things I still value (and need) today.
Does Mrs. Rhodes know that she is one of the reasons I became a teacher? I still remember her signing her letters with x's and o's and because of that, I have always remembered her sweet kindness. Does she know I still sing "Up on the Rooftop" at Christmas and always think of her? Her classroom is one that always lingers in my memory. It was so warm, inviting, and cozy. She always did and still does make me feel so special and loved.
Does Ms. Boughman know that I still remember writing a creative story and her reading it out loud? I felt so proud because she thought it was that good. She is one of the reasons I love to write creatively today.
Does Miss Ennis know that I still consider her one of my life role models? That because she was so kind to me and let me help her everyday after school, it made me want to become a teacher myself? I still remember her reading to us and letting me help her decorate her room for Christmas. She made a very awkward and shy girl feel so loved and valued. Her smile, kindness, and incredibly beautiful writing continues to stay with me.
Does Mrs. Lawson know that she made me realize teachers could teach new things, but also have a divine sense of humor? That my favorite days in her class were the afternoons we would push all the desks to the side and sit in a big circle and sing silly songs?
Does Mrs. Causby, Mrs. Pieto, Ms. New, Mrs. Evans, and Mrs. Hodges know that they helped me get through those incredibly awkward middle school years and make them bearable? Their love and wisdom were always guiding lights during the beginning of hard school years.
When I think of high school, I think of these three women. They shaped me more than I could ever write in a million posts. I kid you not, when I think about all they have done to impact my life, it brings tears to my eyes. They are the reason I teach high school, and they are the reason I truly care and value what I do for students.
Does Mrs. Hasty know that I think of her every single time a student comes to me with a problem, and I feel like I can honestly be there for them? That she taught me teaching is a job where you can really be there for your students and show them that you care. She made me feel so loved and appreciated. She loved me when I didn't love myself. She took the risk of calling me out when she saw something wrong with me and knew I trusted her enough to do that. I might not remember every Spanish verb she taught me, but I remember that she gave me "snacky-poos" in the afternoon while helping her, made me laugh, and made me feel like I was an important person.
Does Mrs. Vaughn know that I still look at and read the prayer she emailed me my first day of teaching? That I still think she is one of the smartest and wisest women I have ever met? That I feel so fortunate she was the one who taught my teacher cadet class? Her love for her students, her kind words, and her genuine compassion for her career made the biggest impression on me. When I was heartbroken over not getting Teaching Fellows, her letter gave me the words of love and wisdom I needed to hear. She is truly, truly one of the most remarkable educators I have ever met...I feel SO blessed to have been in her class.
And my dear, sweet Mrs. McKinney. My life mentor and friend. The woman who pretty much got me where I am in teaching today. Does she know that I shape my lessons after her? I know I can be funny and serious all in one classroom? That her having me read The Awakening led to my own "awakening" in realizing I wanted to be an English teacher? That she still shapes my life, and I still look to her for advice, help, love, and support? She will always be someone I call on to ask for any and everything. I know that she will always be there for me...through good times and rough times.
All these women hold a piece a piece of my heart. They all shaped me and helped form the person and teacher I am today. When I walk into my classroom, I carry a piece of them with me. They helped me realize that it's not just about the curriculum, but really caring about the students in your classroom. I learned to read, write, add, count, look, share, be a good person, and appreciate everything around me. They are some of the best people I know.
Many of these women are still in the classroom and if I'm honest, I'm a little jealous of their students. They are some lucky individuals. My hope is that I am an iota of the teacher they were to me. I still feel blessed by their role in my life, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them. I will forever be indebted to the love and wisdom they bestowed upon me. And a kudos to the other teachers in my life: my past and current colleagues, my first teacher...my momma and my best friends who teach. I have learned from all of you.
Everyone needs a good teacher in their life. I'm so glad I have had so many amazing ones!
In honor of those who taught me, loved me, and put up with me....
Teachers are some of the most important people who have passed through my life. When you stop and think about it, students spend more time with their teachers than they do with their family on any given day. My teachers had a crucial role in shaping the person that I am today. I still count many of my past teachers as my confidants, mentors, and role models today. Sometimes, I don't think teachers realize the immense impact they have on their students' lives.
I wonder...
Does Mrs. Hairfield know that I still remember her "Pound Puppy" curtains and the way she made me feel calm after I got lost on my first day of kindergarten? Does she know she was the one who first taught me to love learning and to share with others? Two of the most important things ever...and two things I still value (and need) today.
Does Mrs. Rhodes know that she is one of the reasons I became a teacher? I still remember her signing her letters with x's and o's and because of that, I have always remembered her sweet kindness. Does she know I still sing "Up on the Rooftop" at Christmas and always think of her? Her classroom is one that always lingers in my memory. It was so warm, inviting, and cozy. She always did and still does make me feel so special and loved.
Does Ms. Boughman know that I still remember writing a creative story and her reading it out loud? I felt so proud because she thought it was that good. She is one of the reasons I love to write creatively today.
Does Miss Ennis know that I still consider her one of my life role models? That because she was so kind to me and let me help her everyday after school, it made me want to become a teacher myself? I still remember her reading to us and letting me help her decorate her room for Christmas. She made a very awkward and shy girl feel so loved and valued. Her smile, kindness, and incredibly beautiful writing continues to stay with me.
Does Mrs. Lawson know that she made me realize teachers could teach new things, but also have a divine sense of humor? That my favorite days in her class were the afternoons we would push all the desks to the side and sit in a big circle and sing silly songs?
Does Mrs. Causby, Mrs. Pieto, Ms. New, Mrs. Evans, and Mrs. Hodges know that they helped me get through those incredibly awkward middle school years and make them bearable? Their love and wisdom were always guiding lights during the beginning of hard school years.
When I think of high school, I think of these three women. They shaped me more than I could ever write in a million posts. I kid you not, when I think about all they have done to impact my life, it brings tears to my eyes. They are the reason I teach high school, and they are the reason I truly care and value what I do for students.
Does Mrs. Hasty know that I think of her every single time a student comes to me with a problem, and I feel like I can honestly be there for them? That she taught me teaching is a job where you can really be there for your students and show them that you care. She made me feel so loved and appreciated. She loved me when I didn't love myself. She took the risk of calling me out when she saw something wrong with me and knew I trusted her enough to do that. I might not remember every Spanish verb she taught me, but I remember that she gave me "snacky-poos" in the afternoon while helping her, made me laugh, and made me feel like I was an important person.
Does Mrs. Vaughn know that I still look at and read the prayer she emailed me my first day of teaching? That I still think she is one of the smartest and wisest women I have ever met? That I feel so fortunate she was the one who taught my teacher cadet class? Her love for her students, her kind words, and her genuine compassion for her career made the biggest impression on me. When I was heartbroken over not getting Teaching Fellows, her letter gave me the words of love and wisdom I needed to hear. She is truly, truly one of the most remarkable educators I have ever met...I feel SO blessed to have been in her class.
And my dear, sweet Mrs. McKinney. My life mentor and friend. The woman who pretty much got me where I am in teaching today. Does she know that I shape my lessons after her? I know I can be funny and serious all in one classroom? That her having me read The Awakening led to my own "awakening" in realizing I wanted to be an English teacher? That she still shapes my life, and I still look to her for advice, help, love, and support? She will always be someone I call on to ask for any and everything. I know that she will always be there for me...through good times and rough times.
All these women hold a piece a piece of my heart. They all shaped me and helped form the person and teacher I am today. When I walk into my classroom, I carry a piece of them with me. They helped me realize that it's not just about the curriculum, but really caring about the students in your classroom. I learned to read, write, add, count, look, share, be a good person, and appreciate everything around me. They are some of the best people I know.
Many of these women are still in the classroom and if I'm honest, I'm a little jealous of their students. They are some lucky individuals. My hope is that I am an iota of the teacher they were to me. I still feel blessed by their role in my life, and I hope they know how much I appreciate them. I will forever be indebted to the love and wisdom they bestowed upon me. And a kudos to the other teachers in my life: my past and current colleagues, my first teacher...my momma and my best friends who teach. I have learned from all of you.
Everyone needs a good teacher in their life. I'm so glad I have had so many amazing ones!
Friday, April 29, 2016
A Letter
As I wrap up the last few weeks in my 20's, I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned these past 10 years. What I would change. What I enjoyed. What I wish I had known. What follows is a letter to the younger version of myself. Now to find a time machine to actually give it to that girl.
Dear 20 year old Coley,
Ah, youth. You're so young, but you feel like you're not. You feel lost and confused and not sure where your life is going. You know that you want to teach. You are feeling slightly more confidant in your college career...a lot better than this time last year. It will take another semester for you to really like it. You're going to live with Em and Carrie next year and you will finally, finally love where you live during college.
This past year was hard. The last couple of years in your teens were really hard. Losing yourself. Trying to find yourself again. Learning how to swim in the dark waters of depression and anxiety. Losing your cousin. Seeing your family grapple with that loss. It was hard. It's still hard. But, coming from the other side of this decade, you get through it. You learn to cope. You learn what you need to help you. I wish you had known that sooner.
Your 20's are going to be full of ups and downs and all arounds. Sometimes it'll feel like you're on a rollercoaster that doesn't stop. You'll feel those nerves as it climbs the hill and the deep fear as it reaches and goes over. You'll graduate from college and have your heart set on moving back home. This won't happen. And your heart will be sad. But, don't freeze up. Listen to the sage of the people around you. Don't be afraid to venture out. There will be people who come into your life and change it forever...and that never would have happened if you didn't take a chance on moving to some tiny town you had never heard of.
Teaching. Man, what a crazy ride. You'll love it, truly. However, it might take you some time to get to that point of love. And that. is. okay. Do you hear me? You DO. NOT. HAVE. TO. BE. PERFECT. I can tell you (my past self) and me (my present self) this til I'm blue in the face and ultimately, I don't think I will listen, but it is true. You can only be yourself. That's all. Please, please learn that doing that is enough.
Listen (please), don't be too hard on yourself. Treat your body with more care. Learn to exercise and enjoy it. I wish that I could tell you we are at our "goal size", we're not. However, that is one thing I wish I could go back and change. Learning to love YOU will take years...I don't think even I'm there yet. I hope if I write a letter to my 30 year old self, that will actually be a reality.
Enjoy this life. Enjoy traveling every chance you get. It'll eat up your bank account, but you're going to see some cool places. Take your passport to Mexico. Splash in the ocean. Jump in the deep end. Don't worry about what people think. Take lots of pictures (and don't wait so long to put them in albums). Do things that scare you. Those times make the best memories. Stay up late walking through San Francisco. Take in the sights of New York City. Breathe in the salty air of the coast. Step back and enjoy this beautiful world that God has made.
Your friends will be your lifeline. They will pick you and your broken pieces up off the floor so many times. They will hold you when you're falling apart. They will cheer you up when you feel so down. They will be the ones who convince you that life is joyous and full of laughter. You will be in their weddings and hold their babies. You will laugh and cry and smile and share a huge mix of emotions. Enjoy every second with them. And when you go to Nashville, please try to enjoy it. It's going to be hot. And y'all will get on each other's nerves, but it'll be okay. The stories you tell later will make you all laugh.
Here's something I want you to do. Go visit Granny every single chance you get. Call her, visit her, talk to her, hug her, and just be there with her. You think right now she is invincible, and I know it seems that way. You'll learn that she isn't. The pain that comes with that realization is terrible. It will hurt you and break your heart in a million pieces. Just be there. Hold her hands and watch her cook. Rest your head on her shoulder and ask her to tell you stories. Just take her in and love her and soak her up in every morsel of your memory.
Your family will have lots of surprises. Most are lovely, happy, sweet surprises that will open your heart up in ways you never knew. Know that life holds lots of changes, but change is good. Change is how you know you and those around you are alive. Enjoy every holiday, every Sunday lunch, every chance you get to visit and talk with Megan. She is going to give you the best gift ever when she gives birth to Thaddeus. He is this bright, beaming light in your life.
Life goes on. Don't worry so much about what other people think, but rather think about what makes you happy. There will be lots of moves and upsets, but you'll learn and grow from each. Laugh with your friends. Talk to your family. Ask lots of questions. Try to learn from each student you teach. Be present in the moment.
With love,
An ALMOST 30 year old Coley
Dear 20 year old Coley,
Ah, youth. You're so young, but you feel like you're not. You feel lost and confused and not sure where your life is going. You know that you want to teach. You are feeling slightly more confidant in your college career...a lot better than this time last year. It will take another semester for you to really like it. You're going to live with Em and Carrie next year and you will finally, finally love where you live during college.
This past year was hard. The last couple of years in your teens were really hard. Losing yourself. Trying to find yourself again. Learning how to swim in the dark waters of depression and anxiety. Losing your cousin. Seeing your family grapple with that loss. It was hard. It's still hard. But, coming from the other side of this decade, you get through it. You learn to cope. You learn what you need to help you. I wish you had known that sooner.
Your 20's are going to be full of ups and downs and all arounds. Sometimes it'll feel like you're on a rollercoaster that doesn't stop. You'll feel those nerves as it climbs the hill and the deep fear as it reaches and goes over. You'll graduate from college and have your heart set on moving back home. This won't happen. And your heart will be sad. But, don't freeze up. Listen to the sage of the people around you. Don't be afraid to venture out. There will be people who come into your life and change it forever...and that never would have happened if you didn't take a chance on moving to some tiny town you had never heard of.
Teaching. Man, what a crazy ride. You'll love it, truly. However, it might take you some time to get to that point of love. And that. is. okay. Do you hear me? You DO. NOT. HAVE. TO. BE. PERFECT. I can tell you (my past self) and me (my present self) this til I'm blue in the face and ultimately, I don't think I will listen, but it is true. You can only be yourself. That's all. Please, please learn that doing that is enough.
Listen (please), don't be too hard on yourself. Treat your body with more care. Learn to exercise and enjoy it. I wish that I could tell you we are at our "goal size", we're not. However, that is one thing I wish I could go back and change. Learning to love YOU will take years...I don't think even I'm there yet. I hope if I write a letter to my 30 year old self, that will actually be a reality.
Enjoy this life. Enjoy traveling every chance you get. It'll eat up your bank account, but you're going to see some cool places. Take your passport to Mexico. Splash in the ocean. Jump in the deep end. Don't worry about what people think. Take lots of pictures (and don't wait so long to put them in albums). Do things that scare you. Those times make the best memories. Stay up late walking through San Francisco. Take in the sights of New York City. Breathe in the salty air of the coast. Step back and enjoy this beautiful world that God has made.
Your friends will be your lifeline. They will pick you and your broken pieces up off the floor so many times. They will hold you when you're falling apart. They will cheer you up when you feel so down. They will be the ones who convince you that life is joyous and full of laughter. You will be in their weddings and hold their babies. You will laugh and cry and smile and share a huge mix of emotions. Enjoy every second with them. And when you go to Nashville, please try to enjoy it. It's going to be hot. And y'all will get on each other's nerves, but it'll be okay. The stories you tell later will make you all laugh.
Here's something I want you to do. Go visit Granny every single chance you get. Call her, visit her, talk to her, hug her, and just be there with her. You think right now she is invincible, and I know it seems that way. You'll learn that she isn't. The pain that comes with that realization is terrible. It will hurt you and break your heart in a million pieces. Just be there. Hold her hands and watch her cook. Rest your head on her shoulder and ask her to tell you stories. Just take her in and love her and soak her up in every morsel of your memory.
Your family will have lots of surprises. Most are lovely, happy, sweet surprises that will open your heart up in ways you never knew. Know that life holds lots of changes, but change is good. Change is how you know you and those around you are alive. Enjoy every holiday, every Sunday lunch, every chance you get to visit and talk with Megan. She is going to give you the best gift ever when she gives birth to Thaddeus. He is this bright, beaming light in your life.
Life goes on. Don't worry so much about what other people think, but rather think about what makes you happy. There will be lots of moves and upsets, but you'll learn and grow from each. Laugh with your friends. Talk to your family. Ask lots of questions. Try to learn from each student you teach. Be present in the moment.
With love,
An ALMOST 30 year old Coley
Monday, March 28, 2016
Grappling with Grief: Entry from my Journal
This is an entry from my personal journal I wrote a couple nights ago. I think it accurately paints the picture of my grief right now. Usually, I don't post things of this personal nature (entries from journals and such), but I feel that it's therapeutic to get it out there and might also be how other people feel after losing someone. Maybe they can help me with my grief, or I can at least make them feel not alone.
Saturday, March 25th, 2016
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." -Rose Kennedy
I sit here in the silence of Granny's house, but her memories echo all around me. Everywhere I look, I see a piece of her. This longing, this pain, this realization she's not coming back is beginning to be deafening.
I talked to Leah for long time tonight. We both miss her so much (as does the entire family). However, Leah and I have grieved in different ways. Her's has been a steady sadness, tears everyday. Mine has been halted - a dam of stone built, though sadness, guilt, grief, anger, and such continue to rush against it, the levee hasn't broken yet. It has been built with feelings of anxiety and fear over future decisions. Leah reminded me tonight that before anything can happen, I must deal with and face those emotions rushing against the barricade.
Granny is woven into me. Going through some of her things - the woman kept everything - reminds me of my stashes. My refusal to throw away sentimental objects. The way I think, the way I want to be, my acts, everything that I do is because who she was.
Even though I love being here surrounded by her things, it's hard to see all her memories. Her shoes are left where she last put them on (stockings inside). Her notes, her magazines - tabs marked with recipes and ideas - , her photos, her clothes, everything shows me a fresh memory.
I know that eventually the scar tissue will cover these new wounds, but right now...in this moment...they ache with a painful freshness that I can't bear.
Saturday, March 25th, 2016
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." -Rose Kennedy
I sit here in the silence of Granny's house, but her memories echo all around me. Everywhere I look, I see a piece of her. This longing, this pain, this realization she's not coming back is beginning to be deafening.
I talked to Leah for long time tonight. We both miss her so much (as does the entire family). However, Leah and I have grieved in different ways. Her's has been a steady sadness, tears everyday. Mine has been halted - a dam of stone built, though sadness, guilt, grief, anger, and such continue to rush against it, the levee hasn't broken yet. It has been built with feelings of anxiety and fear over future decisions. Leah reminded me tonight that before anything can happen, I must deal with and face those emotions rushing against the barricade.
Granny is woven into me. Going through some of her things - the woman kept everything - reminds me of my stashes. My refusal to throw away sentimental objects. The way I think, the way I want to be, my acts, everything that I do is because who she was.
Even though I love being here surrounded by her things, it's hard to see all her memories. Her shoes are left where she last put them on (stockings inside). Her notes, her magazines - tabs marked with recipes and ideas - , her photos, her clothes, everything shows me a fresh memory.
I know that eventually the scar tissue will cover these new wounds, but right now...in this moment...they ache with a painful freshness that I can't bear.
Friday, March 25, 2016
My Granny
Granny’s Eulogy
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2016
My grandmother was an incredible storyteller. So, let me tell you a little story about her life. Sybil Anne Prestwood was born on August 4th, 1933. The doctor came to her parent’s house and slept on the couch all day while my great-grandmother, Fern, labored with her first (and only) child. After many hours, a beautiful baby girl was born. She lived a simple, country life. Enjoying school and acquiring many friends along the way. She grew into a beautiful woman and began working at the hosiery mill in Morganton. It was during one of their square dances that Carl Barrier caught her eye. They began a sweet romance that resulted in a quiet ceremony one day in late November. A couple years later, they welcome their first son, my father, Michael Dale. He was followed by two more sons, Timothy Brian and Jeffrey Carl. The entire family grew up on one block. Family meals, Saturday suppers, church, lots of playing, and trips filled the following years. The boys eventually married and welcomed children of their own. It would be on the same date as their wedding anniversary in November of 1988 that her beloved husband passed away. In a beautiful twist of fate, two years later, on that same day, their third granddaughter, Megan, would be born. Life from then on was filled with her work, grandchildren’s visits, taking care of others, church, friends, and sweet memories to fill many books.
My grandmother was the best person I’ve ever known. My cousin, Katy, and I were talking the other day about how we felt like Granny was just the most perfect example of a Godly, kind, welcoming, incredible person. She loved with her entire heart. She gave with everything she had. She was simply, the best.
My cousins, sister, and I have shared lots of memories and laughs over the past few days in conversations about our dear Granny and I’m up speaking on their behalf. We loved our Granny more than you could ever possibly imagine. When I asked them what memories they wanted to make sure I included, our list kept on going and going.
We want you to know how she sang to us...seriously the woman had a song for every occasion...she fed us...so much...butter sandwiches, gravy biscuits, Sunday lunches, birthday cakes, cinnamon toast, cereal, coke floats, and orange sherbet drinks, anything we ever wanted, and even if we looked full, she would ask if we wanted more. Her house was the one we stayed at most Saturday nights growing up. She would make us a pallet on the floor, or turn down our beds (complete with heated blankets), sing us songs, and tell us stories. We have memories of laying on her floor and watch VHS tapes. We played every made up game imaginable in her back bedrooms and outside her house. She took us shopping and didn’t get too terribly mad when I set off her alarm in her new car (I promise I was just testing out the buttons for Leah). She promised us that a little Vaseline would cure any ailment and “it’ll all come out in the wash”, “know what I mean, Vern?”
I think though, the thing we loved most about her was that she loved us no matter what. Truly. I remember getting my first speeding ticket and going to her house before my parents. I was sobbing and she later told me she thought I had killed someone I was so upset, but she calmed me down and assured me it would be okay. She welcomed all of our friends, feeding them and telling them to come back soon. She opened her arms to the spouses of my cousins and sister. She loved them and treated them just as special as she did us. And it was truly a treat getting to see her love on her great grandchildren. Seeing Stevie, Journi, Thad, and Saylir play with the same toys and reading the same books on the same floor we did was just the best.
As big as Granny’s heart was, her faith was even bigger. We had many conversations about God, faith, and the Bible. She knew all the stories, people, and verses. We knew her big blue bible was worn thin from so many pages being turned over and over again. We all remember her sitting at the kitchen table each night reading over those worn pages. I recently learned that before my cousin left for California, Granny gave her that Bible. I held back tears when Leah told me that because that embodies who Granny was. Giving her love and faith to those she cherished. Her steadfast love and faith always helped our family through anything.
It’s that same faith that has helped us get through the past few days. Knowing that she is finally reunited with her husband, our Poppy, and her beloved parents, we just know that she is smiling and dancing and probably singing a song.
I know that we’ll miss her more than words could ever say. Her love was what held us together. I never knew how intricately woven she was into my life until recently. Every song, every show, every memory somehow revolves around her.
I pray that I can show her faith and her love through my life. I pray that my dad and uncles see how her love touched all those around her. I pray that my sister and cousins are able to show her spirit and her indomitable faith throughout their lives.
Selfishly, I want her back with me. I want to pick up the phone and hear her say, “Hey baby!” one more time, but I know she’s so happy to be without pain. Without labored breathing and tubes and machines. We love you so very much, Granny. Go swing on those stars and catch those moonbeams in a jar. You’ll be with us in our spirit, our actions, our memories, and our hearts...forever.
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The House
Every time I walk to my bedroom, I look in the room that used to be my grandmother's bedroom. I look for her bed and her laying in it ...
