Ambiguity and the Net of Life

I have been trying to write at least once a week, but haven’t been very good at that task. I have a new obsession with reading other people’s blogs and finding new interesting ones. I am always amazed at the beauty of how people write their thoughts and express their emotions through words. I have to admit, on more than one occasion I’ve found myself jealous, wishing I could write like that. I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write about. Should I write about how my faith has been tested a lot or I’ve been disappointed in myself? Maybe I should write about my hometown and the corrupt School Board taking over the county. But, as happens quite often, I was inspired by something I was watching and my thoughts took a different turn.

The name of my blog is titled for Gilda Radner, she is one of my favorite actresses. Sometime during my high school years I watched the movie on her life and then read her book. I wouldn’t know it then, but it would help me and inspire me throughout the rest of high school and continues to still.

“Delicious Ambiguity” I love this saying. Not knowing what’s going to happen. Having to rely on faith that isn’t always clear cut. Having to trust that even when it doesn’t fit into my plan, its okay for life to take me to this place or do this thing.

This year I’ve had a lot of ambiguity. I had absolutely no clue what was going to happen when I moved to this tiny town. I wasn’t sure if teaching was going to be the complete right thing for my career path. I had doubts that this was where I was supposed to be. I wondered if God had been playing a joke on me by placing me in the middle of no where with nothing to hold on to except faith and a cute apartment.

But, with the ambiguity, the fear, the unknown will always be that safety net that’s always been there. It’s (or their) strong lattice catching you when you need it. I have a safety net of family and friends. When I find myself wondering and scared and panicked about this scary new world I’ve found myself in, the net catches me. They encompass their arms of support and love around me.

Here’s the big thing I’ve learned. Yes, this is scary. No, no one told me it was going to be this scary. BUT, there hasn’t been a time that I couldn’t call up someone and lean on them. There wasn’t a time I could e-mail my Garland Girls and ask them for a prayer and advice. There was not one single time my Mom wasn’t there with a listening ear.

And then something else happened. A new safety net appeared. The sweet women I work with and have the divine pleasure of calling my English Dept opened their arms and hearts. And other people in the school did as well. They have become apart of my family.

So with all the worry and all the fear and all the ambiguity of this life, the familiar is still there. It’s still where it’s always been. And then, if you’re lucky, your net gets stronger. More people are there to catch you. Sometimes, it’s okay to fall…

Spring Fever

"It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!" ~Mark Twain

It seems as if the weather has gone from cold to hot with no in between. While I bask in the loveliness that this warm sun offers, I miss that stage where it's just a little chilly, gradually getting warmer during the day. Not wake up it's 80, goes to 90, then back to 80. WHOA. It is beautiful though. I can't complain. Hot leather in my car on the legs isn't fun, but not wearing a jacket and laying by the pool...totally worth it.

The sunshine must bring out the crazy in some of my students though. They have Mr. Twain's "Spring Fever" so bad they can't stand it! It never fails that every day I will hear one of my students ask in their sweet little I-want-something voice, "Can we PLEASE go outside???". It's one of the disadvantages of teaching high school students, no more recess. We should bring that back to high schools. Too bad they'd probably be behind the tree making out...gross.

With the sun also brings out sweet memories from my childhood. Coming home every day, kicking off hot shoes and putting on 'play clothes' and running outside. My childhood was spent outdoors with my sister and neighbors. Exploring the woods that bordered my house. Running, hiding, swinging, and discovering new 'hiding places' in the woods. I miss it dearly.

Maybe in honor of Mark I'll let my Spring Fever come out and go enjoy the sun once again. Run through the streets with a big happy smile on my face, glad the sun is here, glad the warmth is here, please don't go away!

Update

The "first year teacher count" is just about up. I have been at this gig for almost 9 months! I can't believe it! It's been a rollercoaster ride! Everyday still presents it's own set of challenges, I pray for sanity on a daily basis, but also try to take a lesson from each day I teach. I do this "take out" thing with my students. At the end of everyday they have to list one thing they've learned, I do the same thing. I try to "take out" one thing I've learned about myself or from them each day.

In non-job news, my life has been pretty normal. I had a wonderful Spring Break in California. Casey and I went to visit her sister in Santa Monica. Wonderful trip, beautiful weather. I'll make a separate post for that trip. I know I haven't been the best about keeping the blog up to date, I really have no excuses other than I just don't think about it! I'm working on it.

I'm looking forward to the end of the school year and to not be labeled as a 'first year teacher'. May is a busy month (it always seems to be) and I'm looking forward to making visits, see graduations, and then summer will be here!

Hope to keep this more updated!

A Life Worth Living

“Life is beautiful
But it’s complicated, we barely make it
We don’t need to understand
There are miracles, miracles….

Stand where you are
We let all these moments pass us by…

It’s amazing where I’m standing
There’s a lot that we can give
It’s just ours just for a moment
There’s a lot that we can give”
~Vega4

Consistency has never been a strong point in my life. I apologize to anyone that reads or checks in on this. You’ve probably long given up on an update of any sort. I would say that I’d try to get better at it, but I hold onto no promises. I will try…but, again, no promises.

The lyrics above are from a wonderful song I fell in love with a few years ago. I really love the words in the song. So many times I’ve looked around and noticed how beautiful life really is. But, like the song also says, it’s complicated. It’s the complications that sometimes get in our way of seeing how beautiful the world around us is.

I can’t say that I’m always a positive person. Or that I always see the “cup half full”. Sometimes, to me, it does look half empty. I think it would be silly for a person to say they’ve never had a pessimistic thought, a worry that eats at them, or a nag that just won’t go away. There have been many times that I’ve wanted a life remote that I can pause and fast forward and rewind to relive my favorite memories.

Alas, the life remote doesn’t exist. I think it’s that way for a reason. We can’t dwell in the past no more that we should plan so far ahead in the future. Life is beautiful and you have to live in the moment. A big part of American Lit is learning about Emerson and Thoreau. These two men believed in living in the moment. They encouraged people to live “a life worth living”. I live in the past, hope for the future, but I also have learned to look around me, smile, and enjoy the moment that is right around me.

R.I.P Roonie

While on a blogging roll...and since I'm not tired at all, I've decided to do a tribute to my precious Roonie. Who is Roonie? What are you talking about Coley? Well...if you don't know, Roonie was my beloved Toyota Corolla for 5 years.

We had some good times, Roonie and me. On December 7th, she came to her end. (Case believes that she might have wanted the end to come...I have to agree) Roonie decided to crash into a guard rail...bless her heart.

She got me from point a to point b and to point c, d, and e. We drove all around North and South Carolina. Trips to the beach, mountains, colleges, and took many trips to the park with children in tow. I loved her indeed.

I got her in October of '03. My senior year of high school. My previous car, Goldie (I like naming my cars), was totalled and we found Roonie shortly after. I loved that car. It might not have been the newest, but she took me all over! Great on gas, had awesome air conditioning, and very durable. I loved her.

I should've taken all the bad things as an omen. My sister ran into her back in May. She lost her atenna in '04. Many other things in between, but she didn't let that stop her from being the best little car ever.

It was a little bittersweet to get my new car. I stayed in the Toyota family. I'd like to think that she'd approve of my new car. I haven't found the perfect name for the new one. Maybe I'm still holding on to the memory of Roonie. Even the shiny appeal of a car that heats fast, has a radio, I can actually open it with a little remote without saying 'beep beep' pretending...I still miss the old girl.

So here's to you Roonie! I miss you!

About Me

I recently posted this on 'facebook'. I usually don't do things like this, but was intrigued by it. I decided to post it in my blog. I figure not all of us are on facebook and wanted to include it.

The deal is you put 25 'random things' about yourself. The hope is that you get to know each other better. On the book (facebook) you can tag other people and then they write their own note. So here is mine:

1. I teach English at Rockingham Co. High School. I aspire to be like the amazing teachers I’ve had in the past and the teachers I teach with now, they are incredible.

2. I love that I’m from the foothills of North Carolina and didn’t know how much I loved the mountains ‘til I moved away from them. I still and always will consider it 'home'.

3. I have a fear of goldfish (the actual fish, not bite-size snack). I was appalled when my mom decided to get an aquarium for our house one time.

4. I love taking pictures and have great confidence that my children will have well documented lives.

5. I love to travel. I have a life goal to visit all 50 states and 7 continents. One of the best experiences I have had in my life was when I went to Spain when I was 16.

6. Once when I was asked what the most interesting thing about me, I said that I lived with twins. I still think it’s interesting and miss living with my twins.

7. I adore my Granny and she is one of the only people I actually believe when she says, “It’ll all come out in the wash”.

8. Though I was not a good big sister when I was young, I’ve tried to make up for in recent years. My sister is pretty awesome and I love her very much. Siblings know your past better than anyone else!

9. My secret dream is to be a broadway actress.

10. I am left handed. My sister and aunt are too.

11. I am all about some pretty handwriting! I admit that I am a ‘font’ stealer (Case and Spring McKinney). I think it comes from my Granny, she has beautiful handwriting.

12. My guilty pleasure is watching “The Simpsons” and “Family Guy”. I know they are trashy…however… I think they are hilarious.

13. I LOVE music. I have almost 4,000 songs on my iPod. I also have amazingly random taste. When on shuffle, my iPod can go from playing Led Zeppelin to Reba McEntire to Lil’ Wayne to Dashboard Confessional to Judy Garland. I give all credit to my Dad.

14. On my 25th birthday, I want to go on a cross country trip and skydive.

15. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. It's the only reason I've gotten through some things in my life.

16. I love monograms and think that they will bring a touch of class to everything. I just put one on my car!!

17. I love quotes. I have 3 journals of them. I steal Caroline’s and copy from them sometimes.

18. Even though I am a good southern girl, I do not like sweet tea! I make up for it with my grit consumption.

19. I have to have the volume on my TV and radio and also the temperature in my apt and car on even numbers.

20. Cape Hatteras and Ocean Isle are my favorite places on Earth. There is a peace that only the beach brings to my life. I want to live there when I retire. My best memories from childhood stem from beach trips with my parents and sister to Cape Hatteras.

21. I am addicted to Target and Barnes and Noble. I make excuses to go into Greensboro just to go to them.

22. I am still dear friends with the first person I met in my kindergarten class :)

23. I still like for my Momma to take care of me when I’m sick. My Granny too!

24. I love being with my family and adore the newest member: Stevie Layne!

25. My best friends are some of the most amazing, wonderful people I know and I would be absolutely lost without them.

Am I A Real Teacher Yet?

I am still not doing the best job of keeping up with the blog. I am constantly trying to figure out how to balance everything in my life. Just keeping up with teaching is quite a task. I figure if something has to suffer...the blog might have to be it.

I finished with my first semester of students as a 'real' teacher. I still can't believe that I'm a real teacher. Whatever the definition of 'real' means. My first students have gone on and now I'm onto 'round 2'. My new classes seem pretty good. It's early in the game to make any predictions. Fingers crossed they'll be a good group.

I've learned so much in these past 6 months. (Whoa! 6 months!!) This time last year I was becoming a full time student teacher and now it's real! Earlier in the year (well technically it was last year, my years are measured by the school calendar, haha) I included a 'what I've learned' list. I've expanded...this is part II:

1) Teenagers are some of the most interesting creatures I have ever seen. They constantly make me ask myself, "Did I really act like that when I was their age??".

2) English teachers are funny. The people I work with never cease to bring humor into my life. There have been countless afternoons spent in one of our classrooms just laughing. It keeps me sane.

3) It's true. All you really needed to know...you learned in kindergarten. Sharing is still important (esp. with lesson plans!), kindness goes a long way, lunch time is the best part of the day, friends are the cornerstone of life, and when you finally get to see your Mommy, it's amazing!

4) I love making my students laugh. I tell the corniest jokes ever just to make them chuckle. They think I'm a dork, but the truth is, I love seeing their smiling faces.

5) Friends are essential. My group of girls e-mail each other daily and it has been one of the things that has gotten me through this sometimes really really hard year.

6) Family is crucial. I don't know where I would be if I couldn't call my Mom at night, just to hear her voice and know that she is right there, right where I left her in Morganton, and more importantly, her love is in my heart, and as corny as it sounds, carrying it around with me has made all the difference.

7) Copying Machines are of the devil. I strongly believe there should be a class in college devoted to how to un-jam, restock, compute, and figure out!!

8) I can't always see it, and I don't know that I have yet, but I have a feeling that this job is worth it.

I know I've learned more, but I can't think of anything else right now, haha. I am still learning. I think I'll be learning from this job 'til the day I retire from it or leave one! Haha, just kidding. But I am still learning, everyday, constantly.